Feeling Beat Down Tonight

Starting to feel pretty tearful now. At first I was angry at how my son is portraying me. Got back home after a grueling drive and got hit with the news that I am portrayed as some kind of uncaring and thieving monster in my son's eyes. This blindsided me. I am at a loss tonight. Can all of the years of being his mother be wiped away? I never thought anything like this would happen to our relationship as we were so strong in our love for one another. I just want to pack it in tonight and crawl into a hole and pull the dirt over my head.

Thirty years of worrying and loving him for what? I sit here rubbing my head in disbelief. Am truly at a loss at what I heard from my ex. Another slap in the face. Ironic that when my life is so hard that I get another punch in the gut. There has to be a lesson in all of this but for the life of me I cannot figure it out. To know that the child I raised and thought I knew so well is a stranger to me is so revealing.

He is so judgemental and self righteous. Refuses to acknowledge another's right to their feelings contrary from his. If a child can turn away from his mother for no good reason then can any relationship ever be safe? It fills me with fear tonight. Unsettling for me. As if I am standing on quicksand. I am so tired right now. My ex tells me this and then goes off to sleep in his room and I am left sitting here reeling and so alone. My heart is breaking.

If anyone had told me that my son would act like this I would have called them a liar but I would be wrong. I am too tired tonight to make sense of something that makes no sense at all. I must remember to keep the good in the front of my mind. It is the only way I can deal with this latest blow. It is the unexpected in life, the things that take us unaware, that cut like a knife. Hopefully this too shall pass....

dartist dartist
56-60, F
11 Responses Mar 15, 2010

Dear One, I know we have not spoken for a long time...I've had a stoke. I'm good, now though.<br />
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You have to kepp Loving him it is true. But when the world seems to turn on you remember one thing...The Creator did not make a mistake with you and your worth, Your self worth is more important than the relationships around you. You may have family,but uyou were put in the Earth to do more than this...your relationships are just meant to help you grow & become the soul/spirit you were meant to be!<br />
You are more precious than gold, diamonds, any amount of money, or what people may say or do to get you to do it their way. And no matter what...you have to find the Heaven in you. It is there, waiting for you to discover it, my sweet dear.<br />
vWhen you leave Earth you cannot take anyone or thing with you. Only a good or bad feeling goes with you. This trip is about you and what you were meant to accomplish. If I am correct your Ex was not being a very good partner or friend at one time. And at the time economics prevented you from removing youself grom a very stagnant situation.<br />
When you continue too long in negative events for whatever the reason, or go along with what is killing you inside too long...negative situations usually come about to make you decide for yourself what your life could be. The Creator did not put you here to go thru H---. The Creator and his son want you to Love yourself the way they do. Then you will be able to set yourself free of all thses negative events, too.<br />
You are a creator...do you not want the best for your creations? soul & spirit cannot continue in your surroundings without real food & drink. Let your son live his life away from you until he has a relationship problem...he will come back & let you know he was wrong.<br />
Rmember Teeth & Tongue have the closest and longest relationship in the world, right? But don't you sometimes bite your tongue?? Nothing in Earth perfect...We all try for it, but it was not meant to be. Only the Creator is perfection. We were meant for something totally different than that.<br />
Much Love & Many Bearhugs, livingwell

"The important lesson to take from all of this is to move forward taking care of ourselves now."<br />
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Intellectually I know this... as do you... but it is so difficult to say no, I won't do it anymore... and the anger that is handed back... is so hurtful... <br />
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I don't think I could have been different... I have to be true to myself; that is who I am.

I have thought about this very thing FOP. It is too late to change how I handled my relationships in the past especially concerning my children but would I have done things differently? It is a part of my nature to be a fixer, a peace maker. The important lesson to take from all of this is to move forward taking care of ourselves now. In this way the past is not in vain but a great teacher. That is what life seems to be all about. Thank you for getting me to think about this tonight. Your friendship is precious to me. Hugs,D.<br />
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Thank you for your prayers KFC. Prayers do make a difference. An energy that helps the heart to heal and go on. I think of you often and keep you in my prayers also. You are a fine lady and a good friend. I hope that life is going better for you now. That your fears concerning relationships have diminished a bit. Blessings,D<br />
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Rob57, I agree with you about children and their actions towards us. They expect perfection from parents and none of us is perfect and this makes us human. I pray that your love and her children work this out for I know how this pain hurts. The best we can do is keep the doors open but also take care of us and keep the loving relationships that we have found safe and happy. All the best to you and your love,D.

Dearest dartist... we are going though such hellish changes... and it seems at times as if a little compassion is simply too much to ask...<br />
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My heart goes out to you, as I fight my own battles with my daughter... <br />
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You say: "I believe this latest event is a result of me standing up for myself and moving on to my own happiness. "<br />
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The people around us, our children included, are so accustomed to us bending over backwards... always there for them... always fixing everything... attempting to stand between them and the world. ...and now, now when we make up our minds that it's time for us... they aren't ready to let that go.<br />
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I'm not sure for whom we've done the greatest disservice... them, or ourselves... in giving so much for so long.

You have no reason to apologize. I wrote about why this is happening somewhere else on EP. Was really in a tailspin that evening. I do feel sad about my son now and am hopeful that things will turn around but my life is moving into a new dimension and nothing will change my course. <br />
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One of the points I have been thinking about is that I am given no breaks from him. He is aware that my life has been very hard this winter. That I have been in a bad depression due to the horrible winter, trying to keep finances in order, and hoping for some compensation for my injury and all of the resulting problems due to this. I am no super woman. Just a woman. So much more than a mother however. I know that what I would like from him is a little compassion. I do not want him to choose sides in my break up but to understand that this is happening for sound reasons. Peace,D.

Hi again... I'm glad to hear the positive notes emanating from your last post.. I apologise about my first post.. I must have overlooked what it was your son had been saying.. anyway your last post says it all and you are absolutely right. <br />
Once your children have reached adulthood they have to find their own paths in life and they don't have a say in what goes on in yours.. he should be adult enough to accept that your happiness is paramount to yourself as his is to him. You stick to the simple pleasures in life and enjoy the love that is in it.. you say that the best person is by your side.. that should be all your family need to know.. if you don't look after yourself.. no-one else will.<br />
X

Thanks to you who have offered support now. It means so much! I am alright tonight. Putting life into perspective again. Blows hurt when my life is so full right now. I long for an ordinary life with no drama. Getting our home in order and cooking good meals. Enjoying simple pleasures like cuddling with my love at night. Falling to sleep with his arms around me. Just sitting on the couch watching some program on the telly together. Simple pleasures that mean everything. <br />
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I want an ordinary life. Simple and filled with what we have missed for way too long. Wisdom has been long in coming. Possessions are meaningless. Love endures. My dreams are filled with the closeness of my love. I feel him pressed against my body and I fall to sleep knowing that the best person I have ever been blessed to know is next to me. <br />
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If I can show my children that I am happy then all is worth it in the end. It is a process. I am determined to let them see that I am loved and respected and at at peace. D.

Let me tell you a little secret.... Your not the only one. Children have no respect these days, I know so many mothers that are dis-owned by their children. You can thank society and our government for that. Trust me it probably isn't you at all. No matter how hard we try to raise our children these days, the outcome of our relationship with them is out of our hands. Oh you can try and try until it drives you insane if that is what you choose to do. But the best thing to do is just accept it. I am 52 and my Fience is 50. We met on a dating site over a year ago. I have been here for over a year now. Her daughter whom is supposed to be intelligent, She is a teacher. And her son have dis-owned her for no aparent reason. I guess they just wanted to keep her alone and lonesome all her life. Her daughter still isn't talking to her at all. And her son talkes to her when he has to. She had a really hard time with it in the beginning. But I convinced her that she raised them and now they have a life of their own and she is entitled to happiness and a life of her own too. Well after myselfe explaining this to her and several of her friends explaining this to her. She has been able to let go and finally let some of her sorrow turn into a little bit anger towards them. Don't get me wrong if one of them would decide they wanted to talk to her she would break her neck to get to them to talk. But she don't let it bother her like it used to. And by learning to let go and like they say.<br />
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.<br />
The courage to change the things that I can.<br />
And the wisdome to know the difference. <br />
She has been able to overcome the constant sadness she was feeling because of them.

D: All you can do is love him, unconditionally and keep letting him know that. Also keep letting him know that what goes on between you and his father is not about him or any of his business.<br />
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He is angry with you, "because you have broken up his fairy tale family". Don't beat yourself up D, he is either going to come around at some point, or he will endure a terrible loss in his life.<br />
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My prayers are with you friend.

Thank you for the support. Lately life has been hard for various reasons and this one threw me. I did write the reason why my son is taking this attitude on a forum about kids and how they are. Slept in today and taking life with a grain of salt. I hope to have a dialogue with my son but now it is up to him as I have made many overtures to him with no responses. I will not beg but will keep the door open to him always. <br />
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I also know that my ex plays the victim role quite well while I try and keep my children out of our marital problems. Strange that my son encouraged me to start a new life and offered me help and a temporary place to live and now this. There have been things said by my ex that has brought this about but I am in the dark. <br />
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I am feeling more in balance today. Will be great when I am through the hard part of life and able to write in a more positive vein. I believe this latest event is a result of me standing up for myself and moving on to my own happiness. I did wait until my children were adults and responsible for their own happiness. All I want is for them to respect my right to be happy and loved too. <br />
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I was the glue that held things together and the hub of this life and now I am changing and some people find this hard to deal with. So be it. I will not back down and will continue to be true to my feelings and my chosen path that is right for me. <br />
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A year ago I would have been a basket case. Now I have learned to take better care of myself. I am no longer angry today. Not even tearful. I cannot change other people. My son perhaps will come around in time and realize that his feelings towards me are based on his own fears about himself. He can be a hard person and I am concerned about how all of this is affecting his wife. She is a lovely sweet young woman. I will see her before I leave in a few weeks for a much needed break from my life here. Keep things between her and I on a loving basis and not put her in the middle of this. My main concern is for the stability of their marriage. <br />
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The last time they visited a few months back she was talking and my son looked at her and told her to shut up! To shush her mouth! I immediately told him that this was no way to treat his wife. I made a joke out of it to deflect my anger but the point was made I hope. I will never stand for a woman to suffer abuse if I can help it! Have been down that road way too many times in my own life. She is an intelligent teacher and mentor to young people. Well traveled and kind of heart. <br />
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I will make every effort to mend fences. Refuse to harbor anger for long but I must be met halfway. Self respect has been hard won and I will not allow myself to feel less of a human being by anyone anymore. Peace,D.

Wow. you must be feeling dreadful.. you haven't really said what or why your son has been saying and so its difficult for me to understand.<br />
What I do know is that I can empathise with you because I would be devastated if my son ever turned his back on me and for what would appear to be not a very good reason.<br />
Im sure there is more to your story and I hope for you that this gets resolved as you are obviously in a lot of emotional turmoil. I kinda hope that the maternal bond that you did have will come through for you both.<br />
Good luck.