I Need Help =[

I realy dont know where to start...When i was 5, i used to get babysat by my parents friend who fostered young boys, One day one of the older boys asked if my brother and i would like to play a game of "mummys and daddys" we both jumped at the chance, the older boy said that i could be the mum, he would be the dad and my younger brother would be the child, he made my brother go into a different room and i had to sleep with him (in the game) he then said that i had to do things that a mum and dad would do,for about 2 years he made me do things to him and he would touch me, then once i turned 7 he raped me, he continued to rape me for 3 years untill the family moved away and could no longer babysit us. we then moved to France, our neighbours were round having some dinner, the wife and children went home after a while and my parents were doing things in the garden, i was inside on the computer and the husband came in and started forcing himself on me, nothing happened but it dragged everything back up that i had tried so hard to bury at the back of my mind. I have no confidence at all, i wont even go into a shop on my own, and being a 20 year old female, it stops me from doing alot of things, im scared of everything, i managed to start going out with friends to night clubs but coming out of a night club one night i ran into a couple of boys i met inside, they dragged me off the pavement and into some bushes, one held me as the other hit me and tore my cloths as he tryed to rape me, thankfully before it got too far a group of men who had been walking past heard screams and ran over to help, stopping the two after that i became severly depressed and started self harming, i then started talking to my current boyfriend who lives over 200 miles away, we met up and i eventually moved in with him, he makes me feel safe, loved, needed, he is my best friend and i have never loved anyone as much...but things went bad, i discovered i had gall stones and had to have an operation, being in so much pain i couldnt work and had to move back home, iv since had the operation and now fully recovered but we cant move back in with each other as now he cant work due to an illness. So i feel like everything is against me, i feel like im never meant to be happy, im completely heart broken, i cant sleep without him, i cant get through a day without crying, we speak everyday a few times but we just end up arguing as i take things out on him and visa versa, im just at a total lose with what to do...i just feel like whats the point anymore?...i dont understand what i have done to deserve all this....
I f anyone could help me it would be great, although looking at all iv wrote i wouldnt be suprised if anyone actualy reads the whole lot...anyways i hope some one will and can help me in some way.
Racheal04 Racheal04
22-25
4 Responses Aug 2, 2010

Hi -<br />
<br />
I hear an incredibly strong and brave woman speaking so honestly and clearly about very deep pain. I am astounded and moved. <br />
<br />
For a long time, before our lives carried us a country apart, I was friends with a woman who had a very similar life-path to yours, as you describe it. I was always honored to sit with her and listen to the trials and tribulations she had moved through, just as I am yours. She is about 40 years old, now. She has my undying respect and love. So, I will say that the response that begged you to make something good of your experiences by sharing them with others who have experienced harm is a VERY good one. Healing others with your story can be incredibly cathartic. Truly you have no idea how moving your life story is. The impact you have is tremendous! Every word was easy to read, because it is all so moving.<br />
<br />
My friend, mentioned above, sought lots of therapy. She gained some relief from the therapy but there was one approach, in the end, that seemed to make DRAMATIC differences in her. It was called EMDR therapy. A quick google gave me this link, which could help introduce you to the concept ... http://www.emdr-therapy.com/ After many months (perhaps a year) of EMDR, she dropped her drug habits and made huge corrections in her relationships with her friends and family. I'm not going to say it was all pretty and it wasn't easy. All the same, she experiences much more peace, today, than she did all those years ago. I stay in touch with her over facebook. She has a daughter, now, and is a GREAT mom ... something she NEVER thought she'd want, because she was afraid of her issues making her a bad mom. Now, I can't recommend EMDR first-hand. I've never done it. But, the changes I witnessed in my friend as SHE did are enough for me to say it really works.<br />
<br />
And, I have perhaps a strange suggestion to make, relative to your parents asking you "Why?" Perhaps a devil-may-care attitude to the question is sufficient .... a smirk ... a shrug ... a reply of "Curiosity?" with one-eyebrow raised. Of course, none of my specifics may work for your relationship with your parents, but know that, in truth, you're an adult and it's none of their #$5^ business "why". If you don't think they'll support you in this, then you don't need to confide in them. If finances are an issue, my friend came through her EMDR therapy via some kind of public assistance. I don't have more detail than that, but it's worth exploring. So, don't be afraid to google, explore, ask-around. There are so many resources out there to help you.<br />
<br />
You are so WORTH your own love and care and, personally, I'd LOVE to hear more of your story as you do find deeper and deeper healing.<br />
<br />
Hugs & acknowledgment to you!

i'm so sorry, really wish you would listen to me. I know and have truly experienced someone who has transformed my life, He has given me beauty for ashes, joy for mourning. His love never fails, He's ever there even when everybody forsakes me .<br />
He is JESUS, the friend of a wounded heart , He told us in his word that He gives peace which the world cant give.<br />
I was once depressed and felt life was not worth living until i heard his word and humbled my self. I was really touched when i read in the bible that as many as come to Him , he would in no wise cast out.<br />
I confessed my sinful indulgence and turned away from them all. I accepted him as Lord and Personal saviour and now i experience the Joy that comes from knowing him, Oh what peace he truly gives.<br />
Oh that people would search out this truth for themselves and see what boundless love , what marvelous grace awaits them<br />
If only you would try and see, if only you would try and see. He would truly transform your life and make it blissful.

Thank you for your replys. I havnt recieved any councelling...why? i dont know...i didnt think i needed it, my other excuse is i dont know how they can help. I have told my parents, although not in detail, my boyfriend knows everything though. My boyfriend knows everything about me, wich is why i think i rely on him for everything ranging from feeling safe to making me feel happy. I realy don't want to be on any medication, although i dont doubt it would do me the world of good. I also dont want to go and see a doctor about this, my parents will just ask me why im going and when i tell them my dad will just rip into me and take the micky...my mum...shewould tell me to stop being so over dramatic and i realy cant deal with all that at the moment. As for God, i dont want to upset or insult you but i wish not to talk about him. I feel so hurt and at loss, surley if there was a god innocent people wouldnt be put through this. Anyway, thank you for your reply and i hope to here from you again. Im sorry about the god thing. I hope i didnt offend you.<br />
Racheal x

Take your pain and turn it into something.Help people like you.& please carry a knife or mace in your bag. I fear your safety!