I'm Depressed. And Lonly

Well I'm currently a 18 year old guy.. I've been living in my own depression and i feel like i'm stuck in a perminant rut. I may not be a very experienced person at my age, but i had a female friend (neighbour) from age 10-16.. I fell in love with this girl. It took me years to admit it, I had it in my mind that it would be like a cartoon where both friends have a mutal feeling. Instead when i told this girl i loved her, she rejected the very thought. and even then.. it feels like she was my ground.. metaphorically speaking.. I've been bullied all my life, by my small stature.. Every day seeing her at school, getting spontanious hugs. Lit up my life, she was the only reason i showed up day to day. So when she didn't feel the same about it. I got depressed, i actted out for attention. I took a razorblade out of a pencil sharpener. And i carved "Hate life" in my arm. I Sent her those pictures and i lost her forever. Sure it wasn't my best idea. I've sincerely apologized to her multiple times, but i can't get back what i had with her. I now live every day miserable i'm really hoping that the "2012 end of the world" really happens. Because i don't have it in me to kill myself. I can't do that to my family. I dropped out of school because i fell in with the wrong crowd, i started smoking pot/ciggarettes and i began to resent what i had become. all my life i've been told i was retarded/stupid and weak. the stupid thing is i believed it. still do a little i guess. I couldn't face walking by Her at school anymore, holding back tears in a high school while being a bully target isn't exactly easy. Now it's been Years and i still have dreams (flashbacks) of times we had fun like playing hide in seek in her basement as kids. and i wake up in the morning to realize I'll never be close to her again. I Hate my life. I Hate not having her in my life. Tomorrow is Prom, Being a socially awkward person as myself who dropped out. declined a date invite. (from a pretty girl that is a good friend - Only problem is i don't feel the same the other girl made me feel) After prom.. This girl that i Love... Is Hosting a prom party. It makes me want to cry that i have no friends, and everyone i used to know will be just 100 ft from my house. these last few days have been hell. My only friend's girlfriend moved in with him. and he doesn't have his car atm. so.. I'm Miserable.. I Wish i could get my father to get off my back about me needing to get a job/ get off my lazy ***. he doesn't know that i'm truelly on the edge/ been on it for years and i just feel like going to sleep/ not waking up.
essaram23 essaram23
18-21
May 10, 2012