Although I Shouldn't, I Still Hope For Another Chance...

Oh where to begin with my broken heart story that has me crying to sleep at night, and silently crying behind a smile during the day...

There's this guy whom I've somewhat known since Jr. High School. The reason why I say, "somewhat," because I never really talked to him, nor really bothered with him all that much. We merely just had a couple mutual friends together. Of course, I always thought he was cute and all but in true honesty, my attentions at the time were focus on someone else in school. He was a grade ahead of me and after Jr. High, went to the same High School together. Same situation like in Jr. High, still thought he was cute and funny but my crushing was on another guy. After High School he keep in touch with one of my best friends. They were like 'girlfriends' together. Always going out to lunch and stuff. But they never dated and it never went beyond friendship with the two of them. A couple times over the span of 10 years or so, I would see him at my friends house and it was yet the same situation, same feelings like in school. I just thought he was a nice, cool, cute guy - didn't think all that much about dating him. I think why was because every time I seen him or my friend would mention him, he was always hooking up with one of her other friends. One of which he totally fell for and was with for like 6 years. He was charming and I guess I just always considered him as a Playboy-type, and that's why I never took him so seriously or giving much thought. But that was THEN... LOL

Several months ago, just before the Christmas holiday, I was on a little well-known social network and decided to look for old friends and people I knew back in school. I can't remember if I may have did a search on his name or just stumbled upon him, but I found him listed there. Although him and I never really talked, I sent him a friend request of which he accepted. At the same time this was happening, I started talking to that mutual friend ours again after having not spoken to her in well over 10 years. Shortly after Christmas he private message me and we started talking and finally getting to know one another. After about 2 or 3 weeks of that, we exchanged phone numbers and took our conversations to talking or texting for hours at end. I told my friend that I found him and been talking to him and she told me that they had a fallen out several years ago and stopped talking. Well me, who's forever the fixer-upper of things - smooth talk both back into talking again. As for me and him, things were going great. He revealed to me that all those years he had "a thing" for me, but never really gotten the chance to talk. We hit it off wonderfully, had many things in command and could relate to one another on so many levels. Not to mention, there was also instant chemistry. More and more with each day, I falling. My friend asked me to ask him if we could watch him play darts one night. Seemed harmless enough, so I did and he said sure. Little did I know, one of his ex's is on his dart team, let alone the team captain is her best friend. Their was a bit of tension in the air that night. But not between him and I, confusion but not tension. After that night we done our usual thing of talking and texting. Then the following weekend after the dart team drama, he asked if I'd like to come spend the weekend with him. Because at this point I was falling hard, of course I agreed! He came, drove the 45-minute distance to pick me up and was the perfect gentlemen. Opening cars, you name. He asked in the car ride to house if I have seen the movie, "Twilight". I said no, but been wanting to see it to see what all the hoopla is about. He told me that his Mom just bought the DVD and if I want, he can go get it so we can watch. I said that sounds good. So there we, at his parents house - and I'm meeting his Mom and Step-dad. It went well, I suppose. The weekend was wonderful. We didn't do much but hang around, watched movies, talked, cuddled and so forth. Then the weekend was over and he brought me home. The next day, that Monday, I was meeting our mutual friend out for dinner. Since we were going to an Italian restaurant and he liked Italian food she suggested for me to ask him to come along, and I did. So he came along. It was a nice evening, probably would've been better if it was just him and me, though. After dinner the 3 of us went to a bar for some drinks and shoot a game of pool. But for some reason as the night progressed, he seemed a little distant. But when the night was over he kissed and hugged me goodnight. Later my friend and I were talking and she said she asked him what we (him and I) were and he said, "it's debating". Then she went on to tell me that she don't know, I seem to have him in the palm of my hands - the chemistry is there. The next night was his weekly dart game. Again, my friend asked me to ask him if we could go. I texted asking but no response. I just had this gut-wrenching feeling that he didn't want us there because of the drama with the ex and the best friend. So I told my friend, I asked but he didn't answer...and anyway think it's a bad idea. That night of the dart game I got tricked by my dear friend. We (along with another girl) were suppose to do a 'ladies night' at another bar - not the one he would be playing at. But since I wasn't the one driving, I didn't have much of a say where we were going. My friend up and decided to go to the bar where he was at, despite him not offering us to or my distinct feeling. When we got to bar and after he noticed us there, he came over to where we were sitting - kissed me hello, begun to tell us how good his dart game was going. The night started out fine up until it took a turn for the worst when him and my friend had a conversation together. I was sitting say, 5 feet away from them talking to the other girl that came with us that night. I could only hear like 4 or 5 words that were being said between them and from what I could hear, it wasn't pretty. He said (from what I could make out), "I really went for her at first but she plays games ... She plays that game ... This is what she said to me ... She's outta shape ... She lost her looks ..." Initially, I thought he was talking about his ex or the ex's best friend. Then the conversation between him and my friend turn into a full-blown heated argument. So, we left to avoid a fight or whatever breaking out. In the car I found out just who the conversation was about - ME. I was completely dumbfound and shell-shocked. But call it denial if you want, my friend is known for twisting things and had a little secret crush on him for years. So I decided I really needed to hear his side before deciding on what I should do. I called and texted him on several occasions, but never a response. After over a week had gone by, I started noticing that he had been snooping around my profiles on the social networks that him and I were on. So I put up a status message directed at him on one of them saying, "I'm sorry, care to start over with a fresh bottle of milk? I promise to behave." He read it I suppose, because the day after he private messaged me saying that he wasn't mad at me, he just didn't want to talk to anyone for a while. We kinda picked things up from where they left off. And about that night, every time I asked for his side of the story, he blames it on too much to drink that night and he really doesn't remember. Okay granted he could've just been in a drunken-stupier that night, but it did seem odd that he pretty much remembers every thing else from that night. But hey, I was in love and happy to be [with] talking to him again. So despite what I heard with my own ears, I forgive and forgot. Like I said, we picked off where left off before all that broke out. Talking and texting over time not slacked a bit, but it eventually got to the point where it was always me calling and texting. Seeing him was just about once every week or so. Me always driving to visit. Don't get me wrong here, I did have yellow flags waving... Things seem to be cooling down. I went from being a possible girlfriend to a friend with benefits like 0-60 mph in 0.3 seconds. But I was in love and determined to win him back some way or another. Eventually I did grow tired of me being to only one here pushing to make something of us and started asking and at times demand things, like why you don't visit me or want to do things together, etc. His excuse was always, "You live so far... Work has been slow, lack of money..." Again, I've giving him the benefit of the doubt because after asking someone that works with him - yes work hard slow down and most are being paid almost half (he works construction, btw). But still I wondered why I had been downgraded so quickly in status. I did ask if he still liked me, he yes and that he enjoys having me around. But when I asked for us to be a item, I got the, "I'm not looking to get into a relationship right now" line. Again, more yellow flags waving but I always followed my gut and it was saying its just not the right time. Not only him, but so do I need to get my ducks in a row so to speak. Then one Sunday late evening he texts me out of the blue. "Wake up, I need to bug someone." I thought, is he coming around, is this a good sign? We texted back and forth for a couple hours. Our typical cute and playful conversations we always have. He keeps hinting that he doesn't want to go to work the next morning because of his bother and that he'll need to not be home when his bother comes to get him for work in the morning. Finally I took the hint offered him to come over. In all honesty I thought I was going to get the "I don't have the gas, money talk" but he said okay. We hung out by the lake for the entire night. Talking and laughing. But no romantic stuff. No kisses, none of it. I was a bit sad, but gleaming with happiness because he finally made the trip over to see me. Then it came time for him to leave. I suggested I wanted a hug goodbye and gave me one, a friendly one. It wasn't like the hugs he use to give me. And I told him that I missed him. He looked kinda nervous and said thanks, it was fun. I was sad that I didn't get a "I miss you" back, but by this point I've grown use to I guess. So he got into his truck and I got into my car and we went our separate ways.

The next couple of days after I keep replaying every word, every gesture, every look over and over in my head. I just didn't get it. The connection is still there and so is the chemistry. But it's like he has a block up when it comes to me. It's like he was waiting and in the meantime his feelings changed. Maybe I pushed to hard. This had gone on for a few months before I grew tired of being a friend with benefits, and all the constant trying to whim him over started to seem hopeless. I text him saying, "This is killing me. I cannot take being something in the middle to you. I wanna be more then friends. I want to be whatever it was we were in the beginning - before my friends interference, before the dart team drama. I hope we aren't at the point of no return and try to fix what happened between us. We're no longer on the same page and I hope we can work on that and see what happened." I even mentioned in the text that the guy I just started seeing, I'm breaking it off with him because I have no feelings for him. All he texted back was, "Give your heart time, don't give up on the guy you're seeing." I said, "My heart isn't with him and that's not fair to him." "You shouldn't give up on someone because of someone else", he replied. So I said, "there's no hope then" He said, "why is there no hope?" I said, "because of what you just said. Anyway, this isn't about me and him - it's about you and I and how you feel and what you want." Well, that just ended it. He never replied back to me - never. Not even to this day, which is now almost 2 months. I texted him a couple times asking for a reply to my text - nothing. I got so mad (and I tend to act out on impulse when I mad), I removed myself from his friend lists on the social networks we were on together. Which now, I feel is a big mistake on my behalf. After a couple days I tried sending him a friend request and he declined it. I messaged him trying to explain why I removed myself, I'm sorry, and I do wish to be at least friends. I will just need time to heel and get over him, if it is that he doesn't wish to be with me romantically. Nothing, no response or acknowledgement - just plain out right ignoring me. I still try and text him every now and then, although I know the wisest thing to do is to back off completely. But if it all must come to an end, I really do wish it would end on a positive note - I just feel like I'm on his s--tlist or he's mad at me or something. In a way I think maybe this may be like last time, because he hasn't blocked me from any of his profiles. And believe you me, if he had in head that he wasn't gonna speak to me no more - I would definitely be on his blocked list. In truth, part of me is still in denial and knows it and the other part is slowly somewhat becoming content with him being gone. One day I hate him because towards the end he was just taking a free ride off of my expense - using me, the next day I love and miss him dearly and start praying, wishing and hoping he would at least talk to me again. What hurts the most is this overwhelming feeling of finding someone I've been looking for and then letting him slip away through my fingers. And this broken heart... yeah I've had my heart broken before, many many times over. But this one is gonna be hard to get over, truly hard. What more can I say, what is there to do when one is in love with someone who will never love them back?
DamagedHeartGirl DamagedHeartGirl
36-40, F
3 Responses Aug 12, 2010

I can't offer any majical solutions to heartbreak...we all share that little horror...timing is all, I think, in relationships. I've met women I wanted terrifically, but the timing was off...just let yourself heal and beleive there's another man in you future picture, however removed and opaque he might seem

I can't offer any majical solutions to heartbreak...we all share that little horror...timing is all, I think, in relationships. I've met women I wanted terrifically, but the timing was off...just let yourself heal and beleive there's another man in you future picture, however removed and opaque he might seem

I can't offer any majical solutions to heartbreak...we all share that little horror...timing is all, I think, in relationships. I've met women I wanted terrifically, but the timing was off...just let yourself heal and beleive there's another man in you future picture, however removed and opaque he might seem