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Understanding

I used to search for understanding of myself in a hapless and damaging manner. I knew who I was, I've always known who I was, but I felt like I couldn't possibly know myself, since I could not "define" it or give explanation of myself in many ways to anybody. I wanted so badly for someone, anyone to just know me - really, truly know me. Not just want to know me and make precious attempts at getting to know and understand me, but identify and simply understand who I was. And nobody did - they thought they did - I liked to pretend they did - but the lonesome feeling that has always nagged at me was never silenced. 

Especially in pertinence to my sexuality - I lusted for and loved straight women, gay women, femme women, butch women, feminine men, masculine men, straight men, gay men, metrosexuals, genderqueers, genderfucks, adrogynons, intersexed - As well as in pertinence to my gender. I "feel" like a woman, I guess..? I don't feel like a man, but I don't know what the difference of feeling like a man or woman would be, I can't understand or wrap my mind around that concept - I am female, I like who I am - But I wouldn't feel lost if one day I were miraculously a man or if I found out I was intersexed. I'd still just be... well, me - I take on the appearance of what I like whether it be a dress, heels or a neck tie, suit - flower panties or men’s briefs - sometimes I feel like doing my hair and makeup and other times I like to wear men’s cologne and jewelry. - I see the entire spectrum of the world it feels, in an androgynous state- I can't say I am trans or a "normal" or "typical" woman or even a cross dresser - I can't say I am a lesbian, bisexual, asexual, straight - sometimes I think okay well I guess I am pansexual, but then it's not even really like I love every gender, I do, but I don't really see people as their gender..? to consider it being attracted to every gender (if that makes any sense) I see them as who they are - and those who I am attracted to and love tend to be queers in one way or another, but not because of their gender or sexuality, per say - but because they have proven to be deeper, more intense, more aligned with myself. - And this ambiguity I am composed of transcends every bit of my character in everyway imaginable..

I am an artist, a writer, both personally considerable and professionally - I go through life in a means of expression of myself, my surroundings of everything people so often leave expessiveless - so the lack of articulation I held for the subject (myself) I felt one should naturally be most eloquent on reamed my spirit and turmoil’ed my being. Filled with frustration and questions and the more time which passed the more others began to agree - that they didn't know me and in turn everybody began to express and convince me there was something deeply flawed about me.

I have spent so much time and energy trying to figure out why it is that I am so very different than everybody I seem to know; family, friends, peers, lovers, acquaintances - I mean, doesn't that mean there has to be something flawed or at least skewed about my person?

I saw mental professionals, spent countless time searching any source I could think of, delved into spirituality, looked for equal counterparts in every sub-culture and community - some came closer to feeling like I belonged than others - but I still continued to feel at a loss of my identity.

A little while back however, I came to a realization which has changed my outlook on myself, my life, my person, of others - This realization was that what it was that I needed to find was self acceptance - I am who I am - I am eccentric, quirky, odd, off-beat, ambiguous, a walking talking contradiction, I am over sensitive, I over analyze everything, my mind never rests, I am curious to a fault, proud to a fault,  a cynic, a skeptic, gullible yet a non-believer, I search for meaning in things which may just be nothing, obsessive when my mind is set on something, love too deeply, am overly guarded yet overly immodest and open, I have the imagination of a child, am practical yet think with my passions, am stubborn, am closed minded and intolerant of narrow minded people, am too intense for 99.9% of anyone I've ever known, etc. - but bottom line is I am just different - I don't fit stereotypes or labels - It isn't that I don't understand me, it is that I am bothered that others don't understand me - It isn't that I can't label myself, it is that I don't believe, accept or understand labels - I believe that nothing in life is black and white so how can the most intrinsic and greatest thing (people) be put into categories or boxes or labels which are so rigid in their definitions - we as humanity are deeper and so much more complex than such narrow boxing.

I still feel lonely all the time, because I feel so different and that nobody could possibly make any sense or relate to anything I have just said or feel. I know someday I shall meet somebody who just understands me. I will continue to open up to people and try and learn people for their own differences and beings, because in the end we are all queer in one way or another, it just takes self acceptance to admit it.

 

ambiguouscontradiction ambiguouscontradiction 22-25, F 2 Responses Jan 24, 2009

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This is amazing and it resonated with me so much! It's really nice to read something that I relate to so greatly. Keep on keeping on!

Well you sound really cool to me. Ever read Tao Te Ching? Cudos to you for being who you are (whatever that nmay be at the moment).