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A Confession..and A Story..

I find myself in this place, in the middle of nowhere on the World Wide Web..to spill out my thoughts for no one.

I read somewhere that talking helps when you are feeling stressed, depressed and so on. I am always told, was always told, it does..but does it? I talk, though rarely, I do! I can't talk about what I want to, I just fill the air with empty words and hope that no one notices just how empty they really are.

I am really throwing whoever is reading this into the fray with no context and no reason to continue on, for that, I apologize. I am not sure how to format this, I confess, I am not sure about a lot of things, I hope you don't hold it against me.

There really are so many that are just like me, I fear I will be lost in the pack.. Although this is pointless unless I actually put something here worthwhile and maybe being lost in the pack is not so bad after all.

I have been the "outsider" for all my life. Let's start there. In school, elementary to start, I really only had one or two friends and they have long since stopped returning my calls.

In college, much the same, except now I have none. I don't pity myself for this because I do not go out of my way to find people and I am quite abrasive, I suppose. Not the best with conversations, but then again, I never was. I want to be left alone with my books, yeah, I am "that person" in the corner with his nose in a book.

THIS is where the problem lies. His nose, his..his...HIS. I don't want that pronoun attached to me any longer, like a leech sucking me dry. Every time I hear it in reference to me, my eyes well up with tears. I have to be quick to hide them, no one can know why they are there except for you, dear anonymous people [ I truly do apologize for the dramatics, they are genuine, I assure you].

When I was younger and played "imagination," I always wanted to play the female, curious, because I don't find men or women attractive. I have lost the desire to be anything, do anything, love anyone. That leech has really done it this time and I fear I am almost out of blood to give.

To put it another way, I am that broken down car that nobody wants to fix up, it is too expensive and the necessary means are lacking. You may want to fix it but you can't. The pieces lay in a trail, scattered like debris and I fear that I will never be able to pick them back up and put them in their respectful places ever again.

I suppress my true emotions, my true self, and put on a smile just for you people on the streets, so you leave me alone, I don't want your help..

I am frustrated, I am angry, I am sad, though to call it depressed may be taking it too far. I guess to best describe it I could steal a metaphor from Petrarch, or was it Spenser.."I burn but am of ice," in effect.

I feel as if I am a prisoner in my own body, to be cliche. Not only a prisoner, but one on Death Row. It is only a matter of time before my sentence comes to fruition. There is no hope for parole, no bail has been set. I am lying, the bail would be, dare I say here, a surgery to free the prisoner. The prisoner cannot afford the price tag though, she is still a lowly student stuck without a steady job. I have changed the pronoun you see, because that is what it should be.

Let's take a step to the side for a moment and discuss my religious life, if that's ok..

I am Christian and I was told that God would talk to me, if I talk to him. I can't have a one way conversation God, sorry, you have to talk back. He doesn't want to, he just sits and stares and stares and watches. I beg him, I really do, to change me into who I should be. He shakes his head and "tuts", waggling his finger back and forth like a disapproving parent and tells me,"I can't do that silly girl, I mean, boy! I am perfect, to change you would mean I had made a mistake and I don't make mistakes. Go on and wallow in your misery, I'll be here for you to talk whenever you wish. Smile and wave goodbye to your dreams and your hopes like a good child."

My whole family is Christian and they tell me they'd accept me if I turned out to be a homosexual, but I'm not. I am ashamed of being the girl trapped inside. Changing to look like who I really am. That tiny glimmer has kept my blood pumping this long, right into that leech's gluttonous mouth. The glimmer, the spark, that tries so hard to ignite the fire that I know is there is alway snuffed by the heavy ashes that I sprinkle on it. I tell myself even if I were to be freed, everyone I know would look at me askew, as if there was something wrong with me. I would most certainly be happy, that much is true. My mother always said I was her little girl, even though I am a male..She was right. My grandparents always say and have said I look feminine, with my pointy features and large green eyes. That must have led to you into thinking of some kind of alien, didn't it?..Sorry for that.

So yes, here's the big reveal, the confession you came here for. To be blunt, I am "one of those." A she trapped in a he. A woman trapped in a man. There you have it. I abhor myself, I am ashamed of myself, I loathe every inch of this prison I am in.

I really hate to put you through this, whoever "you" are. I had to get it out of me, if but for a few moments. I haven't had peace in years, real peace, without the dread fear that the guards would come and throw me back in that awful prison. I have escaped for these brief moments..I hear them coming now and I will be shut away again..
SilenceEvermore SilenceEvermore 22-25 44 Responses Jun 27, 2012

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I want to reply to your story as a father who has a son in your age range. If my son were to come to me today and have the bravery to tell me that he was a woman trapped inside of a male body, I would have no trouble in mentally and emotionally transitioning into relating with her as my daughter. After telling her how much I love her, and how proud I am of her for her bravery in telling me and her strength in coping with a non-accepting world, I'd offer to help as much as I could if she wanted surgery. His mother would not be able to do the same, but then again, her inability to unconditionally love our children is one of the many reasons why she is my ex. On the topic of religion, speaking as an agnostic who used to be a Christian, if any god gives you **** about who you are, send him/her to me. Before I take a lightning bolt on your behalf, it will be my honor to extend my middle finger to a dipshit of a deity. :-)

I'm so sorry! *hugs* And your family cannot be true Christians...true Christians accept people for who they are even if they don't agree with what they do :(

It's ok now..I don't even know if I am going to do anything about it anyway.

I am moved by this. I can hear and feel your longing, your desperation to be the person you are on the inside. I know some people can't understand how you can feel this way, but I understand. I have wanted to be a boy multiple times in my life, but I don't know if I could actually go through with a surgery or anything. I like my body the way it is now, even though I would have liked to be born a guy. I hope you can get your surgery and show the person you are on the inside outside. Maybe we could talk sometime ? The best of luck to you!

I feel the same way, except the opposite gender haha. I don't know if I could ever go through with anything..and am conflicted mentally and emotionally there. I'll reply to any mail you send.

Same here. I am happy in my body now, but I wouldn't mind being in a boys body. I don't know if I could go through with anything either. I hope you do whatever makes you happy though, whether you become a beautiful lady or stay a handsome gentleman. Sometimes talking helps. I'll talk to you if you want, I like helping people.

Yeah..me either..and I'm a pretty private person when it comes to that kind of stuff, but thank you for the offer.

I understand.

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This is so well written that it makes me want to cry...it's almost as if I can hear your longing to be the person you have always wanted to be! I'm sorry that you seem unhappy...with time - I hope that passes through! :)

Thank you!

<3

How are you doing now?

Actually, worse :D

Oh no!!!!!! Well I will be honest with you. You were born male and feel female. Nope it's not a concept I understand. Most of us won't because we are not you. The difference is that I don't need to understand what you are going through to love you. So those people who no longer return your phone calls did you a favor because they are not good enough for you. Im sure there are things that you could turn your nose up to with them and dont.

Again I don't understand your specific issue, but I know what its to be you, but I know what it feels like to feel trapped. I wear extensions, push up bras and if I could get plastic surgery I would because I was meant to be that skinnier sexier fierce ***** and I won't be satisfied until I do. Why do I get the right to be who I want and you can't?

I say do what you want! We should embrace you regardless! I don't understand why you want to change anymore than you understanding why I want boobs, since I have some already. If we were friends, I would expect your love and support anyway, so I would offer you any less

While I was reading this... I'm sorry if this is inappropriate but all I could think of is "could I love someone like this? I mean... I'm straight but... they think of themself as a lady... how's that work?" So to put it bluntly... I like you. *hug*

o.o It is very confusing and annoying, and also maddening. In other words, it works as well as a rusty machine with all the gears spinning in different directions, but never the right one.

I have no doubt that it'd be antagonizing, and I wish for you to find peace with it soon. I just wonder how it works in the end... so tell me your life story when the last chapter is written. Deal? (^-^)

Hopefully I will have enough strength left in me to write it when it comes o.O

Your a good person. and good people always have the strength.

Thank you, wish I could believe that.

Well you darned cookie... you've gained a new friend. (^-^)

*lame, white person celebration dance*

*joins in* XD

illllll EQUINSU OCHA! ..... you just blinded my eyes and mind with your nasty whiteness. DX

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wow, I'm stunned. For some reason all this time I thought you're really a girl ...I mean I guess u are, since I believed that for so long,

I wanted so bad to comment on this, but I wanted it to be intelligent. I don't know what to say though. I find this quote fits your situation. I hope you like it."Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."-Joseph Campbell-

I like it! Needed that one myself...

That is a lovely quote :)

My ex was a post-op transperson...and I respect her still for that determination to be who she really is.
I'm glad my gender dysphoria is mild, TBH.
You're smart, you sound hardworking; therefore I expect you can pull SRS off.
Just start saving and build a sterling credit history.

About your family, ultimately it's your life. They will deal, or not.
If God gave you permission to change your gender, would you then go ahead and do it?
...Because it's not hurting anyone if you do change your gender, you know. It IS hurting someone-you-if you don't.

I am trying to save. I don't like using credit cards, so my credit history is pristine haha. I don't know if it really is my life, as my family is a deeply rooted part of me..they're pretty much all I have. I don't know who I'd rather hurt.

Pristine is not good...I have to have a car to get to work, right? and I had to ask my mom to cosign on it, because I have no credit history.
I don't like debt, or being beholden to mom either, but my car was regularly leaving me with no way to get to work, and I didn't want to be fired.
In retrospect, I wish I'd gotten a credit card, made small purchases (like groceries) with same, then immediately went home and transferred funds from my bank...and that I'd started doing it some time ago. That way I'd have a credit history.

Ah, thanks for bringing that up. I wouldn't have thought of it.

Off-topic and unsolicited, I know, but just for the record...Your credit goes up much more if you actually use a credit card-up to 3 of them, and pay it/them off monthly *in full*, or at least keep the balance under 30% of the credit limit.

If you have *very good* self-control, a great strategy is to write a check or otherwise prepay on a credit card the total amount of all the bills you have to pay for that month.

Send that amount plus any small fee for paying with a card to your credit card company before you use it, and charge all the bills to your credit card so that you've already paid it off before you even use it. Pick one w points like AmEx, and you can actually pay for a trip or some other thing(s) they offer. Cash back is nice. Overstock (I don't use the credit card, but got the club membership for $10, and it gives me free ship no matter how little I buy-I know, they're never over 2.95 anyway, but...then I get credit to buy stuff-5% of my purchase, so I get free stuff all the time. It's just an example.

Choose a card w 0% or low intro rates, no fees, whatever has the best options for you, then get after them when the intro fee changes, to keep it low. Of course, you're still using it to pay in full, so more importantly, get one with very low or no annual fee.

My friend did that, and saved enough points to fly himself and his girlfriend to Italy for two weeks. That's some smart card usage! Plus, his credit score was amazing.


With no card usage, you have *no* established credit.

💟💟💟
I hope you someday come to know that people who love you aren't hurt when you do what you really want to do, but instead are happy that you are achieving your dreams.

"Hurting" someone who doesn't mind watching you suffer, or would prefer you suffer, rather than make themselves uncomfortable by you doing something FOR YOURSELF, something that is really no one else's business but YOURS...can't really count as hurting them. Do you care if you fight back and a mugger falls and skins his knee?
Depriving them of the learning experience of how to truly love someone, and stand by them-that is truly hurting them.

Anyone who would try to prevent you from doing this, anyone who wouldn't jump at the chance to support you, to me is just the most evil, selfish, selfish, selfish person I can even think of. It's also extremely hypocritical. They're in the bodies they identify with; how could anyone remotely think you don't have that very, very basic human right? That just makes me crazy protective of you. How dare anyone try to deprive you of being the gender you are 100%?

OK, sorry for the rant, but I just can't imagine anyone who says they love you being so selfish as to not want this for you, or not be trying to help you make it happen. I don't even understand how they could be hurt by it. It isn't about THEM. It's about YOU, my dear. And I mean, dear human being who is suffering.

You in the body you sexually/gender identify with=you beginning to finally feel ok and happy and think of how to get on with your life. You beginning to feel ok and happy with who you are, and finally released from what feels like a trap to you=(should=)the people you know and love are happy, and excited to see your suffering changed into joy. I would personally be cheering for you. Pom-poms and all.

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Although we don't agree on a damn thing I think you're crazy awesome lady and have tremendous respect for you. Gender dysphoria sucks major *** and it's a testament to your character that you persevere. Social attitudes and understandings are slowly, slowly improving.

Oh, we can agree on some stuff. Just not politics :D. And thank you. It's odd, I don't even know if I want people to understand..or to accept what I feel.

Why is that? I mean, I -don't- understand. Why the **** should I? But I can sympathize and accept. Those seem like good things to do. I think...

Because- Why should it be, or why should I be, accepted?

I take a different stance - why not? What on earth do you harm? Rejection will cause pain and suffering, acceptance will cause none. It's an easy choice for me. Throughout human history and across cultures we've recognised that sex and gender don't match up 100% of the time. Dunno why, it just happens. Singling people out for it is cruel and doesn't improve anyone personally, or society as a whole in any way I know of.

Because things should not be accepted without good reason for acceptance.

You are a Human on Planet Earth. You have a basic right as a living being to seek and feel joy. You have a right to be in the correct body for you. I can tell you, if I felt I was in the wrong body...I would HAVE to fix that.

I can only imagine how unsettling it is to be in the wrong body. The closest thing I have that even gives me any idea, is that I have things that were foisted on me as a kid that I want out of me, out of my mind and soul, but they cannot be removed, well, not until I better master a few quantum physics techniques, and even then, idk how that will go;) Physical scars are there for good, I imagine. But every second of the day, I just want that crap GONE. I feel hijacked, and I didn't ask for any of it.

You are a suffering human being. We are One. Any human who suffers makes Us all hurt. We accept it bc loving humans are happy when you get what is correct for you.

Also, I'm still kinda feeling like you think you've done something wrong. Ultimately, there's nothing to *have to accept*. Do you see? Making a change to become who you are for you is correct.

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PS: I just feel that the GLBT AND Allies (like myself) community would be all over that, donating regularly to this essential surgery. We are usually the ones w the most money, too;)

While that would be amazing, and I would probably die of happiness.. I don't really like relying on others for things and would probably feel guilty about taking money from them.

Ya, it would make me very happy to participate in such an organization, and Nah, guilt is for when you've intentionally harmed someone for the sake of harming them, or from being reckless when you knew better-like drinking a fifth of whiskey and blasting down the road, mowing people over. Same goes for shame.

Don't ever steal, and take guilt or shame that doesn't belong to you. Unless you intentionally did something bad, and no-changing your gender is not bad, stabbing someone offensively (not defensively) or robbing a bank is bad, then guilt or shame just isn't yours to take. It would be stealing. OK, all clear?

Speaking of stealing, don't steal people's joy when they want to help you. If they want to help you, they do it for joy, and if you don't receive it with joy, you bum them out. If you beat yourself up for it, then they get sad. They genuinely want you to be happy. They do it to spread joy. So, when someone gives you something, just think how great it is that they saw something in you and chose you to share joy with them. It should be a happy thing. It's an invitation to receive a little love and joy-sharing. It takes awhile for people who aren't used to it to learn to be ok with it, but it's also what is correct. It's taking me a long time to learn, too, but it is the right thing to do.

It turns out all humans have to rely on others to get anything done. Even the most powerful people in the world, *especially them*, don't do jack for themselves. They pick up the phone and bark orders. I always see someone say "That's rich guy built this great grand house" The he** he did!! He probably didn't lift a finger.! A bunch of very skilled craftsmen and artistans built his house. They deserve the credit, not him. You see?

You are part of the family that is the human race. Many of us who are awake and know this, want all of our family members to be okay.

It took me a long time to learn to allow people to give, and to be okay with receiving anything. We were never given anything, and we certainly weren't allowed to receive anything from anybody.

People give for many reasons, but they wouldn't give if they didn't want to. What is often a small token of a gift from the giver, can be a huge gift to the receiver. One of the best lessons I learned in the whole universe is to shut up and say "yes, thank you". In fact, when I go to bed, I go down a whole mental list of everything that went right for the day, and say thank you to the walls, out loud. I don't know how it works, but when I do it, I always get something good and unexpected the next day without asking.

I feel that you still struggle with feeling like you deserve to be a human like everyone else, and that makes me sad.

You struggle with "deserving". There is no need for "deserving". You shouldn't have to deserve it. It should just be so, because it's correct, and that is all.

OK, another novel finished:) Try giving the Universe permission every morning to delight you, too, and see where that goes. Then say thank you at night. Crazy-cool stuff happens when you do.

While it's outside my scope of expertise, it seems there should be a website for people to pitch in on loans and/or donations to assist people who are seeking gender reassignment.

Kiva.org is a good model for such a site. They micro-loan money all over the world to people seeking small loans. People pitch in $25 each until there's enough money to make the loan. They do make loans in the US.

At any rate, a site like theirs, where people could choose to loan (or donate-I would add a donate feature) towards a gender reassignment, would be great site for someone with the knowledge and ability to build and run it. I know I would personally add $25 to that every month myself, possibly more when I could. I know others that would probably do it, too.

If you know anyone who has this ability, I would seriously look into doing this. It could be the next Kiva. Money management would have to be critical, and there would have to be a separate donation just for operating costs, versus the operation itself. People want to know that if they donate $25, every penny goes to the person who needs it, and then they're happy to donate a few dollars in addition towards the maintenance of the site and the project itself.

Be the one to lead the way?

I'm sad that it seems like it has to be a confession, because that would imply you've done something wrong. You haven't.

I personally think insurance could should cover gender reassignment, because anyone willing to go through it clearly needs it. It's absolutely essential.

I, too, would be clawing at my skin to get out and be what I thought I should be. I've also been shanghaied, by having things which I would never choose forced on me since birth, both physically and mentally, but not like this. I, too, would do anything to remove those things from me. Anything. But they are unfixable. I feel for you.

Until you can get the surgery, you are a sista to me, my girl!! If you came in the ladies room, that would be totally fine with me. In all aspects, you are a girl to me, when you are a girl to you. More people than you know don't see it as a bad thing. The only bad thing they see is you being denied the right to live very intimately the way you see fit. I wish for you the means for things to be made as you want them to be. XOXO

i cant imagine how hard it must be to be trapped in the wrong body.as we grow up & grow olderwe go through enough battles or tests....let alone this.its good to somewhere like ep to get things off your chest,that always helps a bit.stay at it,dont let it beat you

To write your emotions in such a powerful yet understated way, aware of the impact of the 'confession' but crafting language to avoid the slide into a Grecian wail, is remarkable, especially given your age. I predict a bright literary future, and keep my fingers crossed for a slice of light in your ongoing discomfort.

Thanks for the compliments! I believe that I used "I" too much in it, upon re-reading it..but eh..I too hope for a slice of light, though it seems far out of reach even now, more than a year after writing this. It has only worsened.

You put yourself down so much, but you don realize how special you are. Your words pour out smoothly..like a melody or something. I wish I could be like that, Its hard to express myself...or maybe I need to change something else...i dont know. I think no matter how you feel, you are a beautiful person. I really think talking does help. Trust me.I highly introverted and I found my fiance dead in my apt last month. talking to people, including God has helped me. Im sorry for all the pain that you endure, and I hope you start to eventually get better. You dont have to talk to me if you dont want to..i doubt you will. But if you want to shoot me a message today, next year, or whatever, Ill be there to listen to everything you have/need to say. Take care :)

My heart goes out to you. The immense pain you must be dealing with. The inner turmoil you must constantly go thru. I hope thru reaching out you find other people who are in the same situation that you can talk with. While I don't understand what it must be like to know you were born the wrong sex,I will be there and listen be a friend if I can. Am glad you have your faith still in God. He has not nor will he ever forsake you. Know others care and your never truly alone. God bless you.

since Written on June 27th, 2012...did you attend therapy to accept who you are either gender?

Nope. I am not good at opening up to people I don\'t know, or even people I do know..

a therapist is different, I was asking cuz it would surely help the gender battle and bring you to accept

I honestly couldn\'t trust any other human being with such discussions currently.

I like the currently in your phrase means not ready for that now is ok...step by step is safer :)

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You write very well, very maturely.

There are many people who feel the same. With youth and being so articulate you have a very good chance of connecting with someone who can help you

This is very well written, and when i was reading it a woman's voice is what i heard. I hope you can get over your pain, in time, and i wish you a more pleasant life from here on out! =)

Thank you for the well wishes. We shall see what the future holds, I suppose..

These are very powerful words and I could sort of understand of understand what you mean. Your beyond the binary system I think and the assumtions of what your role supposed to be isnt true to you and it hurts you deeply.

You cannot have silence forevermore. You must let these words pour out. You are trying. You are loved. Your worth is obvious. I knew of your anguish when i first met you. And your beauty does not escape me. Tortured soul.....I care about you always. Love you, silence. My words are inadequate, but all I have to give...Accept them...xxx

Wow, this is a very moving story. Thank you for sharing. Based on the fact that 2,046 people have read it at this point, and 100 people have commented, I don't think you need to be the least big apologetic about telling this story. It is a story we want to hear, and I think a story we need to hear. As I write this comment, it has been just short of a year now since you wrote this. Do you still feel the same way?

Yup.

So I have a similar issue myself, though it's not as persistent. So I had an idea. What if you just "pretended" to be a guy one in awhile. What I mean is, I get it that it doesn't feel right to be a man. But what if you took a period of time, say an hour or an afternoon, or even a whole day, and you just decided that you are going to pretend to be a woman who is "pretending" to be a man? I wonder if it might help you loathe yourself just a little less. Either way, I'm rooting for you. You're not alone.

The question I would like to ask is...If you were freed, what would your life be like? If you weren't enclosed, what would freedom be like? What would make you feel free?

I would probably be a bit happier and such..if not, I'm not sure..it wouldn't be awful on an exterior level..interior..it would probably be pretty painful. I think the only think that would make me feel free is what I mentioned above. I hate using the word free..sounds so cheesy..

I am very sorry for your pain.

some times we pay too much attention to wat others ve to say....u said ur mother used to call u her''little girl'' i think this has smthin to do with the way u are feeling ttoday..most of the ppl are normals..by normal i mean...they are exactly like the people,,,their society ,their family or frends want them to be...so naturally they are accepted into de family n their social circles with open arms...sm people,,on the other hand,, are not,as normal as others..they have their distinct personalities n their own views...they seem n souund to b different from the rest...they have to work hard to gain acceptence from the people who do not understand their different personalities..if you are not good at it...u re likely to be misunderstood by most of de ppl..n then you start doubting ur self...ur beliefs n start beliving wat others tell u ...
dont do dat to ur self..you are wat u want to be...god gave u this right n this power..no one can define you....no one can choose fr u ....unless you let them first..

Wow. I admire your honesty. Along with your perspective on Christianity and politics. Life is full of questions that have difficult answers-- some of which may be revealed in due time and some that may never be. I only hope that you find the peace and solace you need for you. That you find the answers you are looking for. As for me, I think you're pretty cool :-). Thanks for sharing.

I have been trying to with all my energy and have come up empty so far. Thank you for thinking I am cool ^_^

YEAH GURL!

Your story is eerily similar to my friend Ryan's ...an incredibly intelligent, sensitive soul...always reading, very abrasive..also a woman trapped in a man's body..he was a fantastic writer and his protagonists would always be just a female version of himself..He tried briefly to live as a female but couldn't handle the stress of it..he also came from a Christian household and knew his family would never truly accept him..he actually went in the other direction and became hyper masculine but everybody that met him saw right through it and could tell it was just a put on..he committed suicide last October..Your story honestly touches me deeply and I wish you all the best.

Sorry to hear about your friend, sincerely. I think about doing what he did a few times a day..but I'm lucky enough to have a family that is loving..as paradoxical as that must sound after reading my story. I hope I would be able to handle the stress of it.. :/. Thank your for the best wishes.

Yeah his family life was very bizarre...he was also mixed Caucasian and Korean which I don't think helped him with trying to find a place to fit in...I'm happy you have a loving family and I very much hope you find a way to be at peace..

Thank you ^_^..

Based upon this, do you feel that God made a "mistake" ? This is what I mean when I say I hate that organised religion sometimes makes people feel "less than".

I don't know what I feel.

I really don't understand. You support the same people who would deny you the right to draw breath.

Maybe I don't deserve to draw breath.

Respectfully, I believe you do. You are here (and you) because you're supposed to be.

Respectively, I don't believe in "supposed to be." I am here because I am here, there is no "supposed to be"..there just is.

Again, I'm confused. Are you a religious person, or aren't you ? Most of us have been taught something about a master plan or purpose...

I will give you the answer I give most people..I am a Christian some days..and nothing other days. I can't really explain it..

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Thanks for sharing this. You have a rare gift, being able to express yourself and convey emotion so well through your writing. I can only imagine how distress such as yours feels. You mentioned feeling as though you are a prisoner with no hope of parole; is there any chance your family will offer some support later on? I hope you are able to find a way forward so at least there will be some peace of mind knowing a light exists for you at the end of the tunnel.

I wouldn't want to foist such a thing on them...it would probably bring shame upon my entire family.

Your family may be more supportive than you think. The alternative to seeking their support is surely to remain in constant distress over your situation and that doesn't seem practical or realistic for you. There is no longer the shame there once was as society is so much more accepting. Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

I would rather deal with that, I'm a coward :P Thank you for the well wishes though.

hey.. i read ur story and .. all i wanna say i belive in the torah in god even though i am n't a jew i was raised up a christian , all i am trying to say here i read what u wrote speicaly the part u talked about god siting there and n't hearing ur cries for help let me tell u this alot of people have different desiers wich goes eathier aginest the laws of god or the laws of the states let's n't talk about he laws of god cause alot of people don't respect it anymore cause of the new world order we living in so on the other side let's talk about the state laws or the country laws , there are laws that perevent u from burning other people's houses or cars even though some people are sick with mental illniess called Pyromania they love to see things burn they just feel happy this way would the state leave em and say it's ok ur free to do so no why cause it's aginest the laws the state laws wich prevents u from destorying other people's cars or houses for ur own fun even if u find it nice and satisfy u , u can't do it god has anther laws wich might be more hard than the state ones .. all i am trying to say here that n't everything we want we should do that's my own personal opnion i know that we just feel like god don't care and he ain't living the same life that we are living and he living in his palce there and he doesn't care and he just like u said had made everything perfect and it's our falut i know the feeling but let me tell u those with a physical sickness are the same as the mental one and they both needs god he may take a while to answer but like he did with jacob after the death of his seven kids and losing all his money and lands and sickness was killing him alive god gave him everything back on this earth n't in haven here and he let him pass the test just cause he belived that god won't let him down and that god wasn't evil so god cured him.. may god be with u

I really try to believe that God is there for me, but he seems not to be whenever I need him most. I am not sure if what I desire goes against God's will. I have been thinking about this for awhile and, obviously, the bible never says anything about it because no such possibility existed back then as does now. The teachings of my faith are against homosexual activity, but I would never have séx with a man while I have my current body. I am mentally who I said I am in what you read, and if my body matches my mentality, then I don't see how it could ever be considered homosexual and such.

we are all lost one way or anther only few are those who know who they really are and i hope u find the answeres ur looking for and make ur mind one day best wishes and god bless

Thank you, I hope so too..

Unlike the rest of your readers, I am not going to try to tell you whether or not you should or shouldn't accept who you are, or if I do or do not accept who you are. I am going to, instead, comment on the writing itself.

It is such a pleasure to come across a true writer. You are probably the best I have read, here on EP. I plan to come back for more.

(my apologies to all the other very good writers; this doesn't mean you are not good, this is just MY personal opinion)

Thank you very much, that compliment means a lot to me :D

You're welcome. It was my pleasure...well, sorry...your pain should not be my pleasure. I guess I meant that the compliment was sincerely meant. I like your writing, and I do want to read more. Right now, there is work to be done. I'll be back later.

Thanks again :D

After reading all of these other comments. All I have to say is to accept who you are, be comfortable in your own skin and believe you have what it takes to provide yourself with happiness and peace that no one else can. I can read the alter ego (mind the Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde reference lol) clearly through every word. I think she wants out sometime, not sure how this will make sense but perhaps you should let her free in small intervals. What does it feel like to have this second embodiment dwell within your soul? As for your uncertainty in what you want to do, what hobbies do you have? You're a writer from what I seen before in your profile, do you have a passion for it? You could be an author of a book called "The Second Me" lol a dark fantasy ba<x>sed on a young man who conflicts with his inner calling. Could be a great way to express the life you wish to live since you can narrate your story, in any fashion.

I let it out when I play RPGs (offline, obviously), cause I'm a loser like that. It makes me feel horrible, honestly, to feel this way. I have a passion for writing but not novel writing :P

Lol you play RPGs in real life? I used to do that haha. Good times. No it's freedom of expression and apart from the norms. =/ Why should it feel horrible? It's what you are well want to be anyway...embrace it you have that entity in you for a reason I believe.

Well, games like Skyrim and stuff, yeah. They ares my departure, my safe haven where I can just be without worrying about what it is I am. I can't embrace it, there's something that feels..wrong about it..and that repulses me. It's like a stain that I can't wash away and it's only growing bigger the more I scrub.

Video games are my escape too, along with EP. I think it's because your male half rejects the feminism and believes it to be a pathogen of some wicked evil, guess it's only natural for your stronger half to dominate the recessive ego. Otherwise it's obviously ripping you to shreds day by day considering it's like a toxin the longer you contain it, the more havoc it wreaks upon your mentality. Must be awful...have you ever considered a good therapist?

I don't open up to people, especially those looking to probe into my thoughts. I hate being analyzed.

I know I have a hard time doing so myself, cannot let people in. Just not my preference. Would you feel at ease if you had someone willing to listen to all of your problems and give you helpful feedback? Not everyone's flickering their dissection scalpel to cut you, some want to stitch you back together...and see you well.

Nope, I wouldn't feel at ease with that either. I would feel like I am complaining and/or whining, as if I am a burden.

Nope it wouldn't be like that at all, you'd be surprised at who wouldn't give a damn about themselves just so they could be your pillar to lean on, people like that exist, just have to experiment and see who would allow you the leisure. You are allowed to vent and confide in someone, it's not a crime...what about your mother? Have you talked to her thoroughly about this?

Not at all. Don't want to. I'm a coward like that :P

Haha give it a try one day, even if it's only a sliver. Every step forward counts, so considering your "insecurity" how do you survive through life like that? It has to be painful.

I don't really survive, kind of just sit back, watch and try not to think about it. Every time I do I feel like my heart is going to explode. You don't have to keep responding you know, it's ok if you're like, "Kay thnx for that misery session, see ya" :P

You could've done the same thing Evermore! I enjoyed this chat session though, I've been feeling down lately so it boosted my spirits again, hope you find some peace in life you deserve it :)

Thank you as well, hope you stay happy.

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I thought about your post and I decided to share a blog from my blogs with you instead to re-write every idea I knew I had previously written. But understand I too was not very different from you. I made the tough choices and live my dream which now is not a dream but a life. I hope you understand that you are young enough to make a good transition today but your clock tics. My pappa was not supportive and now he's dead for many years. My mamma, although not at first supportive, is now my best friend. You can do this if you choose to. Know that it will not dissapear in time. This is you. Look at me and I am your mirror. If you later have questions, chat with me. <br />
<br />
The Marrow of Life<br />
<br />
Whether in the 1800s or 2000s, the path to getting the marrow out of life (sucking the marrow from life - Thoreau) and living on your own terms is paved with challenges, including dealing with those who do not understand the concept. Robert Louis Stevenson called Thoreau’s journey “viaggio” into the woods “unmanly” and something he “tended with womanish solicitude.” John Greenleaf Whittier wrote that Thoreau would have man “lower himself to the level of a woodchuck on walk on four legs.”<br />
<br />
I think it is safe to say they did not get it.<br />
<br />
George Eliot did though:<br />
<br />
“People—very wise in their own eyes—who would have every man’s life ordered according to a particular pattern, and who are intolerant of every existence the utility of which is not palpable to them, may pooh-pooh Mr. Thoreau and this episode in his history, as unpractical and dreamy.”<br />
<br />
Quite a woman, that George Eliot (real name Mary Ann Evans), and it is amazing how wise her words still are, as many of us who have chosen a life path different from the norm can appreciate.<br />
<br />
In some private communications, some have called this “the untold side of the expatriate story.” When we carve paths “percorsi” for ourselves that are independent, open, and outside of conventional boundaries, even if it’s without leaving one’s home country but it seems especially then, we run the very real risk of losing people along the way.<br />
<br />
I wish I could tell you that when you take your life into your own hands and create your new path, all of your loved ones will be overjoyed for you. That they will excitedly continue loving and supporting you, so very proud that you not only know what you want but are also working your *** off to get there — learning, growing, and confronting challenges “sfide” you had no idea existed. That no matter what you do in life or where you go, you will always be able to lean on the support network you thought was solid. But alas I cannot offer this to you.<br />
<br />
Some of your loved ones not only will not get it, they will not even care to try.<br />
<br />
Now let us be very clear. It is completely “completamente” understandable that your mamma may not *immediately* get why you are planning on a year in an ashram in India, or that your childhood best friend cannot wrap her head around your career change from investment banking for teaching or that your dear beloved papa cannot accept that you suddenly want to change your sex when you were successful as a man. You cannot make enormous life changes and expect that everyone you know will understand your choices and motivations from the moment you reveal your master plan — or even your next step.<br />
<br />
But if you are lucky, you will have some people around you who care enough to try to understand.<br />
<br />
Through that experience, some in your inner circle will prove to be your lifelong connections; they will do so by hanging in there with you. They will talk to you about your life, your goals, your dreams, your decisions, your actions, and try to understand where you are coming from — and you will reciprocate and keep up the relationship you have always known, only enriched “arricchito” by new experiences and a deeper level of understanding.<br />
<br />
They will travel across the city, country, or the world to visit you if you have physically moved, send you silly e-cards and motivational quotes “virgolette” when you are having a bad day, or simply make sure you know about what is happening in their daily lives, ask you about yours, and otherwise remain involved and engaged in your special relationship.<br />
<br />
They know that the lines of communication run two ways, and they will keep their end open so you know they love and support you, no matter what.<br />
<br />
I am very lucky. My papa was blindsided by the whole “become a woman” thing many years ago, and it was very difficult for me and sometimes still is, but my dear mamma who recognized early my special personality chose to support me anyway despite her wishing “che desiderano” I would forget about the whole thing and be normal. Neither of them would have chosen to have their son become their daughter and live as I have lived, but eventually my mamma did accept that this is what I have decided is best for me — and she understands that it has nothing to do with her parenting “genitorialita” and everything to do with me moving toward me. In other words, she is happy that I am happy.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, there will probably be another type of person in your current sphere — the kind who absolutely refuses to try to understand your life as you envision it, or perhaps as you are already living it.<br />
<br />
These are people with closed minds and strict ideas not only of their own lives but also of yours and everyone else’s, or as Eliot wrote much more poetically, “intolerant of every existence the utility of which is not palpable to them.” They cannot fit you comfortably “comfortably” into a proverbial box, which means you threaten everything they think they know as absolute, no?<br />
<br />
You thought these people loved you unconditionally, but, as it turns out, they only support you when you live on their terms, according to their plans “piani” and expectations. They may or may not confront you about the mistakes they think you are making, but regardless they cannot help but judge your decisions and withhold love and support ba<x>sed on those judgments, whether they are ba<x>sed in fact or assumption (usually assumption since they do not know enough about your life on which to ba<x>se a valid opinion anyway).<br />
<br />
Others have written about the monstrous benefits of changing your life, and I actually think this is one of them — learning who really has your back and who will only be there for you when it is convenient or comfortable for them. I call these types of people conditional lovers. And I also call bullshit “stronzate”.<br />
<br />
 <br />
<br />
Unconditionally is the only true way to love.<br />
<br />
People who offer conditional love can suck the energy, inspiration, and dreams right the hell out of you if you let them, no? So do not let them.<br />
<br />
When it becomes painfully obvious that in certain places all you will find is a wall of judgment, condescension, and conditional “condizionale” love, it is tough. When you have tried for days, weeks, months, or even years to keep a relationship going, but you get nothing but criticism and judgment in return, it can tear your heart out, stomp on it, and throw it down a canal.<br />
<br />
If you are living a good life, though, you will feel that deep inside, and you will realize that if someone else is judging or criticizing you, it is not about you. It is about them. It is about their own insecurities and failures “fallimenti” and unhappiness, and if they do not want to try to understand you and your life, that is their loss — and so *not* your problem.<br />
<br />
At that point, it is time to go retrieve your heart, glue up the cracks as best you can, and move on, no?<br />
<br />
How you react to the actions of others is always your choice, and you can either allow conditional lovers to suck up your time and energy, letting their snide comments, judgments, and lack of a desire to understand break your heart over and over again, or you can follow Thoreau and continue to suck the marrow out of life on your own terms, live-deliberately “vivere-deliberatamente”, be mindful of each and every precious moment, and cherish the wonderful people around you who *do* love and support you unconditionally.

Thank you for the read. I am not sure how to explain my hesitations currently, other than that I feel sick thinking that those people who have kept me here may not accept..me. As grotesquely cliche as that sounds.

They may not love. But a good chance exists otherwise too. Perhaps a conversation with your mamma will open her heart and your eyes? Perhaps you leave evidence which will want her inquiry so you can await the question? If she comes to you, she will not be surprised at the answer and be more accepting of the outcome. Some time a conversation will occur. Now, later, I hope on your terms. You will survive it. I promise. They will survive too. Your choices are live unhappy to help others be comfortable with your unhappiness or live happy and pray they can cope with your happiness. In time, everyone can be happy. Not perfect perhaps, but happy. I pray for you love.

Have already left an 11 page long..thing..on my book shelf. She hasn't noticed it yet..

Maybe more conspicuous and recklace. A book about Transsessualism with personal notes and expressions of your pain with coping. Let her into your painful world.

Trust me...she'll know if she reads those pages. I don't want a book to tell her, I want her to read my words I wrote to her.

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Wow-well here go the boundaries. I am the soul of an artist and writer trapped in the prefession of a Lawyer. I resent it daily and always hoped to alter my circumstances. But that ship has sailed. About you, you're 18. Just go. Just pack your **** and pick the community you want to live in--a NY Hostel or San Francisco shared apartment-- or a shorter view-Fire Island, Long Island. Live with people who share your vision. I'm done-I'm 50. You can go make as many starts over as it takes to learn to love yourself and find role models who have gone through much of what you have. You are 18-no excuses--Just do it

Actually 21 now. I really don't want to leave my family, which is the primary problem..

then it doesn't have to be permanent-maybe a few months in an artists colony or the like. Think of it as going away to college. My girls are away 4 months at a time. more confident and mor in touch with their wants each visit. An immersion outside of yourself can be more valuable than college. Change the view-you are smart-you'll suck the marrow out of it

Maybe just go live in the wilds fora few months :P. College sucks. I really, really, don't want to leave my family behind though. They're the ones who have kept me here for this long.

it's gotta feel right-but do some research

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There have been many comments here all saying pretty much the same thing. It is confusing this mind and body mismatch, though I don't really understand where the shame in being such is. Living the lie is hell on earth. Gender is what is between the ears - anatomy doesn't come into the equation.Until you decide enough is enough, then speak out. As the ex<x>pression goes, " I can lead a horse to water but I can't make him drink." ...your decision and only your decision can decide whether your future will be happy or filled with pain. Trust me - I have been there.

be who u want to be ... think and start to live ur life the way u want :) it will help trsut me .. try it .. live life the way u want .. dont hold or supress anymore let it out.. be who u r .. dont be ashamed.. its not ur fault.. u cannt control who u r .. so just let it be.. let the nature do its job., be who u r and who u want to without worrying abt anyone

Not sure I can..

come on u can .. all of us who have commented here belive in u ... we reallly do.. we know u can

Thank you, I really don't have much faith in myself though, not going to put you on that merry go round :P

hehe but if u need any help then always remember ur frens are here and they have faith on u thats all ok :)

Thank you very much.

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Silence,<br />
<br />
We, that is all of us are more than one duality..... it is so by the grand design. In body, we have, from the very start both male and female parts and thus are a duality of selves. Over our own history we have role played the part we now call male or female.. and that in itself is a memory deep within us all.<br />
<br />
We are today lost in a flood of what a woman should be.. what she needs to look like and behave... there is little truth in this. Many can only give in to what the public view is said to be and live a life that can only be unfulfilled.<br />
<br />
But life is for the experiences that come unannounced.. just waiting for us to take hold of them. You are what you are and that is the first and foremost of what needs to be found.. How else can the true self express what is so deep within...???<br />
<br />
Unique is what you see.. it will always be so.... beyond all else unique.. the only one that will ever be is what you are... Grab hold of is before you... it is your life...<br />
<br />
....................................................... Lou

Thank you for the encouraging words..I despise my self image though, currently, I would be much more comfortable in..who I want to be. I know your body does not define you, but it would help greatly.

Lou. You have great wisdom contained within your words!

sounds a lot like my story, but years and years gone past. It does catch up with you if you are gender dysphoric, I am not in transition no longer denying what I should have listed to so many years ago. The best of hope and success in your journey.

Thank you.

you my friend are far from being alone. many of my very close friends have posted here, we are all in transition when you become honest with yourself, then to those around you.

I try, not sure If I can ever accept it..I won't waste your time explaining how it feels, as I am sure you know, nothing is special about my case.

we are all special and please do not let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Each one of us are here for a purpose, mine was to bring 7 children into this world and have them become fine upstanding adults. With this completed now it is my turn to take care of me which I am doing. I am writing a book about being Trans M&gt;F, your perspective is very important as are other teen Trans individuals. You are scared, and feeling like you have somehow let yourself and the loved ones around you down. The people around you really love you, the person, not the clothes. Don't cut them short they are much stronger then you give them credit for. Even if you do not transition, at least consider finding a gender therapist who can help you get on hormone blockers until you really can decide with your family's help.

When I told my mom about me being trans, her response was "I have been waiting this call for years, I am glad you finally were honest with yourself."

Religion messed me up along the way and diverted me in ways that made it very difficult to be honest with myself. Family expectations as a first born son to my parents added to my confusion and denial. I would certainly not change how my life is, I am the person I am because of the life path I had to take to get here today. If you have issues or hesitation contacting a gender therapist, I can give you the number of mine. She is the best, and has several younger individuals she is caring for via phone for sessions and resolution. Just let me know, I live in the Boston area and it he very rich here in resources for adolecesent Transgender individuals. These are not just words, if you ask I will help you as many here will to get you real help not just words written here.

Alasandra

Thank you for your offer, I think I will have to work it out on my own, I am also not a teen anymore :D. My parents likely wouldn't understand, my grandparents even less. They are my life, I would have killed myself by now if not for them. You must hear a lot of young people say that though, so it is rather meaningless to say, in retrospect, but it is true. Good luck with your book. Sorry for the short responses, I am at work and don't have much time to type out full length replies, please don't feel as if I am simply brushing off your entire response. I d

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Sweetie we all live in fear we fight the beast and carry the burden until it becomes unbearable. You will find freedom and contentment when you accept. Its a hard bridge to cross and the toll is high.

I hope I do find contentment if/when I accept.

No love, what you experience is normal for all of us TG souls. We are all afraid. We all begin this journey in fear. It is a life unknown. The girl who thinks she can not compare in cheer leading is afraid, no? The man elected to Parliment who has no experience is afraid, no? The boy, bold appearing and powerful is afraid of appearing ignorant, no? We all walk proud on some streets, in fear on some streets. It is the way of all humans. We can never have all things. But we learn, we grow, we experience and we conquer the fears as they enter our sight. <br />
Your life is not about confessions and seeking forgiveness for being different. It is about the celebrations of difference. It is your life. We all share what troubles your heart. Your parents share this with you. They also overcame many fears. When/if you choose to share (not confess) your feelings with a parent...they instantly percieve the troubles and fears you possess. They know these things intimately as all adults know but they can feel it in you because you are their child. Is different, no? <br />
As for counceling, I too recommend this for you. You ride a fence of confusion that only a few ever ride. Professional guidence will open the world to you in ways you can not now percieve. Instead of a parent suggesting this, I recommend you seek this for yourself. A person who specializes in gender variance. You need a person to help you understand who you are. Then worry about explaining when you know yourself. <br />
I love you as a sister to you. I feel everything you say. I only wish for you a happy life. Ok?

Nobody should be ashamed of what they are just because they are born that way. <br />
I appreciate you don't want to lose your family but you should also consider the possibility that maybe their assumptions and beliefs might be a little bit wrong. <br />
I hope you can sort this out for yourself and start to believe in your worth as a human, but I think you should seek counselling from a neutral person. much love to you

Thanks for the support.

I'm honestly trying to work out the options in my head, it's what I do..They have dwindled to just three, at an alarming pace.

I ruled out speaking to someone else, as I don't believe I would be able to do it.

I am not sure how to reconcile my family and the "this" as I have come to call it..I really just don't want to be a bother to them but at the same time I want them to know how I feel.

The thought of telling them at first seems good, then the butterflies come, then the feeling of nausea, then the feeling of despair.

I am not sure what to do..but thank you for your suggestion.

Your situation is not that unique, just look around here at EP. A professional counsellor will have seen people like you before and will not be judgemental. Why rule out speaking to a neutral person, you need at least to admit your inclinations and nature to yourself, once you have done that you should be able to admit them to a third person (not somebody connected to a church organization by the way).
Have you ever thought the sort of "Christians" you grew up with might have misinterpreted what Jesus said?

Anyway. I see you are not yet 21. These sort of things always seem dramatic when you are young. Do some exploring, start reading up about other people who have cross gender feelings. Look up Lynne Conway and explore her website. If your friends are not returning your calls, perhaps they're not such good friends anyway. Trans feelings are really not that uncommon, certainly far more common than the medics would have us believe.
Don't get trapped into trying to live like a man, take your stand now and assert yourself as you. It will spare you many years of heartbreak and regret if you act now to be you who know you are.
Really you must seek counselling!

How sad of you to allow others to convince you that you should feel shameful. You are beautiful, I am beautiful, they are beautiful. You are just as God made you. Perfect and perfectly different. If you are uncomfortable with your own gender variance, it is because you choose to accept the ignorant perceptions of a fearful and simple judge. <br />
What shameful thoughts does this judge feel against those born of disease or affliction? Would he also question the logic of God for the simple minds of some? Each of us who are born of this variance is given a choice to accept, embrace, deny, shield, change, or even acuse or demoralize others who are our equals. Choice is the rule. But your choice will not change me, cannot change you, does not change the world. It can only move you to accept the brain you were provided and alter or not alter the body you hate to match the body perception you possess. <br />
If you so hate this family for judging you, move here. I help you grow into your mind and body. Others will help too. But a new place absent of your judges is maybe important, no? Find a job in a far away city, maybe a new country, begin living as you choose to live, take your time, seek professional and friendly councel, find what is right for YOU, and eliminate the things that most disturb you and add stress to your life. <br />
If you fail yourself, do not continue to blame others. Blame is important. It begins with another but rests with us. I give you some sound Italiano advice..."meglio un giorno da leone che cento da pecora." better one day as a lion than a hundred as a sheep. <br />
If you have no friend, do not blame me, love, I am a friend of many, I can be for you too. But you require the love of you and only seek the love others.

I'm not blaming anyone for how I feel. I blame myself.

I am not calling my family judges, they mean a lot to me and I would be lost without them. They just wouldn't understand and I don't want them to try.

I am ashamed of myself.

Do not be ashamed my love. You did not choose this life. God chose this life for you and he is permitting you to decide how to live it. You move ahead with the dignity of acceptance. You are not required to live in a dress, only you can decide what is best way to live. But you can accept that this is you, no? And you can learn to appreciate the man and the woman within, no?
I present as a woman but I accept certain things about my body that are male. I hate certain parts but I accept that it is me and I learn to love the whole person i am. If I decide to change it, I change it, no?

You can not expect this family to accept what you yourself cannot accept. Maybe you give your self a break, give them a chance, and begin the slow process of honesty. Maybe you just move and shield them from the truth. Maybe you continue to deny. These choices belong to you only. But do not be ashamed. Do not be afraid. Just be committed to the choice you make and committed to know the person living within.

I really can't accept it..which is what is causing all of the above.

I know what I want to do, I can't do it though.

I pray for you love. It is ok to be religious and TG at same time. All Christians and other followers of God are with sin. If you believe you are sinning, then you simply join a very full club, no?

Ha, I don't believe I am sinning.

The problem really lies with me and my insecurity with it all.

I mean, imagine being a guy and having to tell your parents and family, " Hey, uhm...I am actually a woman in a man's body..I..hope..that's..ok?"

I am scared, I can't shake it. Scared that they'll just brush it off and try and send me to therapy instead of helping me go through the process to correct it. Scared of their reaction, any and all possible reactions but the one I really hope for, to be honest.

I am a coward, really, I can't face my fears head on because I'm not ready to deal with the consequences that may arise as a result.

It isn't normal to feel this way, I know, I feel like an abomination of nature. Like one of those 2 headed turtles. They would die in the wild, just like me.

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