When Feelings Are Mutual, But He Doesn't Want To Give It A Shot. What Should I Do?

This situation of mine has been bothering me for a very long time, but I have never gotten the advice that is helpful. So please help me, and bare with me if the story is too long.

I remember the first time I met T, who is a friend of P for several years. When T and I met, we just clicked instantly, but I didn't see anything except friendship. As a group, we hung out a lot in the summer of 2011, and all of us grew very close to each other. I gradually found out T and I have a lot in common and that we can talk about anything and everything.

It took me months to realize that there is something between T and I more than friendship, but I was still dating P, so I never said anything. I was so guilty toward P, but little did I know, P had been cheating on me ever since we got together with several girls. Once I found out, it was on our 6 months anniversary, I broke up with P, and went back to my hometown for the holidays. When I was away on my holiday break, T and I talked every day like how we normally would talk.

I finally confessed my feelings toward T, but we decided that our friend zone and P are reasons we can't make anything happen. Stupidly, I took P back because he said he needed me even though the relationship already dead. Finally, T told me "let's give it a shot if P gives us his blessing" I was so confused and lost. P became very abusive and hit me, I ended things again, then unfortunately, I found out I was pregnant, I went through the abortion with P by my side, but we stayed strictly as friends. However, P made everyone believe that we were back together and like a happy couple. P would call T to hang out with the both of us on purpose, he would invite T and I to go to the movies, dinner, or just hang out together. I kept my distant with T because I didn't know how to tell him and I was emotionally unstable because I couldn't stop thinking about the abortion.

One night, I went out with a few friends and got drunk. I called T to tell him to stop agreeing to hang out with me and P because I feel uncomfortable and finally told him what I went through. He told me that he supports me whatever decision I need to make, and that he still wants to give it a shot with or without T's blessing. That night P was supposed to come over so that we could talk, but I was on the phone with T for hours, that I ignored P's phone calls and his knocking on the door. The next day, I called P to tell him that it's over and I haven't been happy with him for the longest time.

P went to T for advice, then P called me to tell me that T believes P and I will get back together and that T will help him. I got so heated and upset, so I sent at least 15 text messages at 10 A.M the next day telling T to butt out, and that he shouldn't help someone who can't be helped and especially how he feels about me. T texted me back very angry saying "histories speak for itself and you will get back with him." Later that day, he sent a long text message telling me "I only love you as friend, and because I didn't want to hurt you, I never said anything. My life will not be in the states and it's not you, I don't want a relationship in the states at all. I hope we can still hang out because I have always enjoyed your company" Tears went down my face like waterfall in public (i never cried in public, but this time i couldn't control it).

I distant myself from both P and T, I haven't talked to P for several months, but still managed to hang out with T on some occasions when friends were all together. Finally, I told T that I cannot see him anymore because I can't look at him in the eyes without feeling the pain aches my heart, so he suggested for us to stop talking, and I agreed. It took literally two weeks, then another friend's birthday. He was there, but I didn't talk to him much knowing we should avoid talking to each other. I was hanging around one of my guy friends all night because he was very protective and was helping me up and down the stairs. He had never met T before but he noticed T was giving him "the look" every time we walked by. I didn't bother to say anything to T about that, but told him to drive home safe and let me know when he's home.

Every weekend after that, there were always events that we happened to attend, there were tensions and awkwardness that everyone can tell something was odd. I finally brought up the issues that telling him that I don't like tensions, and at least be normal around people so no one has to ask what's going on. He asked me out to a movie so I said yes, but knowing I needed to keep my distant I invited another couple to go with. He ended inviting one of his friends to come along as well. The night was awkward more than ever, and he was being a complete jerk in front of my friends (a side I never witnessed before).

We all went back to my apartment to drink, everyone spent the night there. T and I shared a bed together. I kept my space in the corner without touching, but all the sudden, he leaned over and held me really tight. The whole night, I couldn't sleep because thoughts kept racing through my mind. The next morning, he grew distant again when my friends were around. Finally, I called him two days later to tell him I don't like the mixed messages and it will be better if I really stopped talking to him. We said our goodbyes and he's telling me that "this feels like a break-up and i hate break ups, but i'll be here when you're okay again." I was so confused because if someone who only loves me as a friend, why did it feel like a break up? It tore me apart for several weeks, and I couldn't get him out of my mind. I finally told him "whether or not we talk or stop talking, I like you and that's it, I don't want to push it but I'm just going to let it be." He replied "times is a powerful thing, and in time, you will let go of the feelings"

For a month a half, we didn't see each other. Finally, he invited me to have a late dinner with him. We talked like how we normally did, just about things that we like, and about our plans for the holidays. I can tell he was nervous as much as I was to be in each other's presence.

The next day, I had my christmas party. After drinking a lot, one of his friends pulled me inside my room and asking "what's going between you and T?" I didn't want to talk about it, but he kept saying "I know, I know, I can help you guys because he told me he likes you and you like him." Little did I know, I was bawling my eyes out, and blacked out. T stayed to take care of me because one of my friends told him "I don't care what you do, fix her because she's a mess"

I woke up after a few hours,  still drunk, but I was fine and I remember everything. I started questioning him what are his intentions. I told him I love him and he said it back. We ended up kissing and cuddling until morning. Before I left to go back to visit my parent's, I thought we were on a good term. When I was home, I texted him several times, but always took him a long time to answer (usually don't happen). Finally I called him and talked to him, asking how he felt and why did he kissed me. His responses were "I was drunk, and I don't feel the same way you do." I asked, "how do you feel then?" He said "I plead the fifth." After an hour and half conversation about other random things he said "I think you should be honest with P, he deserves to know," I don't care what P thinks at this point and I'm sure he's already suspects things. So I agreed to call P and talk to him.

I called P the next day telling him I have feelings for T, but I don't need approval from him. All P concerned were "did you hook up with T behind my back? did you try to hook up with T when we were together?" Even if I don't feel anything for the guy im in the relationship with. I wouldn't cheat on anyone. So I was offended that he kept asking me about that. Finally he said "I don't care what you guys do, it's not up to me, but you gotta be careful with T blah blah blah, and that he can keep a platonic relationship with any girl even if she's gorgeous, so don't keep your hopes up." I told him whatever, T is too loyal, so looks like you got what you want, which is not for us to be together so good bye.

I told T what P said, and that it makes me sad because T's loyalty will keep us apart. However, I am not willing to give up since I feel like what we have is so special, but T grew even more distant, though he still picks up when I called, but kept it really short. I decided to slowly stop talking to him again, and just be happy because I am happy by myself, I don't need a relationship to make me happy. I am afraid I'm losing the friendship and T for good. It makes me sad that feelings are there, but they are being ignored. It has been really hard when I think about T, tears just come down and I honestly don't know what to do. I haven't talked to him the way we used to, and in my heart, I feel like there's a large hole that I can't avoid. I don't think I will get to see him any time soon. I miss talking to him and miss being around him. I don't know what I should do or say to have at least our friendship back. Can anyone help?
DeeeN DeeeN
22-25
Jan 6, 2013