Alone With The Feelings I Feel Inside

Everyday I try and keep my mom from knowing how much pain I am really in. I know it's killing her to see me go so long without recovering and I wonder if I will be able to recover before she passes away. I cry everyday and pray for the strength to keep going. Sitting here alone thinking about how long I have been sick and how much of my life my mom has seen me sick, crushes my heart.

The doctors I have don't know exactly what to do and what my underlying illness is, which I am suffering from from a variety of problems right now. Depression, which has become treatment resistant and so severe that I can barely bath myself sometimes. I have anemia which one of my doctor's says is no big deal so I am having to look for a new one in that area. I have small tiny needle point red dots on my arms, chest, and some on my legs, which I haven't got answers for. I had pituitary tumor removal surgery a while back and was also diagnosised with a form of Cushings Disease.

On top of those few problems I wrote down, my brother and my father can't or won't talk to me about my health issues at all. As for my brother I think he just can't deal with it because of how much I have changed as a person over the years I have been sick. As for my dad, he won't talk about it at all and when I say something to my Mom about going out of state to possibly see a specialist who might be able to save my life, my dad always says something like (SO YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY TO WHERES?) or my favorite, (AND NOW HOW MUCH IS THAT GOING TO COST?) He doesn't say anything like do you think they will be able to help you or I hope they can do something for you so you can get to feeling better. Meanwile my mom has tumors in her ankles and can barely walk, had to quit her job, and cries herself to sleep every night because she knows she is really the only one who cares if I recover or not and after she is gone I will be completely on my own. A lot of times my depression gets the best of me and I realize I am only continuing to fight for my life for my mom, which makes me wonder if I will be able to do it after she is gone.

One of the other terrible problems with my health is that I have been to so many different doctors and had some bad experiences where the doctor hears about my depression and ends up telling me that most of my problems are psychological. When that happens to someone who is extremely physically sick, stressed to the max, and has no support,  and the doctor basically dismisses your symptoms because he hears the words depression or sees it on your chart it makes you feel as if your case is utterly hopeless and you start to wonder if you are going to die before any doctor actually finds out what is wrong with you? Most importantly it kind of traumatizes you in a way where the stress and disappointment of the doctor's visit stays with you and every time you try and find a specialist or a different doctor, you start to worry that the same thing might happen, that the doctor might dismiss all of your symptoms due to depression and stress.
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31-35, M
May 12, 2012