LoveLife In a Rut

17 was pretty tough. I suffered from a terrible acne problem that kept me from interactions for almost 2 yrs. Eventually I got treatment and was able to look people in the eye again. Got a bf, on and off. That didn't work out. Meanwhile, I was just going through life and not taking it seriously. I was having a lot of fun meeting people and hanging out. I dropped out of school and worked meaningless jobs. I dated one other person but stopped because he couldn't hold my interest. At 22, I met my current partner. I was strongly attracted to him. However, it was volatile from the start. He was insecure all the time and had a chip on his shoulder. He came with a lot of baggage. He started to work less and I started to cover his finances. He tried to find more work but was unsuccessful. Eventually, he stopped looking alltogether and was content with his 48-hour a month job. I worked more and borrowed to help him out. I brought it up a couple of times about him needing to work more but to no avail.

He was more adventurous in bed and I was not. I started to resent him for that also. We didn't do a lot of crazy things but I still felt uncomfortable about it. When we argued, which was often, I gave in placated him, and was there for him always even though I did not agree. Sex became a sore point. He wanted more and I didn't.

He also liked to drink too much and would say hurtful things and we would argue even more.

However, after almost every argument, he apologized. I got used to it. I stopped crying after a while because I realized he usually picked a fight with me when he was drunk. Sometime he didn't remember what he'd said.

7 years later...

We argue less these days, he quit drinking because he almost got arrested and I gave him an ultimatum, but he still works the same hours. Meanwhile, I finished school and work at an unfulfilling job because it pays me. He doesn't respect my career choice though. He is still trying to  finish school himself. Yes, I do still help him out unfortunately. He doesn't try to be adventurous in bed anymore which is ok with me.

However, there isn't much left after the destruction. I know I gave up so much of myself. I wanted to help so much and save him all the time. He spends most evenings playing with his computer games. I spend a lot of time reading and shopping and working long. We go out less because he doesn't like to shop which is understandable. But, getting him to go anywhere is such a chore.

One day, I was at work suffering from unbearable tooth pain. I was able to get an appointment with some random dentist. I left work and had my dad drive me to the appointment. I was speaking to the receptionist when this young man stood beside me. I thought he was the dental assistant. To my surprise, he was my dentist. We had a consultation, but the whole time I could not stop noticing how handsome he was. After some conversation, we found out that we were really close in age. Me 29, he 32. Anyways, I got 2 wisdom teeth extracted and it was over. He was very nice but said I needed to come back to get more work done. I've gone back three more times since then and he has been complimentary each time. First he said he liked me as a patient because I was so flexible. Second, he said I looked nice. We've chatted about non-dental stuff but nothing inappropriate. I have more dental work scheduled.

Anyways, I find myself looking forward to my appointments. I feel alive again because I have a secret crush. I've had them before, but this time it is different. I fantasize what it would be like to date someone knew. I don't think I would do anything about it. I am not a cheater. besides, why ruin the fantasy?

Since that fateful appointment, I am viewing my current relationship with new eyes and I am disgusted with myself. I am confronted everyday with an obvious void in my relationship. How could such a strong independent person like me  been so meek? I gave too much of myself and now I am so full of resentment. I let it build up. I did not fight hard enough. I thought money would solve our problems. I gave my bf the wrong impression of the person i really am.

Your probably wondering why I am still with this person. He's actually a good person. He's rid himself of a lot of the baggage. Most of the time we get along. He's always been honest with me. I am not even honest with myself. I am agreeable and tend to avoid conflict. He's questioned me about what I feel and I left many important things unsaid. My family loves him. (they don'tknow the financial situation) He can be really sweet and accomodating. He's changed a lot for me. He tries to please me. Sadly, in my misery, I've said things that are brutally honest. I could've been nicer. I told him that I don't want to help him financially and that I don't want to be the breadwinner. I've held out sex. I have withdrawn from him. All at once!

He senses something is wrong. We have argued. He thinks I don't want to be with him. He said I wanted to change him too much and I would probably not stop. I said that was not true.

In a way, he is right. I want him to be independent of me. I always want to change him because I am not satisfied. I always find more faults to nag him about. His looks, his apartment, etc..I can't satisfy him either. He says I nag him too much and I am argumentative.

We are co-dependent. I don't know if we even love eachother anymore orwe don't know how to function without eachother.

l452 l452
26-30, F
5 Responses Jul 25, 2007

I think your marriage can be an amazing marriage. I am in no way in a situation like you (boyffiend 'n all) but I identify with alot of the feelings you write about. I also tend to give to much of myself and end up being resentful. I, too, like to try to change people to be "nicer" people. But then I realize: It will NEVER work to change someone else. The only person I can change is myself. Changing myself creates a ripple effect and other people start changing too! <br />
Ill give some examples:<br />
- Just by smiling at someone, they smile back! why, if I didn't smile, they probably wouldn't either. So I did something within myself that had an effect on the other. It all comes through my own effort to work with myself. <br />
-My family is a very passionate family. Usually the passion is channeled into anger and annoyance, not love (unfortunatle). This passed year, I went away from home to learn. I changed so much and I felt I was able to GIVE love. I came home and hugged my sibling, explained instead of yelled, went on outings (that usually never happen). I made things better, i made the atmosphere a little better at home. And that was only through working on myself. I had no intention whatsoever of changing the person near me. I changed myself and I saw how they changed too :) suddenly my siblings love me, they listen to me. It was the most wonderful feeling...<br />
I don't know if what I'm saying makes sense to you or not. I hope it does and hope it helps maybe a teensy weensy bit. Just because I know some of those feelings, and I dont like it. I dont like it at all<br />
Lots of luck

I think your marriage can be an amazing marriage. I am in no way in a situation like you (boyffiend 'n all) but I identify with alot of the feelings you write about. I also tend to give to much of myself and end up being resentful. I, too, like to try to change people to be "nicer" people. But then I realize: It will NEVER work to change someone else. The only person I can change is myself. Changing myself creates a ripple effect and other people start changing too! <br />
Ill give some examples:<br />
- Just by smiling at someone, they smile back! why, if I didn't smile, they probably wouldn't either. So I did something within myself that had an effect on the other. It all comes through my own effort to work with myself. <br />
-My family is a very passionate family. Usually the passion is channeled into anger and annoyance, not love (unfortunatle). This passed year, I went away from home to learn. I changed so much and I felt I was able to GIVE love. I came home and hugged my sibling, explained instead of yelled, went on outings (that usually never happen). I made things better, i made the atmosphere a little better at home. And that was only through working on myself. I had no intention whatsoever of changing the person near me. I changed myself and I saw how they changed too :) suddenly my siblings love me, they listen to me. It was the most wonderful feeling...<br />
I don't know if what I'm saying makes sense to you or not. I hope it does and hope it helps maybe a teensy weensy bit. Just because I know some of those feelings, and I dont like it. I dont like it at all<br />
Lots of luck

you play this like you want. but I feel you should open up the marrage.and see other people give him the same rain to see others.when you know what each other doing it takes away the guilt.and allow each of you sexaul gradifacation.it worked for me and your story sounds a hell've lot like mine.besides you meet a lot of people that can futher your careers

You know what? I don't think I know how it feels like to be totally taken care of. I've always had to do the planning and executing. I wonder if I can even let a man do everything for once.

me again. yes you are right. I am dependent on his dependence. I don't think I can take the guilt if I end this relationship. 8 years is alot to throw away. I don't think I can face the questions from family and friends. MaybeI am jus t going through some phase. My bf told me that I am trying to mold him into the person that I want him to be and that he won't tolerate that. It is true, but I just want to make him into a less cynical, more responsible, and more tolerant person. Those are good qualities to have.<br />
I guess I internalized a lot of negative feelings about him and I must have reached my breaking point. You just don't start developing an interest in someone else overnight. I checked out other men all the time before and was never tempted to stray. I don't like the feeling of being interested in someone other than my bf. I am not a cheater. But I don't know If I am strong enough to resist. I really miss the feeling of being passionately in love. I am not talking about butterflies or a skippping heartbeat. I am talking about the feeling you get when you get lost in partner's eyes and your temperature rises at the slightest touch. I felt that once and I would like to feel it again.