Non Custodial Mom Who Cannot Seem To Accept RealityHi, I gave up primary custody of my two children to their father 3 years ago. I have never recovered. I thought at the time that I was doing something good for them but it was a mistake. I don't even see the point of sharing the story. Even when people claim to understand how I made such a poor decision, the fact remains that I can't forgive myself and I can't seem to find happiness no matter where I turn. When I initially gave up custody, I opted to live in another state. That was OBVIOUSLY wrong. I was out of state for 5 months, visited monthly. I couldn't live with that choice. I moved back to be near them. Then after 9 the months it took for me to find a good job and a good place to live around the corner from the kids, their father moved them out of state and left me in the dirt so to speak. In my own defense, I was in a poor state of mind when I initially gave up custody. The divorce from their father was at the end of 8 years of moving every year for his career. I did not work. I stayed home and moved. He cheated on me throughout the marriage and he wanted the divorce. I think slowly went mentally down hill (or very fast depending on how you look at things). I met someone after we split up and there were a conglomeration of factors that led me to decide to give up custody. It is just too horrifying to face that I made that choice. Now I visit them monthly and fight to get them every holiday. I send them mail every week and I just keep trying to be part of their lives, but I hate myself most days. I have trouble relating to people anymore. No one understands and they shouldn't. I don't either.
risingfromashes 36-40, F 0 May 15, 2012