Struggling To Smile

see me laugh, watch me cry
cut me in half, as I may try
to pick up pieces to my broken heart
shattered over years at a part

trying so hard to smile
even though it's been awhile
the sadness comes and goes
but when it comes, it flows

deep within my heart
deep within my veins to part
my eyes from my tears
and my sadness over years

It's been far too long, for me to
***** and complain about you,
and while you're years long gone
similar memories of someone else are drawn

a pit of guilt, shame and sadness
feeling I only dread to see exist
as I'm trying so hard to fill my glass
I cant seem to look beyond my past

so tell me how to mend the pain
tell me how to end this miserable game
trying to rebuild my life, (after you cut me down to size)
I only wish love was right, (because now i realize)

It burns my eyes to cry, like soap or chemicals in my eye
try so hard not to show it, but sometimes I just cry
not because i want to, but because i just cant take it
It hurts so bad sometimes i slowly begin to lose it

crying uncontrollably, wondering if this is pain?
feeling worthless, nothing but the remains of...
trying not to blind myself from the tears,
because it's so hard to bare these thoughts (over years)

years of being let down
from tears and frowns
drowsy eyes hidden by lies
only hoping to find my way

now that i'm in a different, state,
sometimes I tend to hesitate
speaking, opening up to others
going down a different path

I'm frequently drained, losing my smile
struggling to keep up the act after a while
I slip up, as some people notice I'm sad
others ask if I'm okay, as I lie: i'm not half-bad

truth is, I'm dying to figure out: how do i smile?
how do I create a new style and rhythm to my mile?
how do I feel good about myself? when i'm still on the shelf.
how do I love myself? when i cant find a reason to believe.

{what are you talking about? you're smiling now, right?}

sure, keep telling yourself that.
as I fight with myself night after night
feeling the chills, and lack of sight

sight of the future and belief that someone:
is out there waiting for me to run away
chasing dreams, day by day as i struggle to smile
silentmisery silentmisery
18-21, F
Nov 29, 2012