First Story

Alright, since this is my stupid group I'll share my first sad online dating story. I want everyone to know this isn't just for dating horror stories. This is for the people who screw up their chances too. I haven't had many bad dates, but I've sunk a few ships. If you haven't done that then get the **** out because I don't want to be lonely.

I scored a date with a girl who looked like Fiona Apple. She was cute. And young. She was the exact age of my ex, whom had **** dumped  me only a month earlier after two years. In my state at the time I took her age to be a bad omen.



We met up to have coffee. She was shy but had a nice bum, and was still cute in person. I thought I'd lucked out. I had, I was just too stupid at the time. More to come on that. We talked about god knows what. I was in my ex's territory at the time and all I could think about was how I'd love to just get in my car, cruise by my ex's old place, throw myself on her door step and whimper until she opened the door and let me back in. Well I didn't do that because that'd be gay.

This Fiona Apple girl invites me back to her place to watch a movie. I'm thinking, "wow, she must really want to do it." So I say yes, but inside I'm all torn up with nerves. We get back to her place and go into her kitchen. She says, "Do you want something to eat?" Yeah. "So what do you know how to make?" Nothing. What a weird girl. Why would I make us something to eat at her place on the first date? Don't be weird.

Then her black land lady comes down. Fiona rents a room, and the owner is a black lesbian who doesn't want boys sleeping over. She sizes me up. I feel like I'm meeting the parents. I think I do okay. We bust out the pop corn. Everything is fine. For some reason the tv is unplugged, the black lesbian goes to plug it in for us and wastes her head on the fire place. The clunk echoes through the living room. I have to hide my laugh. The urge to giggle insanely doesn't go away for another hour.

We watch, "Talk to Her." It's this weird foreign film by Almodóvar. I had to look up his name. I used to be a film student but I don't keep this **** on file.

Anyway we watch the scene where some 1 inch tall dude crawls into a girl's cooch. It shows it graphically. We say nothing. All I can think of is how ******* weird this is. On top of that, my stomach starts rumbling. Not the kind of rumbling where you skipped a meal. This is like holding in a fart rumbling. Well, I held that bastard in anyway and my stomach rumbled all night. She said, "Your tummy is rumbling." I was like, "Yup."

We hugged, I left. I made a sweet joke about that girl from the movie having a vagina that smelled like something crawling up there and dying. Wish I thought of that on the spot but I was younger and less witty.

Later, she invited me over for a booty call and sent me some pictures of her amazing legs in garter belts and stockings. I said, "It's kinda late." It was like 3 AM in the morning and I lived an hour away from her. And she had the black lesbian land lady who didn't want boys over. I decided it'd be easier to just regret it later instead of facing all that awkwardness.

That was my second experience in online dating. Not so bad? Nope, but I missed out on an easy lay.

station9 station9
26-30, M
Mar 5, 2010