I'm A Mess

I know this will sound pathetic. I know many of you are going to think ‘get over it.’ But here’s my sorry excuse of a sob story:
I was bullied from K-12th, but the worst of it was 1st to 9th, and let me tell you – it sucked. I didn’t have any friends in elementary, but at least people were nice to me every once in a while. They might have often physically hurt me, but some of them would come to me in times of trouble, so I felt needed, I felt like I made a difference. When I look back on my school journals, I clearly had depression even then. I wrote stuff like “I HATE MYSELF.” The teachers saw it, but they didn’t do anything. I went to the principle and teachers after I would get beat up, and they would say, ‘next time She will be expelled,’ so I’d tell them over and over, and it only got worse. Apart from being beat up, many called me names and She would play mind games. She would make me think I was the one at fault, or tell me that my dad was going to die overseas, or tell the teachers that I did the things she did to me. It sucked, but it got worse.
I was glad to go to middle school. New people, new start. It wasn’t even a month before She had somehow convinced all of them that I used to beat her up. They came up with a germ game with a ton of rules, EVERYBODY played and EVERYBODY was mean to me. I watched as the last person joined in, helpless. In gym class, people would pretend no one was left for choosing on a team so that I was alone. After lunch each day, I stood over the garbage can and brushed food out of my long hair. I came home with a ton of bruises. Eventually one of my teachers realized I was being bullied when I was hit three feet in front of him. The game stopped, but not the bullying. My dad was overseas, and my mom was wallowing in self-pity at being a single parent and would snap at me. Honestly? I picked up as much as she did as the oldest. My younger brother was going through a bad stage where he would pull clumps of my hair out, tease me, and such. My younger sister, who had spent some time with Her, would all-out attack me when my parents were not there. I was completely alone in the world. My depression was so bad that I had physical symptoms from migraines to daily diarrhea to constant physical pain. I never hit anyone back, be it my siblings or Her. I screamed every night that I wanted to die, and my mom didn’t do much. Eventually they got me into therapy, but it was way too late. At that point, I couldn’t talk. I would open my mouth and sound rarely came out. I was terrified what I said would be used against me, would be twisted. Because I didn’t talk much during therapy, Mom started using that time. She would take up the entire therapy time while I sat in the waiting room. Eventually the doctor said that Mom should schedule her own appointment, because she wasn’t paying for herself. Starting in 7th grade, I made two friends, which helped. Yet the bullying didn’t slow down until the end of 8th when it got out that I was highly suicidal. I think some of the people realized that what they were doing had consequences. In 9th grade I went to a big school, so people got to meet me one on one. This meant people who only knew my by rumors found out I am nothing like those. After that the bullying trickled down to a few people.
So life is all peachy, and I should be fine, right? Not right. Life is peachy, but my depression refuses to go away. I still think about suicide every waking moment. I sometimes can’t eat or do anything for days until a friend or someone helps me. I’m on the best combination of medicine since they started me on meds in 6th. It’s like my mind broke and refuses to go back to normal. And it sucks. It really, really sucks. I see doctors, I take my pills religiously, and I practice therapy on my own.
The link to my current problems is below...
EP Link
lightgoddess333 lightgoddess333
Sep 9, 2012