Like Father, Like Daughter.
We can start with the fact that we all know that being a child of an alcoholic makes you more prone to alcoholism. I've been told this for as long as I can remember due to the fact that my dad is an alcoholic, my aunt is a recovering-alcoholic, my grandpa was an alcoholic, and my grandmother died from being an alcoholic. Then over the last 4-5 years I suspect my mother of creeping into the disease (finding her passed out on her bathroom floor, going out on weekdays, drinking alone at home, drinking every night).
During my school years in high school I usually only drank on weekends. There was the sporadic episodes, that usually only lasted a month or so, when I would drink on schooldays but I usually kept it to weekends. My party days started off heavy, slowed down, and then took a dramatic leap back up. My friends called me a "weekend alcoholic" as a joke because I drank heavily every weekend.
The worst times for me were the summers, when I had no responsibilities. I would drink every single day. For as long as I can remember I've never been able to just have one beer, and if I ever did it was because I was driving. Sadly enough though sometimes that didn't even stop me, unless a sibling was in the car with me. I can only remember driving drunk a handful (or two) of times, I usually always tried to stay at a friends house or have someone else drive. Every time I had a drink I wanted another and another, until I was drunk, and if the alcohol ran out, it was as if so had my fun and good time, I would feel very upset. The only time you could ever get me to stop drinking was if a friend was in need of my help, passed out, throwing up, you get the picture.
The last two summers of my drinking days were the worst for me. I would get drunk everyday and usually did some things I regretted in the morning. Having a beer at breakfast was no problem for me, I always used the excuse "one beer to get rid of the hang over" but in reality I usually wanted to finish what was left, IF I had left any. I would sometimes even drink when my friends didn't feel like it; the closest I've really come to drinking alone.
I never EVER became an emotional or angry drunk, until my last drinking episode; the last summer I drank. Before this summer I didn't consider myself an alcoholic, because normally when I started realizing I was drinking too much I would just stop. It was easy at first to quit, but then it got harder and harder every time I went back to stay away, each time getting worse and worse. Anyway, this last summer episode was the hardest. I drank my heaviest and most frequently. I also started to become an emotional drunk, not a crier, but an angry drunk.
I was dating a guy who lived 3 hours away, and almost every time I got drunk we would get in a fight over the phone. He had no problem yelling at me claiming I was an alcoholic, and for the first time, I believed someone. I remember calling him, so drunk I was puking my brains out, and him screaming,
"What the f*** is wrong with you? Why did you allow yourself to get this drunk? Your becoming an alcoholic Libby!"
I remember crying, because I was so scared he was right.
I even woke up near the end with my hands beginning to very lightly shake, I didn't know what it was, I figured just nerves, now I realize it was a sign of alcoholism.
I knew I wasn't a full blown alcoholic in the past, but I knew I had come close many times, particularly the last two summers. However I realized what was happening and I talked to my best friend explaining to her my fears of not wanting to become my dad or my grandma. She was helpful for the most part, she didn't stop me from drinking because she didn't think I was being completely irresponsible, but she did assure me she would never let me get to that point. She said it wasn't fun drinking without me, I was a fun drunk, but she didn't know the emotions that began to well up inside me that were tied to my drinking.
I finally stopped drinking with help from God and just not putting myself in situations where I would get tempted to drink. I know if I fall back again, it will be worse than the last and I don't want it to come to that. I truly believe I have every basis for becoming an alcoholic, where I won't be able to function.
Lately I've been able to be around alcohol without drinking it, I've come a long way. However I don't have a glass, because I know where that could lead.