He Reminded Me

I first want to say that I have been searching the web for a site to vent my story to people who share my pain, my joy and my utter confusion...

My story begins over a year ago on the ashleymadison website (a web site for attached people seeking affairs).  I was and am currently in a relationship that is about as grey as grey can be.  My boyfriend and I have been together for eight years, and up until this it had been a faithful eight years.  I was searching for something but couldn't quite put a finger on what "it" was.  I didn't, nor do I currently, have the strength or courage to leave my relationship but I could no longer ignore the longing for "it" in my soul.

I came across a few people but no one really peeked my interest.  Then the message came titled "Is this where I apply for the job?"  It made me smile.  I checked the profile and the moment I saw his picture, there was a spark.  I believe that if you get quiet for the first few moments that you interact with a person a little voice will tell you that they are going to be someone special in your life; when I looked at his picture it spoke to me. 

We exchanged emails for a couple of months and then we exchanged phones numbers.  In that time I found out that he was engaged to be married.  I was naturally hesitant.  I could deal with a dead end relationship or a stale marriage; but how do you handle the transition from one to the other.   He assured me that his upcoming nuptials would not interfere with us getting to know one another, and that he wanted to pursue this.

In the time before we met face to face we talked almost everyday, no less that three times a week.  I fell pretty hard pretty fast and soon realized what "it" was that I was looking for;  it was love.  The kind of love that gives you butterflies and makes your heart go pitter patter.  I had it once before in my life (before my boyfriend), but thought is was short lived and non-sustainable; not the stuff that real, solid, long-term, stable relationships are made of; so it seemed to be no big deal that I didn't get that feeling with my boyfriend.  I love my boyfriend as a stable figure in my life; but I am not in love with him.  I missed being in love.

He and his fiance had been together for eleven years, and decided to get engaged eight years in to their relationship because they "...both felt it was time..."  Through our talks I found out that he is more attracted to black women (I am a black woman and he is a white man); however he had his heart broken and that is how he "...ended up with a white woman..."  He describes his wife as a "...great girl..." and says she is "...the nicest person I [he] know..."  I say all of this not a dig to his wife, because I really have no ill will toward her.  I say it because to me they are the statements of a person who has not followed their heart.

He and I met for the first time about two and a half months after our first contact.  We met at the mall and the plans almost got canceled because I, in classic me fashion, was running late.  Hearing in my voice that I had a bad day he said I sounded as if I needed a hug and we could met up for a little bit.

I got to the mall first and thought I was going to wet myself; I was so nervous.  When we both got out of our cars and I saw him for that first time, my heart became an olympic gymnast and nearly flipped right out of my chest...he was flawless.  I hugged him and couldn't believe I was finally holding him in my arms.  We kissed, and it was absolutely fantastic; butterflies, pitter-patter, the whole shebang.  Since then I have only fallen deeper for him.

Retrospectively I should have taken a deep introspective look at what I was searching for on-line in the first place.  The original intention was that this wasn't going to be about love.  This was only about filling a void without changing our current station.  I wish I had stopped to realize that my void was being in-love. 

We have been doing our thing, I hesitate to call it dating or a relationship, for a year now.  We don't talk as often as we used to, barely at all, and much of our communication is through text messages.  We usually don't go more than a couple of weeks without some form of communication, but a week feels like a month.  I have come to realize that this is a situation that I need out of.  He says, or at least texts, that he loves me, but the hummingbirds are starting to quiet down and I am beginning to feel used.  We only get together for sex, and I always pay for the hotel.  We have never been on a real date, and have caught him in at least one definitive lie.  Of course I didn't call him on it.  He assures me that he doesn't want out, and I repeatedly tell, more like beg him, that if he is ready to go to tell me.  I have made all of this way too easy for him.

If I were on the listening end of this story instead of the telling end, I would say "girl...you're an idiot, get out..."; but the heart wants what it wants and my heart wants him.  I haven't asked him to leave his wife, nor will I ever.   In the beginning when we first realized our feeling were going deeper then intended (or at least mine) he assured me that he would never leave his wife because he made a promise and a commitment, and he is a man of his word.  Sometimes I feel as if I should be patient and be there for him when the marriage fails; but I don't want to be a mistress for the rest of my life considering that his marriage is probably otherwise solid.  And then there is the issue of my own relationship.

I have made a mess of my life, but I love him so much.

Penzi Penzi
7 Responses Jul 28, 2009

<p>I left my bf for my married man. Well the married man is not so married, but is in a relationship and has childern in that relationship. I never thought this would happen. My story is similar to yours, apart from he paid for the hotel. He's up and down about being with me or being with her and I am not sure what to do. I love him, and as such I don't want to put him in a position where he is now. I don't want him to choose between me and his lady and children. That would not be fair. I want him to leave her only if he doesn't want to be with her and is not happy. When I asked him if he is happy he said it's difficult to know with all the things that are in his life. If he said he was happy I would leave, I would go and let him continue to be happy. I just want him to make a decision and STICK with it. He's making decision, then misses me too much, it is going on for a year. I am not strong enough to leave him even for him, so i keep questioning my love for him. But it's difficult, we work at the same firm. We see each other every day! I have to write some rules down on a piece of paper and start following them really. Because just as you I get hurt.</p>

People this selfish and stupid deserve to be "hurt".<br />
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When are women going to learn??? Honestly! If you know they are MARRIED or otherwise COMMITTED, than ANY hurt you get yourself into is ALL YOUR OWN FAULT!

texting every two weeks, no conversation or personal contact, not paying for the hotel room, only sex and then he heads out the door.....i lived this, thought i loved him and could not live without him, would accept all the crap he threw at me just to keep him....<br />
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i left him, my attached man, and it has been 4 months of pure regret..every cell in my body wants him back, every thought in my mind migrates to him<br />
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two nights ago, i finally cried for the first time over him...i kept telling myself to feel it, feel it deep, the sorrow he had put me through...and i felt it....and i feel free of him now because when i think of him these days, i feel the sobbing sorrow and nothing else

I can understand some of what you are saying. but not all I am not in you shoe's so i cant say any thing bad I am with a married man only haveing sex and texting every day I love Him so much until I cry just thinking about him. what have he done for you to love him so much is it the sex and he looks so good because I read nothing about how he takes care of you are any thing did you leave that out?

No matter how many people were to view your story - most would tell you to leave the relationship and to put it behind you.. This is good advice - but it is really hard, and leaves the loving person feeling empty and guilty.<br />
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My feeling is that weaning is the answer. The sexual relationship should stop immediately .. But the friend communication part could continue until you find yourself, (so to speak)..<br />
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These married men can be the most charming, charismatic, sweet, considerate, communicative men that you have known.. But remembering that they are only interested in their own fulfillment and they would use a woman outside the marriage - as mortar for their desolate marriages.. His marriage is probably better with you in it.. He is probably happier and feeling guilty - so he is nicer to her - making her happier .. <br />
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As you gradually draw away from this relationship, you will realize that you are too complete of a woman for this - and that God has a lot more for you ..

No woman who cheats with a married man is "complete". And they ALL say their wives are "oh-so-terrible"....I realize you are all just trying to make yourselves feel better though......the wife is the ONLY victim in these situations. Don't kid yourself.

hmm...a man of his word? what about those vows?!<br />
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Girl...'you are an idiot! GET out of this ! lol....you said it so don't hate me for it.<br />
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Seriously...honey...woman...do NOT let this man have your goodies and I do mean all of them when he is definitely USING you. Lawd...every man has a penis and sometimes what the heart wants is projected unto someone from within you when in truth it has nothing to do with how they truly are towards you...ACTIONS!<br />
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Anyone can say they love you or want you but look at their actions...do they say the same thing? I don't mean just wanting sex from you but wanting YOU and showing you in ways that are healthy and respectful of your worth.<br />
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You are in one relationship with a man that gives you a sense of safety and stability but you aren't really sharing life with him....you are in another relationship with another man that gives you no stability and safety and yet you aren't sharing your life with him either.... what you want and need, at least it sounds to me, is a man that is a 'witness' to your life and you theirs...to get there babes....you need to do some work on you ....I would suggest reading books at the very least on why women choose men that can't give them what they want...at the very best...invest some time and money in some one on one counseling with someone who specializes in how women think and why the set up these no win situations. <br />
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And can I just say...as a woman...we should respect each other...what you are doing to this other woman is truly unfair and extremely hurtful and disrespectful...and why? for a man that sparked something in YOU...it's not in him...find yourself , work on you and then you can find YOUR man that is a witness and partner to your life...you can look even while in counseling...one more thing.<br />
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The man you are with deserves to be with someone that is in love with him and wants to be a mutual fully involved witness to his life as well....and you are preventing him from that by leading him on and doing this behind his back.

Amen sister. Amen!

at least you can talk about it