Shattered Dreams

I write this from the empty place in my heart where you used to be. 7 years of my life I gave to you and I did the best I could. I became blind with the uncertainties of life. I lost my bearings and lost myself. I destroyed your trust and broke your heart when I let someone in between us. I only wanted to help her and it got out of hand. After you found out I was talking to her in a way I shouldn't have you let me back in because you loved me. I was so confused then, how could I do that to you? The person I loved most? I don't know who I was or what took over me. I was so scared and claustrophobic. I ran away, back home many states away to figure out what I was doing with my life. I realized you were what I wanted, I was just to consumed by all the things around us to see it clearly. I didn't try hard enough, I was selfish, I was close minded and set in my ways. I failed you and you still wanted to work it out with me because you loved me so. 8 months later we are working at getting back together, you were coming to me and again it was selfish of me to expect that from you. 2 months from you being in my arms again and you freak out and tell me you aren't coming and for me to move on. I can't hate you, I can't mad at you, all i can feel is that I deserve this for what I did. There will never be another like you. I won't pretend there can be. I love you with all my heart even now after I have said goodbye. You have shared the best moments of my life and I will never ever forget you. I just don't know if I can let you go. If you would give me just one more try, I would give up anything, I would pull the sky down and make the ocean boil if I thought it would make a difference. I am so ashamed and I still don't know why I did what I did. I wasn't myself, I was numb to everything, like you are to me now except you are certain of what you want. I wasn't. I was just a fool, and immature fool that got caught up in the repetitious cycle of life and forgot what was important. You were, you and I together, our love was so pure and I splattered it across our path with no regard for what it might wrought. I had no faith in myself, life is just so random, how can i believe in anything? My morals kept me stable for so long, I would never do anything to hurt you, and yet I did. How could I do that? My morals were my frame, my strength. It is what made us glow in the darkness that reality can sometimes be. Others envied what we had, I was so proud of it and of us. Why did this have to happen? Why did I lose myself? I have been told that in order to truly love another you have to first love yourself. I have never loved myself but your happiness brought my happiness. I strove for everything I we had and I have because you gave me the heart to obtain it, but without you these things are worthless as dirt. How can I love myself now after what I've done to you. You are better off without me even though I know you still love me. You will be the sun in someone else sky. I will continue to live on, never really finding happiness. I will just continue, with no direction or path to follow. I can't replace you, I can't pretend it is possible. All I can see is a compromise to find someone like you but they can never be you. I find this so be so horribly depressing. My true love story ended like so many others, and now it means as little as corpses in a graveyard. No one knows what we were but me and you. To all others its just a sad song, move on, it wasn't meant to be. Bulshit. The reason it wasn't meant to be was because I failed you. If I hadn't things wouldn't have ended this way. I can't say that it couldn't have ended in a worse way, but I can't say that I wouldn't have married you and created life with you like I would have eventually wanted. I know you wanted it too, even if you went along with my bias opinions of marriage and children. I was a fool, plain and simple. All I gain from this is knowledge of how not to fail the next time and i don't even want to bother.
w1ck3d574r w1ck3d574r
26-30, M
2 Responses Aug 9, 2010

im right there with you bro, 7 years and just a pile of issues never sorted out. a large domino board of crashing issues. hope your doing better now its been some months since you wrote this. Keep strong take care of yourself, start to build a stonger life for yourself

we all do things that will hurt the people we love most. we do it for ourselves. i too have hurt so many people in my life and ended up with nothing. what we can do is learn from our mistakes. it's never a good feeling to feel empty. so we got to whoever or whatever is near. you sound like you have changed a lot since this happened. and that's a step. keep on going with the thought of caring. you will do fine. and i wish you luck and happiness.