Starting To Hurt

I am not proud of myself, yet I am in a situation that I am finding very hard to get out of.  I only have my closest female friend to talk to about it, as she is the only one who knows.  I've been involved with the same married man for at least 20 years.  In the beginning it was just a sexual relationship, he is older than I am.  I moved on, moved away went on with my life, had kids and have been divorced for awhile now.  This married man and I have been seeing each other again for a year or so, we do not get to see each other very often but I am finding that my feelings and emotions are starting to take over when we are together and have to leave each other.  We see each other socially more often than our times we are alone, and it is now bothering me that I am often ignored out in public.  He tells me he really cares about me, and I do want to believe him, he tells me things about his marriage and it not being good.  I want to believe that someday.  But is that something all of us who are involved with married me say to ourselves?  It is starting to hurt when I leave him, when he does not call, when I see him out in public and only a casual "Hello" is spoken.  
I don't know what to do, I've told myself that I will not see him again, and ignore his calls for awhile, only to give in because I miss talking to him.  I miss having him hold me!  Really lost on what to do!  I am scared that if I give him an ultimatum that it won't be what I want to hear!  I just want to sit down and cry!
lovemycowboy lovemycowboy
41-45, F
9 Responses Aug 8, 2010

He's using you for sex.....You feel lonely and are taking what you think is all that is available. It's not easy, I know...But there are other guys out there who will be out in public with you. It's only because you're not feeling good about yourself that you let someone who is married to another take all of your emotions. They're not worth it. Believe me. YOU are worth more. It's hard when you're lonely. Especially when you have someone who you know who says all the right things to get exactly what THEY want. What about YOUR wants? There is someone out there who will care about you and your needs and wants....THIS guy does not. And, statistically speaking, never will.

Well, this was to be expected.

how much do u lov him? is he sweet n nice?

Lovemycowboy..if its hurting then its time to leave..no ultimatum,no prolonged dissection..you have to love you more and you is the one hurting..so help you out and let this one go..not easy I know BUT easier than holding on in pain ..love to you xx

Babylove02, I am hoping that I have the courage to tell him that I don't want to be with him like this! I managed to miss 4 or 5 calls from him yesterday, and not on purpose. I am hoping he tries to call again today! I have things I want to say, and things I need answers to. I am going to talk to him on the phone because I will not be able to say the things I want to say in person! Wish me luck, because it is all or nothing at this point!

I too am in a relationship with a married man. It is a very hard situation. He is my best friend and we have the same circle of friends. We hooked up almost 8 years ago on a whim. We tried to pretend like it didn't happen but we could not let go of each other. We decided that we wanted to be together and that nobody needed to know. We planned to stay with our spouses until all of our kids were grown. Unfortunately our plan was ruined when my husband passed away. Now I have been single for the past 4 months and it is driving us both crazy. He wants to be with me, but he cannot leave the kids. His wife knows about our relationship, although she does not approve, he told her that he will never leave me because he is in love with me. She is fully aware of our feelings for each other, and since I am now single, she will no longer allow him to talk to me. We now have to sneak around through text messaging and using our work phones. <br />
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It is starting to take a toll on me that I cannot have him to myself. Over the years we have discussed what would happen if one of us got divorced and we both agreed we would continue the undercover relationship until the other was free. Now that we are in this situation, I cannot handle it. It kills me to know that I am the one he loves, yet he refuses to leave her. He tells me that he doesn't love her, he is not in love with her, and he only wants to be with me, but as a man who grew up without a father, he cannot leave his children. I completely understand, but I am still stuck between what is right and what I want. <br />
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I told him yesterday that I do not want to be with him like this. I am not happy and I deserve happiness. He explained to me that he will not have me sleeping with other men. He is begging me to stay with him. He tells me he needs me and that I am the woman of his dreams. He says that if he could go back and change things he would. He says that he wishes I was his wife and the mother of his children. HE SAYS ALL THE RIGHT THINGS!!!!! I just cannot share him any longer. He has 3 kids, ages, 10, 8, and 4. It will be YEARS before he can be free. I can't wait that long!<br />
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I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!!!! <br />
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It isn't starting to hurt.......it is continuously hurting!!!!

No, I don't "think" I am falling in love with him. I have fallen in love with him!

No, I honestly am not confusing my feelings toward him for loneliness. It has been 20 years since this all began. I do have very strong feelings for him. I am a very independent person, and do really well on my own being a single mother, and am well educated. If it were just a matter of being lonely I would easily be able to let him go and find someone else to fill that empty feeling. I am just lost as I am wanting more than we have now, and would love to see where it could go if there were not ties that bound him. During our last conversation I feel he wants that also but is scared to lose everything he has worked so hard for all of his life. We have a lot in common, and it would be so great to be able to do those things with him instead of him doing it alone, and me doing it alone.<br />
I think I am falling in love with him!

Are you lonely because you are no longer married? <br />
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Are you confusing your lonely need for an emotional feeling toward this man?<br />
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It is easy to want anyone when you are lonely.