Valentine'S Day

I celebrated Valentine's Day with my MM and it was amazing. I was so excited to see him, after all it has been a month since I had seen him. A nice dinner, making love, falling asleep in his arms, and waking up to him kissing my back was so comforting. For 24 hours I was on cloud 9. And then...we had to part. From the time I left until I got home I went from being on cloud 9 to being so upset I just couldnt stand it. I didnt even want to speak to him, I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. The most painful part about being in this relationship is telling him goodbye each time we see each other. It hurts more and more each time I have to say goodbye. I want to be a part of his life, I want to be in a normal relationship with him. One that has no secrets, one that has no goodbyes. I simply want to be his first choice.
If you read my last post, you probably are wondering why I changed my mind about seeking revenge and ending it. I do love him, even though our relationship is very unhealthy I do love him. I do feel hurt and pain in my heart when we are apart but when we are together all that pain is replaced with butterflies. Call him an addiction. The question I ask myself is do I wait 2 years for him or do I move on with my life and find someone that will make me his first choice. There is no guarantee that in 2 years he will leave his wife. My biggest fear is that I would have wasted 2 years on a dream that will never come true.
Centasional Centasional
41-45, F
3 Responses Feb 16, 2013

It's so hard. SO hard. It's a rollercoaster. It made me crazy. Literally crazy. Leaving him was always so hard and we would say how we hated leaving each other but we had to. And then not ever knowing when we'd see each other again was brutal, it was always on his time when it worked for him. So I'd wait growing anxious wondering why so much more time seemed to pass then before. He brought so much happiness when he was with me but that fear of losing it made me insecure and needy. It was just a rough situation. I'm newly out of it, and I've had every kind of emotion you can imagine. If you read anything I've written, you'll see it. I wanted him to hurt the way I hurt too, but I realize that really isn't going to make anything better and I do still love him. As I keep reading the experiences of others and relating wholeheartedly, I'm starting to feel more and more sure that it's good that it's over even though I think a part of me will always want him. This pain you're describing is so much to bare. It's simply torture. My heart goes out to you.

O I am feeling your pain, I am living a similar experience but I just don't get to spend that time with the person it's done online or on the phone (almost unbearable at times) - you just live for the moment when I do see him so much, and then when it has gone (almost instantaneously) you fall apart. And it is so very hard to hold your public life together and not show that pain. As you have said yourself, you could wait another two years and your dream will not come true then either - you have to ask yourself is it worth it. I know that feeling so much, and I tell myself it is still worth it because of the extreme feelings you experience when you are with that person. But in all honesty, if you (and hundreds of others) have found other people outside of their normal lives, then perhaps there might just be someone else who could make you feel the same way and would be prepared to spend the rest of their lives with you. I can imagine you might read this and be vigourously shaking your head saying nope that won't be me (I know i've done that as well). In the end it will be a self preservation decision. Just know you are never alone :)

The reason why I intend to end the relationship with my mm is the pain that you mentioned is totally unbearable for me. Having to cry badly when he's not around and we all know most of the time they are not around. We all know they wouldn't leave their family so my advise is try to detach from him and have your own life. I believe many of us here a struggling hard to be nice to themselves so I hope you would cherish yourself too. I know it super tough but we just had to do it.