He Reminded Me
I first want to say that I have been searching the web for a site to vent my story to people who share my pain, my joy and my utter confusion...
My story begins over a year ago on the ashleymadison website (a web site for attached people seeking affairs). I was and am currently in a relationship that is about as grey as grey can be. My boyfriend and I have been together for eight years, and up until this it had been a faithful eight years. I was searching for something but couldn't quite put a finger on what "it" was. I didn't, nor do I currently, have the strength or courage to leave my relationship but I could no longer ignore the longing for "it" in my soul.
I came across a few people but no one really peeked my interest. Then the message came titled "Is this where I apply for the job?" It made me smile. I checked the profile and the moment I saw his picture, there was a spark. I believe that if you get quiet for the first few moments that you interact with a person a little voice will tell you that they are going to be someone special in your life; when I looked at his picture it spoke to me.
We exchanged emails for a couple of months and then we exchanged phones numbers. In that time I found out that he was engaged to be married. I was naturally hesitant. I could deal with a dead end relationship or a stale marriage; but how do you handle the transition from one to the other. He assured me that his upcoming nuptials would not interfere with us getting to know one another, and that he wanted to pursue this.
In the time before we met face to face we talked almost everyday, no less that three times a week. I fell pretty hard pretty fast and soon realized what "it" was that I was looking for; it was love. The kind of love that gives you butterflies and makes your heart go pitter patter. I had it once before in my life (before my boyfriend), but thought is was short lived and non-sustainable; not the stuff that real, solid, long-term, stable relationships are made of; so it seemed to be no big deal that I didn't get that feeling with my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend as a stable figure in my life; but I am not in love with him. I missed being in love.
He and his fiance had been together for eleven years, and decided to get engaged eight years in to their relationship because they "...both felt it was time..." Through our talks I found out that he is more attracted to black women (I am a black woman and he is a white man); however he had his heart broken and that is how he "...ended up with a white woman..." He describes his wife as a "...great girl..." and says she is "...the nicest person I [he] know..." I say all of this not a dig to his wife, because I really have no ill will toward her. I say it because to me they are the statements of a person who has not followed their heart.
He and I met for the first time about two and a half months after our first contact. We met at the mall and the plans almost got canceled because I, in classic me fashion, was running late. Hearing in my voice that I had a bad day he said I sounded as if I needed a hug and we could met up for a little bit.
I got to the mall first and thought I was going to wet myself; I was so nervous. When we both got out of our cars and I saw him for that first time, my heart became an olympic gymnast and nearly flipped right out of my chest...he was flawless. I hugged him and couldn't believe I was finally holding him in my arms. We kissed, and it was absolutely fantastic; butterflies, pitter-patter, the whole shebang. Since then I have only fallen deeper for him.
Retrospectively I should have taken a deep introspective look at what I was searching for on-line in the first place. The original intention was that this wasn't going to be about love. This was only about filling a void without changing our current station. I wish I had stopped to realize that my void was being in-love.
We have been doing our thing, I hesitate to call it dating or a relationship, for a year now. We don't talk as often as we used to, barely at all, and much of our communication is through text messages. We usually don't go more than a couple of weeks without some form of communication, but a week feels like a month. I have come to realize that this is a situation that I need out of. He says, or at least texts, that he loves me, but the hummingbirds are starting to quiet down and I am beginning to feel used. We only get together for sex, and I always pay for the hotel. We have never been on a real date, and have caught him in at least one definitive lie. Of course I didn't call him on it. He assures me that he doesn't want out, and I repeatedly tell, more like beg him, that if he is ready to go to tell me. I have made all of this way too easy for him.
If I were on the listening end of this story instead of the telling end, I would say "girl...you're an idiot, get out..."; but the heart wants what it wants and my heart wants him. I haven't asked him to leave his wife, nor will I ever. In the beginning when we first realized our feeling were going deeper then intended (or at least mine) he assured me that he would never leave his wife because he made a promise and a commitment, and he is a man of his word. Sometimes I feel as if I should be patient and be there for him when the marriage fails; but I don't want to be a mistress for the rest of my life considering that his marriage is probably otherwise solid. And then there is the issue of my own relationship.
I have made a mess of my life, but I love him so much.