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What Is Love?

I feel in love with a man when I was young..we couldnt pursue the relationship because he had a girlfriend, I ended up with someone else, got pregnant and got married. That marriage didnt last long, for I always ran back to my first love. Years passed and I finally left the place where me and my first love met..I ended up everywhere and went through one more relationship before I buckled down and met someone..he was great,etc..until one day I was bored and decided to google my first love.

I found an address a name similar to his..I wrote a standard, anonymous, how are you? letter without my name or return address..I included an email address so if that was him he could response, because whoever receives that letter would automatically know it was me(strictly due to my handwriting) and they would be the intended recipient. I mailed that letter on a Wednesday, by Friday evening, I did get an email...it was him, he wanted for me to call him. I really didnt know whether to cry, laugh or choke...I havent seen him in 13yrs, or spoken to him in 10yrs....I was scared but thrilled that I didnt know what to do...I wrote the letter because I was curious to know how his been and just to really know if he still existed after all those years thinking, wishing, and constantly dreaming of him.

I did call...after a brief formality, I did ask if he is married..yes he says..I felt my heart dropped. But I accepted that first declaration, I was ok with that, because everyone does go on with their life. I wrote him a letter for the second time, 5pages long-so detailed and precise, that after he read it, he was in shock and amazed that I still remember everything that went on in our lives so long ago...it also gave me a chance to tell him everything I've carried with me all those years.

Long story short...we reunited as if we never skipped a beat..I moved mountains to be near him...yes he is happily married....Im screwed because I've been in love with the same man for the last 18yrs, known him for the last 20yrs..does he love me? unfortunately he really does..because it would be so  much easier for me to walk away if he didnt. I wish that I could say that he says and does things just for the moment but he doesnt..he always speaks the truth and does what he says he would do.

Im in a dilemma..im bounded to this man by my love for him and the bond that we have from so long ago until now. Unfortunately, Im not dillusional, maybe acceptant of our circumstances...how do i walk away from someone I loved for so long...have left and still gone back to...and yes, he definitely knows how I feel...what is love...MC sings I wanna know what love is? and yet after all these years-his name is my response...what do i do?

papisbabee papisbabee 31-35 Apr 12, 2010

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