Thriving On Sadness

I've been depressed for so long.
When I was 10-12 years old my mom was as at rock bottom and my piece of shite dad wasn't around.
We were feeling pretty low, and everytime my dad made my mom cry I wanted to kill him. I decided no one else was capable of handling our problems so, I would do everything in my power to make a better life for her and my new baby brother.
Previously I was in a bad slump and would frequently go months somethimes without even stepping outside.
By 12 years old I had planned out my suicide but I knew it would kill my mom and I couldn't hurt her, so I didn't.
At age 16 I started work at a resturaunt and had to put up with my jacka$$ bosses for 3 years.
At age 18 I moved out and let my mom know if she ever decided to leave dad, or one of my brothers got kicked out, they would always have a place to go.
Age 19 I started my own bussines as a locksmith and another one online as a perfume maker.
After all this I was still feeling prety low so I tampered with drugs and got hooked on pot. Eventually kicked it. Now I start every morning with a shot of Crown being very carefull not to get addicted. I periodically go a week or 2 without to make sure I'm okay.
I would give up my life in anstant for my friends but I can't stand being around them much. I had a best friend but she wasn't around when I really needed someone. No one was. I think that's why I'm so distrustful. I avoid people in social contexts but if they were in trouble they know they can trust me for anything and I'll be there.
One of them thought they were going to die and said she felt comfortable asking me to help look after her 3 kids. I hate kids. But she knew that.
If you've read this far, you'll be relieved to know I've come to the culmination of my story.

I've only ever nown sadness. If I lose that, I lose myself. I can't handle 'happy'.
That's why someone would want to be depressed. I'ts what I've become.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 23, 2013