Push, Pull

I started spending time with someone right after a divorce. I knew I was vulnerable. He told me that he was coming out of a long and hurtful relationship, too.



We were dating, and it was still very early on in our relationship. During dinner one night at a local restaurant, he brought up a topic that was unpleasant to me. He joked that there is a stereotype of women who "will try anything" sexual. I have been that person. I am easily guided, or in this case, misguided, because I am so naive that I think there's no way anyone would ever do anything to hurt me or take advantage of me, on purpose. I have an undying need to please my partner, and that has led me to places I do not like to think about. His comment caused me to remember something that happened to me, and it fit his stereotype, which made me feel awful.



Out of ignorance, anger, and probably some other negative emotions, I blatantly blurted out the fact that I had done something like that, because I am the woman that he stereotyped, and I was perhaps even a little proud to prove him right. I presented to him some awful sexual images of my past, right there at the table during our dinner date. I was intoxicated. I was coming from a bad place. I didn't know that he had fallen in love with me. In some ways, I think that I might have been attempting to shock or offend him, so that he would not want to get close to me. I had just been hurt badly in a sick marriage, and was in no shape to be dating. I'm not making excuses for myself, but all of these things played a part in why I acted how I did.

When I told him those awful things from my past, presented like a trophy or badge, it disgusted him. Though I immediately sensed a change in him, i did not know what it was, and had not made the connection. Once it became clearer to me, I felt awful. I had instantly turned myself into a stranger with my careless words.

This thing that I shared with him from my past caused him to feel violated. It made him doubt other things that I said. Not only did it have an impact on how he saw me, and what he thought of me, I think also that it re-opened wounds from his childhood that caused him to feel a similar disgust.

I could not take back the things that I had told him. He said I gave him something awful. That person I used to be is not who I am now. I had become someone sick and was surrounded by other sick people for a very long time. I made a lot of bad decisions, and he doesn't understand this, nor have faith in the fact that people make mistakes, and people also change.

He said that though it causes him great pain, he tries to live his life in such a way that he causes himself nor anyone else any pain, because he only wants to bring good things into the world. He is, as far as I have seen, a wonderful person who lives closely to his beliefs.

I am not a bad person, I have just made bad decisions. I do not want to hurt people, nor do I get a kick out of awful things. It was just easy to believe that my past lifestyle was "acceptable" because of the people I was surrounded by. I don't live like that any more, but I also will not be able to polish the tarnish of my past off myself overnight.

So he and I have continued to try to date, but it has not been easy. He is overwhelmed often by these bad feelings that I gave him, and he shares with me the residual emotions that he gets when he thinks about that night. I have apologized to him and have been honest to the best of my ability. In the beginning, he would probe me with questions that I could not answer. I couldn't remember, or knew I didn't have my facts straight. Sometimes, I never really understood how I felt about the situation enough to answer his questions properly. I started to feel like his interrogations were abusive. They weren't leading us in a forward direction, and more importantly, they made me feel awful in an unhealthy way.

I expressed how I felt about the questions. He'd go so far as to wake me up in the middle of the night to tell me he was hurting, and would then cause himself further pain by asking me intimately detailed questions about my past. This happened so often that I stopped spending weeknights at his house. We had gotten too close, too soon. We both admitted that. I still didn't understand why he was tormenting himself.

One night, he became so adamant about having these questions answered that I could not stand it any more. I felt like we were going in circles. I got up in the middle of the night to pack my things. I told him that we could not go on this way, and that by continuing to see each other, we were encouraging something unhealthy. He would ask me not to leave, and that he was only trying to express himself to me, and that he wasn't walking away or quitting.

I felt like I was not quitting, but setting us both free. I did not want to be constantly reminded that I hurt him, with zero opportunity to correct it, or be forgiven. I asked him to forgive me several times, and he said he did forgive me. I do not think he fully understands what it means to forgive someone. I understand that when someone hurts you, it is hard to forget, but when you forgive someone, you take those feelings on as your own, and release them. If you can't make that commitment, then you can't truly forgive someone.

We have gone through this cycle of him waking me up, us crying, me packing my things, and him begging me not to go - several times. He often tells me that he is not giving up on us, but that he "hates me" for what I did to him. I think I am being blamed for many feelings he has buried from his childhood, and from his past. I do not feel like I have been forgiven at all, else he would not "hate me".

How can you hate someone you love?

He pushes me away when he says these hurtful things, then he pulls me close and says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

I love myself too much to go through this, even though I think he is a beautiful human being. He is aware that he is not without flaws, but in contrast to how flawed I am, and how horrible my past is, he has made much better decisions.

I cannot allow someone to treat me like this. He says he is "sacrificing himself for me" because he loves me, and doesn't ever want anything bad to happen to me in this "big scary world", so he stays with me to protect me.

I can't seem to make it clear to him that what he is doing to me is awful. What he is doing to himself, if he truly still feels this way, is awful.

I feel sometimes like he is manipulating me, but I have never witnessed him use manipulation in any other situation, ever. I have seen him interact with many people. He is soulful, nurturing, and giving of himself.

I know I hurt him. I know I can't take back what I did. I can't fix it. All I can do is show him how I feel about him. I have been nothing but kind, but I can't erase my past.

He had not made me feel bad about my mistake in a long time. We had spent many wonderful weekends together, filled with love, laughter and lots of reciprocation of affection. He tells me that he is still affected by the "ugly thing" that I gave him, but that he tries to keep it away from me, because he doesn't like to see me cry.

I thought things were getting better.

Last night, I made a very foolish decision, and spent a weeknight with him. I have to wake up very early, and he does not have to wake up at all. His work allows him to make his own schedule. I have a 9-5 job.

Though the little voice in my head told me to GO HOME, I stayed with him at his place. We were laying down together in bed. I was trying to fall asleep. He asked me to roll over and face him, and he did it again.

He told me how awful I made him feel, and that sometimes I was gross to him. He told me that he felt violated, disgusted, and that he loved me. Then he told me that he can't love me without telling me that he hates me for sharing something so ugly with him.

I wish he could see that I made a mistake, and made it ONCE. I have been nothing but kind, ever since. I want nothing but good things with him, and he consistently hurts me with his residual feelings that I can do nothing about. He can't see that by sharing with me his disgust, he is intentionally causing me pain. With complete consciousness, he tells me how awful I am.

Where is the good in that? Of what use is it to hurt someone who hurt you?

I feel so ugly inside. I love him very much, but I love myself more.

 

LexieLaughs LexieLaughs
26-30, F
Feb 16, 2010