Looking For Support...

You know, I joined this group to find support, encouragement and people who experience the same thing I do.  It amazes me how on these posts someone always has to chime in with some kind of name calling. Look, we know we are in love with someone who is not legally ours. We know all the wrong things about these relationships. We know the lies they tell....... Stop with the negativity already!! We have all heard it from our friends and family who know we are in love with another woman's husband!! Guess it's time to leave this group and look for support and friendship elsewhere....
Chloechloe69 Chloechloe69
41-45, F
13 Responses Jan 13, 2011

Absolutely. And add to that "I told you so" when it comes crashing down around us. That isn't helpful. We knew this would happen. We wished we were the exception, but we still hoped to be loved and cherished.

Whatever happened to "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"?

Dear Chloechloe69

I am here to let you know that I may stand alone in this but I do not blame you. I am the wife of a husband who cheated. He went away on business and met a woman, never told her about me and never wore a ring. She believed he was available and spent a month with him and his lies. She also believed she could have a relationship with him. She was never more wrong. I dont blame her it wasn't her fault it was his 100%. I was completely devestated and I am still with him but suffer every day with depression and low self esteem the constant wondering if he is still in contact with her eats away at me all the time.. I hope that you can end this affair and realize if he lies to his wife about you who's to say he isn't lying to you about someone else...

Once your heart is involved then what can you do? People love to make you feel guilty because they've been made to feel guilty. Guilt doesn't stop us from doing what we want to do, it just scares us. Who wants to go thru life scared. We all know what we do when we do it and we have to live and deal with the consequences. I'm in love with someone else and she is in love with me. She broke off the physical and we keep emotions to a minimum but we still hang out, talk and text and the 'I loves yous' are still said. I don't think our feelings will ever change even tho' we aren't physical. And for the people who say give your life to Jesus: even after you do, you're still going to be in love with the one you're in love with.

I have been in love with a married man for 30 yrs now. We were actively together for over 10 yrs. Miles separated us as well but we still managed to spend time together. We tried to keep each other at arms length, (mutually agreed) but once we were in the same space, game over. Finally, it ended. He had re-dedicated his life to the the church and Jesus Christ. We continued to struggle with our on going attraction and feelings for each other. Finally one day he said "I can't do this anymore; it's messing me up". Before he got out of my car, he asked me if he could still have the letters that I had written to him. I reached into the glove box and handed them to him. He opened the door and never looked back. This was in 1993. I never spoke to him again until this past summer of 2011. We had a long talk, it was great to hear his voice and we were going to see each other but I was unable to make it at that time. I would have gone though. Scares me to think that maybe your heart can only really belong to one person because I know in my heart, I do still love him.

Sorry, made a mistake. We spoke for the first time since 93 in the summer of 2010. This past summer he called me (kept my number obviously) and told me he was going to be close by. I couldn't go and visit at that time but as I said, I would have, if I could have.

I support you. I love my MM and am very happy with him. I have never felt like this about anyone in my life. I get tired of the people who judge but they just don't understand. I say we ignore them and continue to support one another!

I agree, I love my MM more than anything. I have hit a financial blip and yet he is worrying about my problems and trying to help me in lots of ways. Lets support each other as we seem to feel the same way when our MM are with their wives and thats when we need support.

Can someone help me get over the feeling of being jelous of his wife? <br />
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This is destroying us, I am supporting him through the most difficult part of his life. <br />
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I am so jelous of her having him in her bed and just spending time with him.

it's tough my friend, wish they was medicine for that. hugs xx

Oh I am sooo jealous of his wife! I don't like the idea of her being in the same house with him! She is not interested in sex so they aren't having sex but they do share the same bed. I know, many will say that he lies to me about the sex part but I know he is telling the truth. I too am married and have not had sex with hubby in over four months. I also get jealous when my MM goes to the store or out to eat with his wife. I try to keep it inside and not let him know how much it bothers me. I don't want it destroying what we have.

Why bother with the negative people in your life??? Come on guys, who needs them? Surely I dont! Am happy with my MM and who cares about what people think about me, they do not know a thing about me, so?? Lets enjoy ladies, we only live once!

It amazes me too. I never looked for this. There are days I'd give anything to be strong enough to give him up, but I can't.

I'm fairly new to EP. I've read a few of the stories. However, I'm not ready to tell all of mine just yet. It's a lengthy one, with so many twists and turns. Even the 'short version' will likely bore some to tears. I've certainly shed a lot of tears along the way in creating this story...this life.<br />
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Like the rest of you, I'm looking for support. I tried to end my long relationship several months ago. It felt like the end of the world. It was unlike any pain I'd experienced before. When I determined (after about 24 days) that I couldn't live without my married man, I contacted him. I truly believed that we could be JUST friends. After all, we haven't seen each other in over 10 years. (As I mentioned before, it's a very long story!) He agreed to the "just friends" proposal. After a month of so, it became romantic again. His feelings for me have never changed. Of course, my feelings for him hadn't changed, either. I'd only briefly deluded myself: I believed that keeping our relationship on a friendship level would have made the situation easier for me...if I could have pulled it off. But, I've loved this man too long to change the course of things. Anyway, after the situation became romantic again, I told very few people about it. Those few people that I did tell were not at all supportive. Because of their extreme negativity, I determined that--in order to maintain some small sense of peace--I had to keep my thoughts and feelings about the relationship to myself. The only person with whom I could share my thoughts and feelings would be...him. The unfortunate kink, of course, is that this man is unavailable in just about every sense of the word.<br />
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Now, I'll elaborate about his unavailability (in addition to his 'married-ness'). When I looked it up in the Thesaurus, it also lists other applicable synonyms for unavailable: inaccessible; remote; diligent; engrossed; preoccupied; absorbed. The reasons these synonyms apply to my married man: I'll start with inaccessible. For starters, we live at least 500 miles apart. (Note: When we met, he was in the Army and was PCS'd to my area.) Next, he is a very intelligent, dedicated, hard working maintenance engineer at a chemical plant. He generally goes to work around 6 a.m., and he leaves around 2:30 p.m. (That is assuming there are no breakdowns in the plant, and it seems that is rare.) Because of his position, he must stay and 'round the troops' if there is a breakdown. He isn't paid more for extra work hours: He doesn't get overtime. Next, he has four children. One is a 21-year-old girl who has returned home after a few unsuccessful months in college. The other three are boys ranging in age from 13 to 18; and the 18-year-old just graduated from high school and missed his opportunity to go to college this coming fall, so he'll be living at home and working through the coming year. What else? My man is a Boy Scout leader. (I guess he figured he didn't already have enough on his plate with a wife, four children, and A FARM!) Once a month, he takes the Scouts on a camp out. Although, I think they may actually take the summer months off. (Yippee!) As the Scout leader, he attends meetings once a week. (Just thinking about--and listening to--his schedule can make me exhausted.) In between all this, he stops at the grocery store on the way home from work to pick up groceries. (This is because they live paycheck to paycheck.) Because they live in a rural area--and the farm is so far from the store--it is more cost effective for him to get the groceries on his way to/from work than for 'that other woman' (as he calls his wife) to drive unnecessarily to the grocery store. Plus, she has already put them through bankruptcy: He knows that she would tend to buy things they don't need, so it's better for him to do the shopping and watch the money. (She has a 'whatever' attitude about money.) Once he gets home with groceries, 'the other woman' has usually slept all day. So, she decides it's time to feed and water the horses and other animals. Therefore, my man cooks and then cleans up the kitchen (with help from the kids, of course). Then, he gets to sit down and pay bills and try to balance the checkbook. If the 13-year-old needs help with school things, he may do that as well. If he has any energy left (or if there are no bills that need to be paid that day; fences that need mending; hay that needs hauling/stacking; fields that need mowing; etc.), he may get to sit down to relax, watch a few minutes of TV, read, and drink a beer or two. (I have actually told him that I think he enjoys burning the candle at both ends...that he wouldn't have it any other way.)<br />
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I know: That was not such a short story. But, that was, by no means, the long version!<br />
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I just wanted to say that I know this is a difficult road for all of us. We all need to support each other. We endure enough scorn from our 'friends' and relatives. Why do that here?<br />
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Lastly, here is a book I recently purchased. (I'm a very slow reader, so I haven't made it very far yet. But, the reviews are very good. Also, it's the ONLY book of it's kind.) The book is called "Will He Really Leave Her for Me?: Understanding Your Situation, Making Decisions for Your Happiness" by Rona B. Subotnik. You may not be able to tell by the title, but this book is more ON your side than NOT. I recommend you search for it online and read some of the better reviews (i.e., by women who have been 'the other woman', as we are...or have been). Granted, there are plenty of negative reviews out there, but they are by those who are just as contentious as our own friends and relatives.<br />
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I look forward to more comments and support from like-minded, like-experienced members.

The heart does not choose who it loves. I used to think that the mind was all powerful and it could overcome any emotion or irrational thought. Boy was I wrong. I was a church-going, hard working, loyally married and highly ethical professional and it happened to me. I fell in love with an attached man. It started as a friends with benefits arrangement as my husband was in the proess of leaving me and his wife was having an affair and in process of leaving him. I had been rejected physically for many many years and did not know how it felt to be touched. He was in the same boat. We just wanted to feel human touch again and we did. I fell in love with him immediately. I knew he liked me a lot but I couldn't be sure if he loved me. He was going to leave his cheating wife and ended up staying with her. Then our meetings became very sparse. We ended it even though I loved him. I walked around with this heaviness in my heart like the world was ending for me .... and no-one to talk to about it. I see people kissing and all I can think of is his kisses. <br />
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My sense of right and wrong was skewed when my marriage fell apart and his kisses and touches literally changed my life, my will to live again. I love him for that. I don't know how to stop loving him. I never planned this but it happened. I would have never believed that I would be the other woman....but I was. I love him and I'm hurting and I can't tell anyone or get help from anyone about this. This has to be the most difficult challenge I have ever had in my life and I empathize with you all on here. Hugs for you all!

I understand your pain all to well.

i so much agree with you guys, its so hard loving someone who cant even show you in public. how i envy couples who can just express there love in the outside world. but for us there's always fear and contentment knowing that he cannot give you more time,love and attention. our relationship just ends in the bedroom, it just so sad..we deserve more

You are not alone. I understand the pain that both of you feel. It's been so hard, I haven't and can't tell anyone how I feel so there is no support. <br />
I got some flack when I posted my story too. What know one seems to understand is none of us got up one morning an said "Hey, I think I'll go find a married person and fall in love with them." It sometimes just happens.<br />
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You can read my story here. <br />
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I'm in love with a man I can't have.<br />
All Confessions<br />
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Posted by Anonymous

I too am looking for support! I think people have a hard time feeling sorry for the other woman. They don't realize what happened in our situations nor what we've been through. I joined to find a group that could relate. I feel like the victim but know others would probably think of me as the instigator which I do not feel like I was. I am a good person that has never done anything like this before and never will again. It was not intentional and I think some think it probably was. It could happen to anyone if it happend to me............ I support you!