Confusion Sets In....

Sorry for the long post, but I really need to vent...

Maureen24 wrote: I don't know why I do this to myself, but i'm drawn to what I can't have....

I think that is the whole point, we cannot have them. THAT is what keeps drawing us back in, our desire to have something we cannot have. For awhile we try to fool ourselves thinking that we have the best of both worlds. We have someone in our lives who pays attention to us, claims to love us, and spoils us, yet we still get to maintain our freedom...Or so it seems. But how is it we suddenly find ourselves putting OUR lives on hold, while he continues his?

Even though he never asks us to do it, we find ourselves sitting at home night after night because we feel that "Dating" someone would be cheating. We find ourselves withdrawing from the life we had before we met him in hopes of having a life with the man we love. Meanwhile, no matter how terrible his marriage is, he STILL has someone to do things with, he still has that feeling of comfort knowing someone is there if he needs them.

At first we are patient and we wait, then as more time goes by, we start to question our decision, but by then we are in way too deep. So we begin to pray, we beg God to help him see how perfect we are together, how happy I could make him, and what a perfect life we could have. We promise to never ask for another thing if he just helps the man we love get away from his horrible wife.

Someone responded to a post I had written and although I did not agree with some of what she said, a part of it has stuck with me ever since and I just cannot seem to shake it. If his marriage was so horrible, he WOULD GET OUT! I do not care if there are children involved, financial reasons, health issues, etc...They are all excuses. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. Nothing in this world would stop him from being by your side...NOTHING!

Mind you, I love this man with all of my heart, I have never had such a connection with anyone. I have been patient and tried to understand that he cannot leave because of his children, even though they are his and not hers. I understand that she has raised them and I give him credit for thinking about their needs. However, since November, he calls once a week and tells me it is battle royale between his wife and Daughter. When he tells me at least once a week she threatens to get a u-haul, load up her things and leave, then the next day she signs a two year contract for some internet service as if nothing was ever said....It tells me something.

It tells me that no matter how horrible things get, no matter how much she manipulates him and gets her way by threatening to leave, he may not ever leave her. Maybe he believes he deserves to be treated this way, maybe he doesn't believe he deserves happiness....But I do deserve it, even if it's without him.

I have tried to help him by being there to talk with, but lately, it is just tearing me apart. I have told him repeatedly that when he has finally had enough, he will know and he will do something about it. I do not criticize his reasons for staying and I have never bad mouthed his wife. The ONLY thing I have told him to do is the next time she threatens to leave, pack up her things and have them sitting on the porch for her when she comes back. I told him that will put a stop to her threatening him real quick! She will either take her things and go or she will beg to stay and never threaten him again. I have never issued him an ultimatum, pressured him TO leave, nor will I ever do so. If he leaves, I want him to do so on his own accord, I want him to do it because HE wants to.

Lately, I am alternating between being angry and sad. I am tired of hearing about the horrible things she does and then watching him do nothing about it. I feel as if I am in the middle of their battle and I do not like it at all. I know I need to do something, but I am not sure I can or I want to. He is very close to my family AND friends, and despite his situation, they all love him, especially my Mom, which is a first. She never liked my husband or my last boyfriend of eight years. This man has taken over my life and because of my own ignorance, I have made him my everything. There is a part of me that screams...RUN, Run as fast as you can and do not look back. But then my heart tells me to hang on for just awhile longer.....

I know I chose this life but I wouldn't wish this heartache and confusion on my worst enemy. I feel so empty and alone tonight and the only thing I have to hug and comfort me is my damn pillow....
SaneB42Kidz SaneB42Kidz
41-45
1 Response Feb 17, 2010

I recently reconnected with a past love. I am married and so is he. I never got over him and wasted 10 yrs fantasizing about all the what ifs.... Iknow nothing will ever come of this yet I spend my time waaiting for his calls or texts. We both need to get our self esteem back in order. We are worth more than that. If we were number one we would not be waiting by the phone. !!!!!!I get so angry with myself!