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Sharing My Heartache.. The Truth From The Start

My story starts nearly 4 years ago now I met a bloke,(chris)he caught my eye, dark hair, dark eyes , my type of guy and at the time i was in a pretty awful relationship, but I ended it with the guy I was with and we ended up together. Thinking the grass was greener on theother side! I thought everything was perfect but I started finding pictures of girl's on his phone, texts to other girl's, relations with **** and chat sites and even pictures of himself! Cut it short, I kept forgiving him and within a year I moved in with him.. but was starting to get insecure, I would get upset so easy, find it hard to forget all the things that I had found, and this is where it started eating at me. I started checking texts, checking the computer history and all of his accounts, we was happy otherwise but it kept hurting me, and to make it worse I started to find conversations he was having with his work colleagues so this as well made it hard for me to concentrate positively when he was at work! The lies got worse, he was good at trying to get out of things but deep down I knew it was lies but I stayed, I felt weak and betrayed but I loved him and I knew he loved me. There was times we came close to breaking up as i knew I shouldnt he putting up with it but he would cry I would cry, I was starting to lose control, i used to go home when i had a gap at work and not tell him i was coming home, i was waiting to catch him out at something.One christmas he proposed to me ,I being me, was a fool in love and said yes, we were both so excited as were our familys but this didnt stop the way I was feeling I couldn't trust him one bit. I used to talk to my friends about things but I never told them the whole story, I was afraid they thought I was mad for staying. It was truely eating at me, I used to get a gut instinct something was going on so I would start checking things one by one, always finding something pictures to strange older women, hidden hotmail accounts with contacts and more texts, he was starting to get clever though and would delete things but this of course gave me even more reason to suspect thing's! Well we booked the wedding for this june 13th , we couldn't wait. Things calmed off for a bit..i would check but couldnt find anything.just last this last october I got that gut feeling about this girl at work he was texting, she was new, and even though he had had a few different jobs whilst we was together he always seemed to get a little bit too friendly with the girls. This one in peticular( as I have found out now) but he kept reasuring me nothing was going on , but I didn't believe it we started arguing more, I couldn't srand being out the house it was really eating at me that something was going on but I couldn't find anything to show me. I was blaming everything on myself, I couldn't stop crying because I wanted everything to just be ok, I went on to anti depressants explaining to the doctor I was scared I would push my partner away, I started getting snappy and angry because all day everyday I would be thinking in to everything that he had done to hurt me and it used to make my blood boil, I was loosing patience with work, with my friends , family and even chris. I started treating them all not so nicely, I didnt realise it at the time but I was just a mess inside, screwed up feelings, everything i remembered made me upset, hurt but yet angry for what he was and had done, i wanted to make him feel bad, make him feel like he would lose me so he wouldnt do it again, i was losing so much sleep too, i would cry at night afraid to lose him for feeling like this and being this girl tat was crying and checking phones. The worst thing was I asked my doctor for counselling as I wanted to just stay with chris and wanted help to forget what he had done and just be happy,I kept blaming myself, but thought I must stop crying to keep him, yet I was weak, I couldn't .. but all the time I was using my dad as a excuse to feeling like this again to cover up for chris. To finish it off we split up on the 25th october I was a complete emotional wreck I didnt want to leave but he was adiment I had to!
abbylincs abbylincs 18-21, F Feb 24, 2013

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