2am And Missing You.Daddy I can't sleep. I'm missing you terribly. You passed in 2004 and it still seems like yesterday. I remember being the last one to see your coffin before they led you away to where mum was. Oh god daddy, the pain, loneliness and tears! I was crying so hard my eyes swelled almost shut. after all those years of separation between us tearing at my soul was so much to bear. then when aunt .. Called to tell me you were on your deathbed, I just couldn't Beleive it! It didn't seem real. I was so disassociated ,I was just going through the motions of daily life not even being aware of what I was truly doing. Seeing you was really bad for me daddy. I'm so happy we were reunited again,and that I was able to be there for you so you could write on the notepad. Oh daddy it was less than a week. I'd come visit every day G Supporting me. Good old MCG he was with me my whole life. You loved him too, I know. Oh daddy when they left me alone with you I was so afraid. I had to give you medicine when you'd panic, I helped you to the toilet. It's something I had experience taking care of people,but when it comes to your own family ,you seem to have a barrier of fear, and I did ,and I panicked taking care of you . Then I had a panic attack and M had to take over. Oh daddy I wanted to be their when you passed but truly I didn't feel wanted. Then 7:30 am the next morning she called me to tell me you passed. Honestly I was glad for you. Your suffering in this lifetime has passed. But daddy you left one daughter hating you and another daughter wondering if she was ever loved. I remember standing over your casket begging to know if you ever loved me! You never ever told me daddy. I read a book on the love languages of love. I tried to figure out your love language and to this day, I can't figure it out. Daddy did you love me? I would go to your grave and tend it. I would tend mums too, and honestly I would be conflicted every time. At the ceremony for you in the church everything said about you was wonderful. The sad thing is I didn't know those memories, all I knew was pain,terror, and my love for you. I always loved my daddy. No matter how hard you hit me, or you taking off leaving me alone, I wanted my daddy. Time has passed and I still live in fear. I have a ton of meds I have to take because of you, but daddy I still love you. I go to therapy to try to work through my painful past. I have you hung in my bedroom. I have your mum and your da too. Also in my bedroom I have pictures of the kids, mum and you on an alter candles are lit twenty four hours a day.my beloved family. In the living room I have another alter just for you and mum. Again candles are lit twenty four hours in honor of my parents I love so much. I'm working to understand my pain. I can go to my grave knowing that I forgive you , and that makes me feel at peace DUA. You will always be.a part of me. I love you daddy! Even though you didn't know it. You were loved by many! And your death broke so many hearts. There was nobody like you daddy.
I love you daddy!
Nobodyishome 36-40, F 1 Response 3 Jan 31, 2012