Compulsive Liar Or Not, I Lie. A Lot.

I can't help them. They come out of my mouth before the thought has even finished formulating in my head.

I mainly lie about my past. I've lied to my boyfriend about how many previous relationships I've had, I've lied to my friends about some of the **** I've experienced in life, I've lied to my parents about circumstances just to be able to get what I want. I think at the end of the day I'm just being manipulative, yet I don't know why. I know I want people to see me as a cool girl who's experienced and seen a lot in her life and "wow isn't she amazing!" Superficially I know how ridiculous this sounds and how unrealistic a way it is to solve your problems, but when I lie and people give me that look of awe and amazement, I feel powerful in a very gentle sense - like I have something they can learn from. In my parents' case I sometimes just like to think that I have the upper hand in the family, with my boyfriend I indulge in the thought that I have experienced more that he might have.

 

Overall, I guess I just like to make myself out to be someone I'm not, the sort of person I wish I really was. And that's not saying a necessarily 'good and pure' person, I'm talking some kind of badass kid who's had issues in the past but has made it out safely. Don't ask me why, maybe it's because I feel like I lack attention (which I consciously know is definitely not the case!) maybe it's because my parents divorced when I was little and the only times I ever heard my mother talk about my father was to call him a "liar". Sometimes I feel like I owe it to him to 'uphold' this status? And sometimes I feel like I have no choice but to lie because he used to, and maybe it's genetic anyway.

 

The scary thought is, though, sometimes I create such huge lies, lies that I remember and lie engrained in my memory to use again later (or keep a story straight) that I actually end up forgetting the truth and question whether or not what I am saying actually happened or if I am merely remembering something that I have built up in my own mind. It's definitely scary to me. Although this does not happen often, only with a couple examples in my life, but I am afraid it might begin getting worse the more depth and the more evolved my lies become. I'm actually quite a good actress because of this and friends joke that they wouldn't be able to tell the truth from the acting, but what they don't know is that my 'acting' is really just LYING.

 

I know I need help. In fact, I'm scared. :s

Caprile Caprile
22-25
Feb 17, 2010