2013- almost 2014. I've recently turned 30, but the context in which I live is comparable to Medieval times. I live in Europe, in a modern, so-called, first world state. But this little town, the little world in which I live, is stopped in time. Sometimes my English gets stuck as well, so forgive any mistakes.

In order to illustrate my present condition, I think it is better to briefly describe my past. These first 30 years of my life have got worse and worse, but my reaction has changed, in order to not feel any pain anymore. My teenager years have been poisoned by a subtle form of eating disorder. It has never been a skeleton-like condition, but it has influenced my physical appeareance in that I now seem quite a fifteen-year old girl rather than a woman. My bad. Throwing up made me feel better, it was not only a symptom of not accepting my body, but also a means to soothe the pain I had inside, coming from an anaffective, split family. A typical European family migrated to the US, with all its bundle of conservative traditions. An absent but frightening and authoritative father, and a paranoid, emotionally anaffective mother. A perfect blend. I fought with my mother for so many years, up to the point that I had to quit, to find my relief. I'm still terrorized by my father, an absent man who has the power to impose his will and fear upon my life.

I eventually decided to secretly go into therapy. I paid my doctor for 5 years, got rid of the symptom, and then I surrendered because I realized that I could not change this situation if I didn't change my family context. I could consider this the first part of my life. Anger and vomiting, compensated by great school results. No need to tell you about how perfectionist people with eating disorders can get. Towards the end of my therapy, I realized that I wanted to be loved. I had had just a couple of dates, obviously with people who would have never accepted a relationship. A young guy addicted to Saturday night cocaine, and an already engaged guy. With none of them I went beyond kisses, I was (and still am) afraid of sexuality and true love. They could have not loved me, they were too involved in loving themselves.

This said, I started part two of my life when I decided to start chatting online. It's a weird world, really depending on what you're looking for. Fate let me meet a guy who lived in my same town. I liked him, and so I started my first relationship. Needless to say, it was all new for me, and with my body disorders, everything was helplessly difficult. But I stick to it and go on. After about 1 or 2 years, I discovered a fake fb profile, with tons of hot women; you can't even imagine how I felt when I made up a fake profile to talk to him, and see my whole relationship crumble with heartbreaking shame. through this fake profile, I asked him whether he had relatioships or meetings with these women. He said that he hadn't because he respected his girlfriend even if he has never fallen in love in his life (which I already knew, he had clearly told me that he doesn't know what love is). No wonder for me, but that same day, I went to his workplace and told him that he was talking with me. He cried and pleaded, I eventually told him that we could have tried to continue, but nothing would have been the same. And it's still like that after 2 or 3 years. I suppose that could be part two of my life, sided by a great academic career.

In the meanwhile, my family life has got even worse. My mother started complaining and whining even more. I could not stand the situation, so when I started a second online job, I started to prepare my own food and I'd eat it alone in my room at random times. When she started rightly to complain that they were things she bought, I started to buy my own food and cook it only. Then she started to complain about my cooking my own food, and so I started to buy things that didn't require cooking. In sum, I started to spend my whole life in my room, going out only to go to the bathroom. No communication at all. So, after a vacation, I started to think about getting a house on my own. My finances were pretty good, and I'm not a person with great expectations. So I started looking for tiny houses in my town, because my boyfriend lives in my same town, so I didn't want to go downtown, in the city center.

I found it, a fantastic deal, where I could live on my own ( I have never thought about splitting it with my boyfriend, never. I think everyone needs a moment to live on your own before even thinking about anything else.). I almost paid the rent, when I decided to inform my parents. I felt God on Earth in that moment, when I sent a text to my father telling him that I got a studio where I could work and live. His reply was one of the worse and frightening things ever. I could not leave until I got married. Until I get married, I am his property. I was about to faint when I heard his voice. He would have not recognized me as his daughter if I dared. And what my father says is law for me because he scares me to death. So what would have been the beginning of a new life, became my endless jail. And it's been almost 2 years since then.

I live in my room. I work online as a second job. I go out for my first job just for a couple of hours. At first I ate sandwiches, now I realized that they have screwed up my metabolism, so I went down to cereal. All week long except for weekends. I hide them under my bed. I never go to the fridge. As far as concerns my boyfriend, he says I should leave. But he lives in a very caring family, so I do not blame him if he doesn't understand. I don’t tell him about my daily life because he only wants me to get out of there, and he blames me for not doing it, so it’s useless to talk to him.

I also thought of getting a tiny house in the city center where nobody knows me, and come back here only to sleep, but you can understand that it is not convenient to pay for a place where you can't even go to sleep. The relationship wth him has become quite flat. Since my father has told me that I will not be free unless married, I started to hate my boyfriend even more. Yes, I think it’s hate, I don’t know. I am not a good of exchange, we're in 2013. And I have always thought that I want to live sometime alone before living with anybody. I cannot consider him the key to get out of here. no way. I was not sure about my relationship before, and this got it even more confusing. The relationship with my boyfriend is not the kind of loving one. we both do not externalize feelings or emotions a lot ( if we have them). I'd say it's a rather detached relationship. At least he was clear at the beginning saying that he has never fallen in love. Maybe I should ask myself the same question. My heart has never gone crazy, and the feelings I have towards my body make sexuality a disaster on my side.

We used to talk about our everyday life a lot, as we do totally different things, but since I suggested him to 'wake up' on certain working issues, he got angry, and so I clearly told him that I would have never talked to him about work again, nor would I have gone to his workplace. So, our relationship is down to a formal meeting up once and a while, just to pretend that we're not together for sex. I spend my days in my room, working without wanting to- because if you don't have a future, why on Earth do I need money?- I wait for the weekend to go downtown and spend a different evening- and then I'm back to horrible Mondays again. It's a spiral of nonsense and solitude.

This is maybe the first time after the ending of my therapy that I sit down and analyse my life. I simply go on without thinking about it, because there's nothing to do. My current state and will is that I want to stay alone. I just spend my days numb. There is no hope at the moment, no future, and so not even the present has a sense.
elisablack83 elisablack83
31-35, F
1 Response Dec 13, 2013

I can understand your fear to your dad, im having same situation he tells me i have to stay with him till i marry but he doesnt let me marry love of my life..... So its not just not having freedoom but also not being with person i want to spend my life with, in my case i cant leave house coz he has my passport, y dont u run away? Leave town...... It seems like your only option, its obvious ur parents dont give a crap about you....