Hurt By Rejection From My Own Mother

It hurts when your mother doesn't love you.  She used to say, "I love you, but I don't like you."  then she said recently, "I don't know why I love you" now she used the word loved as in past tense and said "we just don't get along".  I am a grown woman and I am tired of her being nasty to me. I have had so much stress over it that I have been having medical problems directly due to the stress.  So I told her I don't like the way she treats me and stupid me, of course she denied it, tried to blame me and again said nasty things to me.  But always in a passive aggressive way.  Always tries to push guilt onto me- make me think I am causing her pain!!!!  Sure, I feel sorry for her- but she is the mother and she is being nasty to the only human being who has been nice to her and has been helping her through her tough times.  Now that she pushed me away she will be very lonely and it is her own fault.

But, I am tired of all this hurt.  I hurt when she was nasty to me and I disregarded it and pretended it wasn't bothering me and now I hurt because I tried to stick up for myself and she just shot me down worse.  Now it is out in the open and now it is no longer passive- it is a direct rejection of me by my mother. 

She never really loved me.  Apparently she is incapable of loving anyone- especially herself.  She only loved me when I would do what she wanted.  She sure doesn't love me for who I am- so she basically rejects her own daughter to the core- wow that hurts more than I can say.  I just cannot come to terms with this hurt.  How can a mother not love her own daughter and be so nasty? WHY????

Will the hurt ever subside?  Maybe after she dies and it is then finally over.  Maybe then I will finally feel free to be me without fear of rejection by my own mother.

chiak chiak
36-40, F
7 Responses Mar 6, 2009

I can TOTALLY relate... I am a middle aged woman that still suffers from constantly being rejected by my mother. I have put myself through so much constantly going back for more hoping to FINALLY get the love and acceptance from my mother. It DOES hurt and would be so much easier if she weren't alive horrible to say, because I haven't been able to get over how easy it is for her to ALWAYS just forget about me like I don't exist ... She chose the man she's still with over me after he molested and abused me so I don't know why I would think she would chose me now? I've just done EVERYTHING I can to try to have a relationship with her all my life I recently let it take me to a total emotional break down... I just realized I have to FORGIVE her BUT move on because sometimes people even your own blood are too toxic to our lives and it's NOT in any way OUR faults!!! It's there's and their loss my friend!!! I know it's hard but you either accept her as it is what it is , or you realize it IS too toxic and move on loving YOURSELF and healing :-) it CAN BE DONE!!!

Oh, I forgot to mention that the whole in my heart that I used to feel because of her rejection isn't so big or deep or profound. It's gotten better, but I've cried buckets and buckets. I still cry and I know that wound is there, but isn't festering. I hope not anyway. My therapist has me doing "emotional reprocessing." Best thing that ever happened to me for this pain.

Chiak, my mother died six years ago, a year before I learned the truth about where I came from. The grief I had about her rejection of me seemed so overwhelming at one point last year that I actually thought of committing suicide. (Fortunately, I found a wonderful therapist who is psychologist.) She's been helping me grieve all that stuff. I hope you get the chance to heal. I cried a lot during the basic grief process. Now I'm in the anger/barter phase of grief. My anger is directed toward God, who allowed it. <br />
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As for the cycle your family puts you through if you confront them, I understand that too. I foolishly went back home last year to see two sisters, who happen to be feuding with our uncles. Because I went to see my uncles, who I have nothing against, my sisters now have not spoken to me in more than 9 months. If I told them they were being silly for not talking to me because I went to see them, my sisters would say I was paranoid and that's not why they don't call me. They'd say their busy, yada, yada, yada. But I know the truth, regardless of what they say. And I will not allow them to hurt me or my husband or my children. So now I have to grieve that I have no family of origin.

Hi, I am in kinda the same spot. But after 10yrs of not seeing her and talking to her maybe 2-3 times a year. I have decided I cant get past this hurt and abandonment from with out seeing her face to face.( And that really scares me because 10yrs ago the last thing I saw of her was her red face and her fists punching me out.) I have put the space between us and tryed to find me. To forget about the damage with words, the rejection, and the phyical abuse. I have gotten some progress and I have come to the conclusion that when the time comes she will get her dues from got. she will be able so phyically see and feel the pain she has caused you. And then she will attempt to reconsile. <br />
Chiack, take the time for you. I am still spend my days wondering why my mother has been the person she is. I guess I would say take the time for you find your self.<br />
BUT, dont burn the bridge to her yet. yes she will someday get her dues, and if the gate is open for here her on earth God will allow her to see you for the person you are.<br />
I know for the past 10 yrs I have had one strenght with in me to guide me. I can take all that I learned form my mother, whether good or bad and use it to shape me into the person "I" want to be. <br />
That is whats happening now wit my mom. I spent 10 yrs developing my self and she has seen what A person I have become. I am not bragging. I just mean that through it all I am a decent person I dont treat people like she treats them. I dont follow in her foot steps and I am much happier! I had to do this I could break the mold. I didnt want to pass this "THING" on to my kids.<br />
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I guess all that I can say is find your self in her. take you out of the picture and run. But keep the bridge open for her when the time comes. God will guide you and will soften her heart when the time comes.

Sweetie, I hope you realize that it isn't your fault. Also, your judgement of your mother (the truth actually) shouldn't make you feel guilty. I guess I just want to validate your feelings because you are right. Getting away from your mother, right now, is also right. It is right for you. I can't say why she is the way she is - but at least you recognize it and are doing something about it. Don't stop there. Now is the time for you to heal. You're gonna have to learn to be okay whether or not she loves you or not. Maybe she loves you but is the way she is because of her upbringing - her mother. Maybe she had a great mother and upbringing and she is just a nasty person. I don't know. It really doesn't matter except for you to look at it, cope with it, and move on. Time has an amazing way of taking care of everything - and you need healig time right now. But, let me warn you, you also have to forgive her. Not for her - that's not it at all - for you. The reason is that carrying unforgiveness, hurt, anger - all those negative things - around will ultimately kill you. Find the truth, understand it, and deal constructively with it. Then, you will find some happiness for yourself - and if/when you become a mother, you will have already dealt with everything so that you will be a good and loving mother. I'm sorry you didn't get the love that everyone needs from their mother's. It isn't fair. But life isn't fair. Surround yourself with friends and take care of you! Good luck

I hear ya- but my mother has gotten worse over the years so I already mourn the loss of the mother she used to be when I was younger. She may not have been capable of loving me unconditionallly, but she did show me a lot of love and take good care of me when I was little. There seems to be absolutely no hope for her to ever be a loving mother to me again on earth. I need to accept this and know that she can only be healed by God and with her stubborness it will be when she gets to Heaven. I will survive by knowing that we will be reunited in Heaven someday where there is only God's peace and love surrounding all.

Ouch! I've gone through feeling like this, too, at times when my mom and I have been at odds (like all loved ones can be); but bottom line, and it's a hard thing to say but a harder one to live, when or if, God forbid, your mom does pass on, you'll most definitely miss her. Everyone only ever has one mother -- it's a bond that no other quite compares with -- and good, bad, or indifferent, it's a fact that that bond is deep.