Life Can Be Cruel.

 Here's the gist of it....

When I was 28 years old I met a fellow and we connected instantly. He was a pilot and so different from the same old, same old run of the mill blokes that I was accustomed to meeting. I was separated after six years in a bad marriage and a single Mom of two great kids, . Anyway long story short I fell head over heels for him and he for me. He was transferred by the airline he worked for to Northern Canada after two months and we tried to carry on a long distance relationship, but this was before the Internet and email so all we basically had were letters (snail mail) and phone calls ( $500 per month phone bills were killing me) He decided he could no longer cut it in the North and was then transferred to an Eastern province and when he came back to see me before he left again I made up my mind I could not handle the long distance relationship any longer and could not leave with him due to my children and so ended the relationship - one of the hardest things I have ever done!!!

He wanted to stay in contact but I said "No" and I was adamant about it. He phoned me once five months later to wish me Happy Birthday and at that time I was with someone else and expecting a baby. It killed me to let him go and I began to spiral downward at record speed  and rebounded straight into another stupid relationship with someone SO wrong for me. When I broke up with the pilot I was devastated, I loved him so much but knew it would never work. He was foot loose and determined to make something of himself and I was a single Mom and my kids came first. Anyway, I told him about the baby and he asked if it was his and I said No, but inside I so wished it was because then at least I would have had a part of him, so that was the last time I spoke to him. 

I went on with my life, had the baby even though the Dad decided he was not Father material and tried to make the best of things. We broke up and he told me he wanted nothing to do with his child. In 1993 met another fellow (now my husband) and settled down. I never forgot my pilot and would often speak of him to my girlfriends as my dream guy and someone I would always love and never forget. 

Life is funny and you never know what is going to happen and in January 2007 on a dare from a friend I decided to see if I could find him fully knowing he could be married or who knows what else. I knew that he had family at the coast and so tried looking up his last name and found his Dad (same name as him) and sent a short letter saying hi from the past and asked if he was married I don't want to cause any problems but just thought I would see what happened to you and left my email address. I wasn't even sure if it was him so thought if I didn't hear anything I would let sleeping dogs lie. I almost fell out of my chair when I found an email from him on Valentine's Day and he was thrilled to hear from me. He had so much to tell me and asked how I was doing, if I was married etc. He kept eluding to the fact that he had so much to tell me. Finally after countless emails back and forth he told me he was engaged (third marriage) to a flight attendant and was very happy. I guess when I finally heard this bit of news my heart broke. How stupid of me to think anything would happen, I was very married and he was working for a major airline in Bahrain in the Middle East. Our lives could not be more different. 

Long story short... In March of 2008 I took a trip to visit friends in the UK and after a friendly invite from his wife I also went to Bahrain and stayed with him and his new wife for eight days. After almost 18 years I stood face to face with the love of my life and felt as if it was only a few days prior that he left my life. The connection was still there and we carried on as friends from where we left off. His wife was lovely and made me feel very welcome. From time to time he would touch my hand and it was electric and we even shared a few intimate moments when his wife left the room, nothing heavy just a quick kiss. It was surreal, who could possibly fathom this as even possible. I won't go on and on about what happened but suffice to say I fell hard again for this fellow but understood it could never be. I went back to Canada and we stayed in contact and it was killing me. I could not get him out of my mind and spent way too much time dwelling on him. I went out of my way to stay friends with his wife and we emailed back and forth, but as much as I cared about her I knew in my heart I had a hidden agenda and was not proud of myself for thinking such thoughts. 

To sum things up, I took another trip to the UK near the end of January 2009 and once again went to Bahrain to see my friend and his wife. All was well until we went out for her Birthday and had a bit too much to drink and she told me in no uncertain terms she was threatened by me and she only agreed to let me visit because it was important to her husband and she didn't want to let him down. After that the dynamic changed between us and I know that I can never go back and spend time with them as a couple. That does not mean that my feelings have changed one iota for him, in fact I feel even more deeply for him and pretty much told him that one night. He told me he loved me and always would and would never forget me but she was the one he would spend the rest of his life with. 

When I returned home I found an email from him saying he was sad after I left and he missed me and loved me back then, loved me now and would love me tomorrow. I didn't reply right away and got a text after a few days saying he was worried because I had not written and was everything OK? It is so confusing for me because I know I need to get on with my life but the idea of him not being in it is too painful to fathom. I have decided to make a five year or less plan to become the best me I can be and maybe than I will be enough for him or maybe once I realize my true potential I won't even want him any longer. 

A few days later another email came a newsy one about how much they enjoyed having me for a visit and I was always welcome anytime. I know these are his feelings and not his wife and she will just go along with it to make him happy. I told her during our birthday talk that I love him and always will but I was not the enemy.

I finally replied to the email and just said I was going to be really busy for the next little while but I made it  home safe and sound and would write as soon as I had a spare minute.

Now that I am back to reality I feel so alone in this so it was nice to find a forum of people who understand how hard it is to love someone who is not yours to love. I am married myself but had fallen out of love with my husband many years ago but we stay together for the children. He knows full well how I feel about my friend but he is one who believes that life goes on and if I left him he would just find another so in his eyes I am easily replaced. I have never felt truly loved by my husband and as I get older and realize how I just settled but never truly felt loved. We have two wonderful kids and have a pleasant relationship but no passion and I sometimes wish my husband would meet someone he was more suited for so I would not have to be the bad guy and hurt my children. I will wait until my kids are a little older but within five years I plan to leave the marriage if my now husband doesn't leave sooner.

Anyway that is my story. Would love to hear from others who are in the same boat and hopefully we can support each other and offer advice. I know others can be cruel and judgmental when it comes to this subject unless they have experienced it for themselves.

All the best,

M