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Forbidden And Unrequited

I felt in love with my ex-best friend (will explain the "ex" part later) since High School.  We were so close, so connected with one another. It was as if she was made for me.  I was attracted to her intellectually, physically, and spiritually. But I never told her anything because she is an Arabic Muslim and I knew it was taboo to have feelings for someone of the same sex-- even having a boyfriend was forbidden.

We went to separate colleges but we still kept in contact with one another. I finally had the guts to tell her how I felt, once I graduated from college though. I told her how deeply in love I was with her and that I've had these feelings for years. She told me she had feelings for me too in High School. But she was too afraid to tell me anything.

She stopped practicing Islam and was becoming a little liberal. She found herself a boyfriend and told me that she just couldn't see herself being with me, since I am a girl and all. She also said that she didn't know if she loves her boyfriend or if she loves me. But even if she did, we wouldn't be able to be together because she doesn't want to hurt her boyfriend. In my heart, I knew she did not love me and was just saying it so that she wouldn't hurt my feelings. 

We stopped being friends after a big argument --curse words flying on both ends. She said she no longer wanted to be my friend and now it's been 4 months since I've spoken to her. I miss her terribly, but she wants nothing to do with me. I'm still madly in love with her but I know she doesn't feel the same. Rejecting our friendship over a big argument made me think that perhaps our friendship wasn't as solid as I thought it was. Not to mention that the argument wasn't a good reason for her to abandon me. I think she just wanted to get rid of me, once I told her how I felt.

Now I'm suffering like hell-- crying every single day for 4 months and still counting. The pain is even more unbearable when you have Borderline Personality Disorder and depression. I lost my job and even tried to kill myself. My friend wrote her an email once I was in the hospital. She told her that I tried to overdose with medication because of her. She didn't respond to his email. It was as if she didn't care if I was dead or not.

My psychiatrist had to increase  the medication 3 times already and I still feel like dirt. I lost someone who was very special to me--I lost a big part of me. I don't have will to live anymore. How can I be the same strong girl I was in the past? How can I forget about her? How could I move on with my life?
flan19 flan19 22-25, F 2 Responses Jan 18, 2012

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I actually posted this in the wrong category. :-/

I have been were you are now. I am only thirteen and every one says i just wan'ted attion. If you don't give up and keep pushing on you will find your fealing's for her will slowly slip away. Then, you will realize it only herts worse once you stop lovein her. I found its much harder not to love someone whom you fell madly in love with than to still love them and not be with them.