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Non Custodial Mom Who Cannot Seem To Accept Reality

Hi,  I gave up primary custody of my two children to their father 3 years ago.  I have never recovered.  I thought at the time that I was doing something good for them but it was a mistake.  I don't even see the point of sharing the story.  Even when people claim to understand how I made such a poor decision, the fact remains that I can't forgive myself and I can't seem to find happiness no matter where I turn.  When I initially gave up custody, I opted to live in another state.  That was OBVIOUSLY wrong.  I was out of state for 5 months, visited monthly.  I couldn't live with that choice.  I moved back to be near them.  Then after 9 the months it took for me to find a good job and a good place to live around the corner from the kids, their father moved them out of state and left me in the dirt so to speak.  In my own defense, I was in a poor state of mind when I initially gave up custody.  The divorce from their father was at the end of 8 years of moving every year for his career. I did not work.  I stayed home and moved.  He cheated on me throughout the marriage and he wanted the divorce.  I think slowly went mentally down hill (or very fast depending on how you look at things).  I met someone after we split up and there were a conglomeration of factors that led me to decide to give up custody.  It is just too horrifying to face that I made that choice.  Now I visit them monthly and fight to get them every holiday.  I send them mail every week and I just keep trying to be part of their lives, but I hate myself most days.  I have trouble relating to people anymore.  No one understands and they shouldn't.  I don't either.
risingfromashes risingfromashes 36-40, F May 15, 2012

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