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A Confession..and A Story..

I find myself in this place, in the middle of nowhere on the World Wide Web..to spill out my thoughts for no one.

I read somewhere that talking helps when you are feeling stressed, depressed and so on. I am always told, was always told, it does..but does it? I talk, though rarely, I do! I can't talk about what I want to, I just fill the air with empty words and hope that no one notices just how empty they really are.

I am really throwing whoever is reading this into the fray with no context and no reason to continue on, for that, I apologize. I am not sure how to format this, I confess, I am not sure about a lot of things, I hope you don't hold it against me.

There really are so many that are just like me, I fear I will be lost in the pack.. Although this is pointless unless I actually put something here worthwhile and maybe being lost in the pack is not so bad after all.

I have been the "outsider" for all my life. Let's start there. In school, elementary to start, I really only had one or two friends and they have long since stopped returning my calls.

In college, much the same, except now I have none. I don't pity myself for this because I do not go out of my way to find people and I am quite abrasive, I suppose. Not the best with conversations, but then again, I never was. I want to be left alone with my books, yeah, I am "that person" in the corner with his nose in a book.

THIS is where the problem lies. His nose, his..his...HIS. I don't want that pronoun attached to me any longer, like a leech sucking me dry. Every time I hear it in reference to me, my eyes well up with tears. I have to be quick to hide them, no one can know why they are there except for you, dear anonymous people [ I truly do apologize for the dramatics, they are genuine, I assure you].

When I was younger and played "imagination," I always wanted to play the female, curious, because I don't find men or women attractive. I have lost the desire to be anything, do anything, love anyone. That leech has really done it this time and I fear I am almost out of blood to give.

To put it another way, I am that broken down car that nobody wants to fix up, it is too expensive and the necessary means are lacking. You may want to fix it but you can't. The pieces lay in a trail, scattered like debris and I fear that I will never be able to pick them back up and put them in their respectful places ever again.

I suppress my true emotions, my true self, and put on a smile just for you people on the streets, so you leave me alone, I don't want your help..

I am frustrated, I am angry, I am sad, though to call it depressed may be taking it too far. I guess to best describe it I could steal a metaphor from Petrarch, or was it Spenser.."I burn but am of ice," in effect.

I feel as if I am a prisoner in my own body, to be cliche. Not only a prisoner, but one on Death Row. It is only a matter of time before my sentence comes to fruition. There is no hope for parole, no bail has been set. I am lying, the bail would be, dare I say here, a surgery to free the prisoner. The prisoner cannot afford the price tag though, she is still a lowly student stuck without a steady job. I have changed the pronoun you see, because that is what it should be.

Let's take a step to the side for a moment and discuss my religious life, if that's ok..

I am Christian and I was told that God would talk to me, if I talk to him. I can't have a one way conversation God, sorry, you have to talk back. He doesn't want to, he just sits and stares and stares and watches. I beg him, I really do, to change me into who I should be. He shakes his head and "tuts", waggling his finger back and forth like a disapproving parent and tells me,"I can't do that silly girl, I mean, boy! I am perfect, to change you would mean I had made a mistake and I don't make mistakes. Go on and wallow in your misery, I'll be here for you to talk whenever you wish. Smile and wave goodbye to your dreams and your hopes like a good child."

My whole family is Christian and they tell me they'd accept me if I turned out to be a homosexual, but I'm not. I am ashamed of being the girl trapped inside. Changing to look like who I really am. That tiny glimmer has kept my blood pumping this long, right into that leech's gluttonous mouth. The glimmer, the spark, that tries so hard to ignite the fire that I know is there is alway snuffed by the heavy ashes that I sprinkle on it. I tell myself even if I were to be freed, everyone I know would look at me askew, as if there was something wrong with me. I would most certainly be happy, that much is true. My mother always said I was her little girl, even though I am a male..She was right. My grandparents always say and have said I look feminine, with my pointy features and large green eyes. That must have led to you into thinking of some kind of alien, didn't it?..Sorry for that.

So yes, here's the big reveal, the confession you came here for. To be blunt, I am "one of those." A she trapped in a he. A woman trapped in a man. There you have it. I abhor myself, I am ashamed of myself, I loathe every inch of this prison I am in.

I really hate to put you through this, whoever "you" are. I had to get it out of me, if but for a few moments. I haven't had peace in years, real peace, without the dread fear that the guards would come and throw me back in that awful prison. I have escaped for these brief moments..I hear them coming now and I will be shut away again..
SilenceEvermore SilenceEvermore 22-25 45 Responses Jun 27, 2012

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I'm so sorry! *hugs* And your family cannot be true Christians...true Christians accept people for who they are even if they don't agree with what they do :(

It's ok now..I don't even know if I am going to do anything about it anyway.

I am moved by this. I can hear and feel your longing, your desperation to be the person you are on the inside. I know some people can't understand how you can feel this way, but I understand. I have wanted to be a boy multiple times in my life, but I don't know if I could actually go through with a surgery or anything. I like my body the way it is now, even though I would have liked to be born a guy. I hope you can get your surgery and show the person you are on the inside outside. Maybe we could talk sometime ? The best of luck to you!

I feel the same way, except the opposite gender haha. I don't know if I could ever go through with anything..and am conflicted mentally and emotionally there. I'll reply to any mail you send.

Same here. I am happy in my body now, but I wouldn't mind being in a boys body. I don't know if I could go through with anything either. I hope you do whatever makes you happy though, whether you become a beautiful lady or stay a handsome gentleman. Sometimes talking helps. I'll talk to you if you want, I like helping people.

Yeah..me either..and I'm a pretty private person when it comes to that kind of stuff, but thank you for the offer.

I understand.

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This is so well written that it makes me want to cry...it's almost as if I can hear your longing to be the person you have always wanted to be! I'm sorry that you seem unhappy...with time - I hope that passes through! :)

Thank you!

<3

How are you doing now?

Actually, worse :D

Oh no!!!!!! Well I will be honest with you. You were born male and feel female. Nope it's not a concept I understand. Most of us won't because we are not you. The difference is that I don't need to understand what you are going through to love you. So those people who no longer return your phone calls did you a favor because they are not good enough for you. Im sure there are things that you could turn your nose up to with them and dont.

Again I don't understand your specific issue, but I know what its to be you, but I know what it feels like to feel trapped. I wear extensions, push up bras and if I could get plastic surgery I would because I was meant to be that skinnier sexier fierce ***** and I won't be satisfied until I do. Why do I get the right to be who I want and you can't?

I say do what you want! We should embrace you regardless! I don't understand why you want to change anymore than you understanding why I want boobs, since I have some already. If we were friends, I would expect your love and support anyway, so I would offer you any less

While I was reading this... I'm sorry if this is inappropriate but all I could think of is "could I love someone like this? I mean... I'm straight but... they think of themself as a lady... how's that work?" So to put it bluntly... I like you. *hug*

o.o It is very confusing and annoying, and also maddening. In other words, it works as well as a rusty machine with all the gears spinning in different directions, but never the right one.

I have no doubt that it'd be antagonizing, and I wish for you to find peace with it soon. I just wonder how it works in the end... so tell me your life story when the last chapter is written. Deal? (^-^)

Hopefully I will have enough strength left in me to write it when it comes o.O

Your a good person. and good people always have the strength.

Thank you, wish I could believe that.

Well you darned cookie... you've gained a new friend. (^-^)

*lame, white person celebration dance*

*joins in* XD

illllll EQUINSU OCHA! ..... you just blinded my eyes and mind with your nasty whiteness. DX

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wow, I'm stunned. For some reason all this time I thought you're really a girl ...I mean I guess u are, since I believed that for so long,

I wanted so bad to comment on this, but I wanted it to be intelligent. I don't know what to say though. I find this quote fits your situation. I hope you like it."Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."-Joseph Campbell-

I like it! Needed that one myself...

That is a lovely quote :)

My ex was a post-op transperson...and I respect her still for that determination to be who she really is.
I'm glad my gender dysphoria is mild, TBH.
You're smart, you sound hardworking; therefore I expect you can pull SRS off.
Just start saving and build a sterling credit history.

About your family, ultimately it's your life. They will deal, or not.
If God gave you permission to change your gender, would you then go ahead and do it?
...Because it's not hurting anyone if you do change your gender, you know. It IS hurting someone-you-if you don't.

I am trying to save. I don't like using credit cards, so my credit history is pristine haha. I don't know if it really is my life, as my family is a deeply rooted part of me..they're pretty much all I have. I don't know who I'd rather hurt.

Pristine is not good...I have to have a car to get to work, right? and I had to ask my mom to cosign on it, because I have no credit history.
I don't like debt, or being beholden to mom either, but my car was regularly leaving me with no way to get to work, and I didn't want to be fired.
In retrospect, I wish I'd gotten a credit card, made small purchases (like groceries) with same, then immediately went home and transferred funds from my bank...and that I'd started doing it some time ago. That way I'd have a credit history.

Ah, thanks for bringing that up. I wouldn't have thought of it.

Off-topic and unsolicited, I know, but just for the record...Your credit goes up much more if you actually use a credit card-up to 3 of them, and pay it/them off monthly *in full*, or at least keep the balance under 30% of the credit limit.

If you have *very good* self-control, a great strategy is to write a check or otherwise prepay on a credit card the total amount of all the bills you have to pay for that month.

Send that amount plus any small fee for paying with a card to your credit card company before you use it, and charge all the bills to your credit card so that you've already paid it off before you even use it. Pick one w points like AmEx, and you can actually pay for a trip or some other thing(s) they offer. Cash back is nice. Overstock (I don't use the credit card, but got the club membership for $10, and it gives me free ship no matter how little I buy-I know, they're never over 2.95 anyway, but...then I get credit to buy stuff-5% of my purchase, so I get free stuff all the time. It's just an example.

Choose a card w 0% or low intro rates, no fees, whatever has the best options for you, then get after them when the intro fee changes, to keep it low. Of course, you're still using it to pay in full, so more importantly, get one with very low or no annual fee.

My friend did that, and saved enough points to fly himself and his girlfriend to Italy for two weeks. That's some smart card usage! Plus, his credit score was amazing.


With no card usage, you have *no* established credit.

💟💟💟
I hope you someday come to know that people who love you aren't hurt when you do what you really want to do, but instead are happy that you are achieving your dreams.

"Hurting" someone who doesn't mind watching you suffer, or would prefer you suffer, rather than make themselves uncomfortable by you doing something FOR YOURSELF, something that is really no one else's business but YOURS...can't really count as hurting them. Do you care if you fight back and a mugger falls and skins his knee?
Depriving them of the learning experience of how to truly love someone, and stand by them-that is truly hurting them.

Anyone who would try to prevent you from doing this, anyone who wouldn't jump at the chance to support you, to me is just the most evil, selfish, selfish, selfish person I can even think of. It's also extremely hypocritical. They're in the bodies they identify with; how could anyone remotely think you don't have that very, very basic human right? That just makes me crazy protective of you. How dare anyone try to deprive you of being the gender you are 100%?

OK, sorry for the rant, but I just can't imagine anyone who says they love you being so selfish as to not want this for you, or not be trying to help you make it happen. I don't even understand how they could be hurt by it. It isn't about THEM. It's about YOU, my dear. And I mean, dear human being who is suffering.

You in the body you sexually/gender identify with=you beginning to finally feel ok and happy and think of how to get on with your life. You beginning to feel ok and happy with who you are, and finally released from what feels like a trap to you=(should=)the people you know and love are happy, and excited to see your suffering changed into joy. I would personally be cheering for you. Pom-poms and all.

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Although we don't agree on a damn thing I think you're crazy awesome lady and have tremendous respect for you. Gender dysphoria sucks major *** and it's a testament to your character that you persevere. Social attitudes and understandings are slowly, slowly improving.

Oh, we can agree on some stuff. Just not politics :D. And thank you. It's odd, I don't even know if I want people to understand..or to accept what I feel.

Why is that? I mean, I -don't- understand. Why the **** should I? But I can sympathize and accept. Those seem like good things to do. I think...

Because- Why should it be, or why should I be, accepted?

I take a different stance - why not? What on earth do you harm? Rejection will cause pain and suffering, acceptance will cause none. It's an easy choice for me. Throughout human history and across cultures we've recognised that sex and gender don't match up 100% of the time. Dunno why, it just happens. Singling people out for it is cruel and doesn't improve anyone personally, or society as a whole in any way I know of.

Because things should not be accepted without good reason for acceptance.

You are a Human on Planet Earth. You have a basic right as a living being to seek and feel joy. You have a right to be in the correct body for you. I can tell you, if I felt I was in the wrong body...I would HAVE to fix that.

I can only imagine how unsettling it is to be in the wrong body. The closest thing I have that even gives me any idea, is that I have things that were foisted on me as a kid that I want out of me, out of my mind and soul, but they cannot be removed, well, not until I better master a few quantum physics techniques, and even then, idk how that will go;) Physical scars are there for good, I imagine. But every second of the day, I just want that crap GONE. I feel hijacked, and I didn't ask for any of it.

You are a suffering human being. We are One. Any human who suffers makes Us all hurt. We accept it bc loving humans are happy when you get what is correct for you.

Also, I'm still kinda feeling like you think you've done something wrong. Ultimately, there's nothing to *have to accept*. Do you see? Making a change to become who you are for you is correct.

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PS: I just feel that the GLBT AND Allies (like myself) community would be all over that, donating regularly to this essential surgery. We are usually the ones w the most money, too;)

While that would be amazing, and I would probably die of happiness.. I don't really like relying on others for things and would probably feel guilty about taking money from them.

Ya, it would make me very happy to participate in such an organization, and Nah, guilt is for when you've intentionally harmed someone for the sake of harming them, or from being reckless when you knew better-like drinking a fifth of whiskey and blasting down the road, mowing people over. Same goes for shame.

Don't ever steal, and take guilt or shame that doesn't belong to you. Unless you intentionally did something bad, and no-changing your gender is not bad, stabbing someone offensively (not defensively) or robbing a bank is bad, then guilt or shame just isn't yours to take. It would be stealing. OK, all clear?

Speaking of stealing, don't steal people's joy when they want to help you. If they want to help you, they do it for joy, and if you don't receive it with joy, you bum them out. If you beat yourself up for it, then they get sad. They genuinely want you to be happy. They do it to spread joy. So, when someone gives you something, just think how great it is that they saw something in you and chose you to share joy with them. It should be a happy thing. It's an invitation to receive a little love and joy-sharing. It takes awhile for people who aren't used to it to learn to be ok with it, but it's also what is correct. It's taking me a long time to learn, too, but it is the right thing to do.

It turns out all humans have to rely on others to get anything done. Even the most powerful people in the world, *especially them*, don't do jack for themselves. They pick up the phone and bark orders. I always see someone say "That's rich guy built this great grand house" The he** he did!! He probably didn't lift a finger.! A bunch of very skilled craftsmen and artistans built his house. They deserve the credit, not him. You see?

You are part of the family that is the human race. Many of us who are awake and know this, want all of our family members to be okay.

It took me a long time to learn to allow people to give, and to be okay with receiving anything. We were never given anything, and we certainly weren't allowed to receive anything from anybody.

People give for many reasons, but they wouldn't give if they didn't want to. What is often a small token of a gift from the giver, can be a huge gift to the receiver. One of the best lessons I learned in the whole universe is to shut up and say "yes, thank you". In fact, when I go to bed, I go down a whole mental list of everything that went right for the day, and say thank you to the walls, out loud. I don't know how it works, but when I do it, I always get something good and unexpected the next day without asking.

I feel that you still struggle with feeling like you deserve to be a human like everyone else, and that makes me sad.

You struggle with "deserving". There is no need for "deserving". You shouldn't have to deserve it. It should just be so, because it's correct, and that is all.

OK, another novel finished:) Try giving the Universe permission every morning to delight you, too, and see where that goes. Then say thank you at night. Crazy-cool stuff happens when you do.

While it's outside my scope of expertise, it seems there should be a website for people to pitch in on loans and/or donations to assist people who are seeking gender reassignment.

Kiva.org is a good model for such a site. They micro-loan money all over the world to people seeking small loans. People pitch in $25 each until there's enough money to make the loan. They do make loans in the US.

At any rate, a site like theirs, where people could choose to loan (or donate-I would add a donate feature) towards a gender reassignment, would be great site for someone with the knowledge and ability to build and run it. I know I would personally add $25 to that every month myself, possibly more when I could. I know others that would probably do it, too.

If you know anyone who has this ability, I would seriously look into doing this. It could be the next Kiva. Money management would have to be critical, and there would have to be a separate donation just for operating costs, versus the operation itself. People want to know that if they donate $25, every penny goes to the person who needs it, and then they're happy to donate a few dollars in addition towards the maintenance of the site and the project itself.

Be the one to lead the way?

I'm sad that it seems like it has to be a confession, because that would imply you've done something wrong. You haven't.

I personally think insurance could should cover gender reassignment, because anyone willing to go through it clearly needs it. It's absolutely essential.

I, too, would be clawing at my skin to get out and be what I thought I should be. I've also been shanghaied, by having things which I would never choose forced on me since birth, both physically and mentally, but not like this. I, too, would do anything to remove those things from me. Anything. But they are unfixable. I feel for you.

Until you can get the surgery, you are a sista to me, my girl!! If you came in the ladies room, that would be totally fine with me. In all aspects, you are a girl to me, when you are a girl to you. More people than you know don't see it as a bad thing. The only bad thing they see is you being denied the right to live very intimately the way you see fit. I wish for you the means for things to be made as you want them to be. XOXO

i cant imagine how hard it must be to be trapped in the wrong body.as we grow up & grow olderwe go through enough battles or tests....let alone this.its good to somewhere like ep to get things off your chest,that always helps a bit.stay at it,dont let it beat you

To write your emotions in such a powerful yet understated way, aware of the impact of the 'confession' but crafting language to avoid the slide into a Grecian wail, is remarkable, especially given your age. I predict a bright literary future, and keep my fingers crossed for a slice of light in your ongoing discomfort.

Thanks for the compliments! I believe that I used "I" too much in it, upon re-reading it..but eh..I too hope for a slice of light, though it seems far out of reach even now, more than a year after writing this. It has only worsened.

You put yourself down so much, but you don realize how special you are. Your words pour out smoothly..like a melody or something. I wish I could be like that, Its hard to express myself...or maybe I need to change something else...i dont know. I think no matter how you feel, you are a beautiful person. I really think talking does help. Trust me.I highly introverted and I found my fiance dead in my apt last month. talking to people, including God has helped me. Im sorry for all the pain that you endure, and I hope you start to eventually get better. You dont have to talk to me if you dont want to..i doubt you will. But if you want to shoot me a message today, next year, or whatever, Ill be there to listen to everything you have/need to say. Take care :)

My heart goes out to you. The immense pain you must be dealing with. The inner turmoil you must constantly go thru. I hope thru reaching out you find other people who are in the same situation that you can talk with. While I don't understand what it must be like to know you were born the wrong sex,I will be there and listen be a friend if I can. Am glad you have your faith still in God. He has not nor will he ever forsake you. Know others care and your never truly alone. God bless you.

since Written on June 27th, 2012...did you attend therapy to accept who you are either gender?

Nope. I am not good at opening up to people I don\'t know, or even people I do know..

a therapist is different, I was asking cuz it would surely help the gender battle and bring you to accept

I honestly couldn\'t trust any other human being with such discussions currently.

I like the currently in your phrase means not ready for that now is ok...step by step is safer :)

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You write very well, very maturely.

There are many people who feel the same. With youth and being so articulate you have a very good chance of connecting with someone who can help you

This is very well written, and when i was reading it a woman's voice is what i heard. I hope you can get over your pain, in time, and i wish you a more pleasant life from here on out! =)

Thank you for the well wishes. We shall see what the future holds, I suppose..

These are very powerful words and I could sort of understand of understand what you mean. Your beyond the binary system I think and the assumtions of what your role supposed to be isnt true to you and it hurts you deeply.

You cannot have silence forevermore. You must let these words pour out. You are trying. You are loved. Your worth is obvious. I knew of your anguish when i first met you. And your beauty does not escape me. Tortured soul.....I care about you always. Love you, silence. My words are inadequate, but all I have to give...Accept them...xxx

Wow, this is a very moving story. Thank you for sharing. Based on the fact that 2,046 people have read it at this point, and 100 people have commented, I don't think you need to be the least big apologetic about telling this story. It is a story we want to hear, and I think a story we need to hear. As I write this comment, it has been just short of a year now since you wrote this. Do you still feel the same way?

Yup.

So I have a similar issue myself, though it's not as persistent. So I had an idea. What if you just "pretended" to be a guy one in awhile. What I mean is, I get it that it doesn't feel right to be a man. But what if you took a period of time, say an hour or an afternoon, or even a whole day, and you just decided that you are going to pretend to be a woman who is "pretending" to be a man? I wonder if it might help you loathe yourself just a little less. Either way, I'm rooting for you. You're not alone.

The question I would like to ask is...If you were freed, what would your life be like? If you weren't enclosed, what would freedom be like? What would make you feel free?

I would probably be a bit happier and such..if not, I'm not sure..it wouldn't be awful on an exterior level..interior..it would probably be pretty painful. I think the only think that would make me feel free is what I mentioned above. I hate using the word free..sounds so cheesy..

I am very sorry for your pain.

some times we pay too much attention to wat others ve to say....u said ur mother used to call u her''little girl'' i think this has smthin to do with the way u are feeling ttoday..most of the ppl are normals..by normal i mean...they are exactly like the people,,,their society ,their family or frends want them to be...so naturally they are accepted into de family n their social circles with open arms...sm people,,on the other hand,, are not,as normal as others..they have their distinct personalities n their own views...they seem n souund to b different from the rest...they have to work hard to gain acceptence from the people who do not understand their different personalities..if you are not good at it...u re likely to be misunderstood by most of de ppl..n then you start doubting ur self...ur beliefs n start beliving wat others tell u ...
dont do dat to ur self..you are wat u want to be...god gave u this right n this power..no one can define you....no one can choose fr u ....unless you let them first..

Wow. I admire your honesty. Along with your perspective on Christianity and politics. Life is full of questions that have difficult answers-- some of which may be revealed in due time and some that may never be. I only hope that you find the peace and solace you need for you. That you find the answers you are looking for. As for me, I think you're pretty cool :-). Thanks for sharing.

I have been trying to with all my energy and have come up empty so far. Thank you for thinking I am cool ^_^

YEAH GURL!

Your story is eerily similar to my friend Ryan's ...an incredibly intelligent, sensitive soul...always reading, very abrasive..also a woman trapped in a man's body..he was a fantastic writer and his protagonists would always be just a female version of himself..He tried briefly to live as a female but couldn't handle the stress of it..he also came from a Christian household and knew his family would never truly accept him..he actually went in the other direction and became hyper masculine but everybody that met him saw right through it and could tell it was just a put on..he committed suicide last October..Your story honestly touches me deeply and I wish you all the best.

Sorry to hear about your friend, sincerely. I think about doing what he did a few times a day..but I'm lucky enough to have a family that is loving..as paradoxical as that must sound after reading my story. I hope I would be able to handle the stress of it.. :/. Thank your for the best wishes.

Yeah his family life was very bizarre...he was also mixed Caucasian and Korean which I don't think helped him with trying to find a place to fit in...I'm happy you have a loving family and I very much hope you find a way to be at peace..

Thank you ^_^..

This is a really well expressed piece of writing what is really your confession. I will not say anything else because you are a very well aware person and you are at the moment resigned to what is your fate and nothing anyone says will make a difference. I just hope you accept yourself and settle this burning rage inside you in time.

Based upon this, do you feel that God made a "mistake" ? This is what I mean when I say I hate that organised religion sometimes makes people feel "less than".

I don't know what I feel.

I really don't understand. You support the same people who would deny you the right to draw breath.

Maybe I don't deserve to draw breath.

Respectfully, I believe you do. You are here (and you) because you're supposed to be.

Respectively, I don't believe in "supposed to be." I am here because I am here, there is no "supposed to be"..there just is.

Again, I'm confused. Are you a religious person, or aren't you ? Most of us have been taught something about a master plan or purpose...

I will give you the answer I give most people..I am a Christian some days..and nothing other days. I can't really explain it..

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