I Wish...

I want to feel loved again. I want to go to school and become a teacher. I want to experience life and passion. I want to be happy.

I am currently not sure where my marriage is going. I was cheated on and betrayed, and now he is so distant that he barely looks at me anymore. I want to not care anymore. I want to be able to know I will find happiness again. I want to set him free. But at the same time, I can't. I love him. I am still in love with him. 

I don't know if I can afford school, or even if I can mentally do it at this point. I think I need the distraction, but if I can't handle it, I will fail.

I want to be the reason someone smiles. I want to feel a caress on my face. I want to be kissed again. I want to feel loved. I want to feel like I'm worthy of love. I don't want to feel like I ruin lives anymore.

I used to think I would only be happy if I had money, or if we had a house. Now, I realise that the only things that will make me happy are love and experiencing life.

I love him so much and want it to work out. I'm afraid to make plans, or even move. But I want to feel love again. I want to be a teacher. I want to be a happy woman. I want to be confident that I am worth something and that I am not an unlovable life-ruiner, like I feel now.

I'm caught between who I am now and what I want to be.

Surujen Surujen
31-35, F
3 Responses Mar 13, 2009

my dear one--the sad facts are these..you and only you can actually make you happy. This I learned the hard way after a failed marriage and renewing my life(so to speak) I was liekyou ,betrayed and felt absolutley misreable and yet I loved my ex!! I was with him for over sixteen years. Two awsome boys that he blessed me with agreed that i should move on and so I did my thing..looking back( and I am re-married) I still think given the counseling we needed, the marriage could have worked. Don't think he is being indiffrent because he doesn't love you(maybe it's guilt). As far as school for teaching...DO IT!! I got my nursing and i have never once regreted that. you will find if you try being in love with someone is endless and talking never hurt anyone. I wish luck on your adventure..I hope you love the person you are and who you want 2b!! ;-)

i find that if a man throws you away than you already lost him. your worth and contribution t yourself first is what matters. guess what new flash love yourself first and the independents is already their. life is about choices and the first choice is to one day just sit there and study your man without saying a word. ask yourself what is he good for. how does he make me feel inside emotionally, what do we share standing up strong in our relationship, and finaaly what would happrn if you have children without love. TRAPPED self inventory 1st

Write down on a piece of paper the following:<br />
<br />
- what you want to be<br />
- who you want to be<br />
- what quality you have<br />
<br />
and then go to people who you still trust, who cares about you and find out the following:<br />
<br />
- what good quality you have (even if we ourselves don't see it, they do, they knows us better sometimes, specially when we are lost)<br />
- what amazing things in their life was contributed, affected, or sometimes done by you<br />
<br />
The final step is to keep the list with you at all time and read it over and over and over and OVER again to know that you are worth it.