Being Admired.A very touchy (no pun intended) subject in the transgender community is how "male admirers" fit in, or don't. It's a true, "damned if you do, damned if you don't subject." If course a huge majority of trans women covet the attention from a man for any number of reasons. Some transgender women seek a male for companionship, or for validation or sexual needs.
Over the years though, the term "admirer" has been known in very negative terms. In my own life I can see why with my limited contacts with "admirers". Fair or not, the majority of my experiences were on line "back in the day" when I was seriously transitioning for the first time. As I have written in Cyrsti's Condo, I tried to give each gender an equal look. Before I did anything in the process, I had to get past the validation factor. Like any other cross dresser trying to "pass" over the years I fantasized about being on the arm of a man to further the process. As I transitioned though, I wondered about a guy accepting me for what I am and vice versa.
Turned out, that was difficult. I went on a couple main line paid dating sites which were tough to navigate because of their lack of any transgender groups at all. In other words, their sites were set up in strict gender binaries only. Men wanting women, women wanting women, men wanting men etc. After a while I would change groups every week ago, because I could. The results? Two one and done dates and numerous "no shows". So you guess I can I'm reasonably biased against admirers and that is wrong. Why? Being trans I should be the last to stereotype any other group, specifically admirers, as I read in this post from Salon called, "I'm attracted to Trans Women":
"The heteronormative world in which we live had successfully convinced me that being attracted to transgender women meant I had a fetish. I began questioning my sexuality and even my masculinity. I didn’t even know what to call my sexual orientation. Finally one day, after hours of searching, I came across two terms that described what I was feeling. Trans-attraction and trans-orientation.
Neither one is official or common, but their use is growing due to the increasing demand for a way to categorize people who are attracted to transgender people. When I saw these words, a feeling of relief washed over me: I was not alone. I don’t always describe myself as trans-attracted, but the label helped me feel like I had a place in the queer community and it helps others understand my sexuality."
The simple act of the matter is we probably are facing most of the same obstacles to relationships with men as genetic women. The sexual tension is always there but how do you build a relationship around it? Talk to most any single woman of any age at all and she will bemoan the lack of quality men in the dating pool.
The sad part about all of this admirer drama is we trans women do provide certain positives we can bring to a relationship. Which is another subject.
On the bright side Shelle, one of regular visitors here in Cyrsti's Condo, has a great success story I want to pass along. She found a male type person in the most unlikely of places. Because she didn't quit. Follow the link above for the story. I totally respect Shelle, because I can't tell you how many other trans girls I have interacted with who told me they had tried all the sites I was on with no luck and they quit them. Then they wondered why they were sitting at home by themselves - miserable.
One way or another, admirers represent a very unique dynamic in our community with their own set of gender/sexuality issues. Only they can decide if they want a transgender woman for more than a one night stand in a cheap motel. There I go with another stereotype, sorry!
cyrsti 61-65, T 2 Responses 1 Oct 24, 2013