I Guess I Should Clarify Something

I created the group and chose the word "depressed" because I decided to use the word to mean what people commonly mean by it:  down, gloomy, sad, feeling isolated.  Folks on EP would latch onto that word, say, "Yep, that's me," and we could talk about why we keep on doing this to ourselves.  I used the word "depressed" because I thought it communicated well.

Strictly speaking, I'm not really making myself depressed.  You probably aren't either.  I'm not even sure whether it's possible for anyone to make him/herself depressed in any kind of clinical sense.  I know what the symptoms of depression are, and I certainly have experienced mild, genuine depression before--even been treated for it.

But I think there are at least two clear ways to know when a person is dealing with genuine depression:  When a person has given up on himself, or is on the verge of giving up on himself, so that he doubts he will ever get his life together, and (similarly) when a person looks at life and every situation and asks, "What's the point?"  This second mark is described as apathy.

I don't score with either mark.  I haven't given up on myself.  And about most things, I'm not apathetic.  

But I hurt.  Sometimes I feel like my insides are being shredded.  And for this Experince Group it doesn't really matter why I feel like this--for me it's related to relationships and longings and love and a bunch of stuff about who I really am--but what does matter is that I WOULD RATHER FEEL THE PAIN AND FEEL MESSED UP THAN GO BACK TO DULL COMPLACENCY!

I use lots of music and a little alchohol, and I can predictably shove myself down to the bottom of an emotional well where I can just ache by myself for however long I need to be there.  The music brings to my mind people and bittersweet fantasies and losses and causes me to question what I'm doing here.  I start to act really confused.  I feel my heart breaking.

No one in my family likes to be around me when I'm in one of these "depressed" moods (I think a more accurate word is melancholy), but I keep going through it because something inside me tells me this is how I'm working through something--something I don't really understand.

Weird, huh?  But that's my story.

romanticidiot romanticidiot
46-50, M
4 Responses Feb 19, 2009

I totally understand this. I was wondering if it's my fault that I end up in these deep dark "holes" and thus Google led me here. Before I couldn't really explain it, or even understand it really but I think you've summed it up quite nicely. It's like I NEED to feel this way sometimes. Without it, I never really appreciate the good days, I just go into the numbness until I break down again. It's a long cycle I've been experiencing for 3, nearly 4 years now. Sometimes I just want out, I want to get away. I loath myself and hate the world. But then some days... I love who I am. I have confidence in myself and feel like I can do something with my life. But these cycles wear me down. Especially in college. I will do great, until I go through one of my "depressed" periods again, and then I fall behind. Whenever I'm up again though I have to try to get my **** together and pick up on everything I've slacked on. It's frustrating.

I think I understand what this is.<br />
I know that whenever I'm feeling really depressed or apathetic I kind of enjoy it in a way.<br />
Which is strange as I don't really experience joy on a normal basis.<br />
<br />
I think part of me wants to be a victim. If I'm a victim then I don't have to mentally bear responsibility for my actions. I think I understand something now just from making this comment.<br />
I only enjoy it because I feel chained down in my normal life.

Hi Hitoarazu,
I see by the date that u wrote this a while ago(!),
but, if this reaches you,
----can u say more about what u wrote,
when u thought u understood something from making the comment?
About in a way wanting to be in the victim position, avoiding responsibility, and
the last sentence (i didn't get): about enjoying it because of feeling chained down in normal life?

I recognise myself in your words, and
am looking at the cycle of returning to
old stories in which i am sad and small, afraid, and
retreat again from life.

Thanks Raquela. No, you don't sound cold or harsh. Overall, I'm doing better now then when I wrote the original post. But you're right about being in agony--I still feel often enough that I don't know how I'll keep going on.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I think I should take down the darkest posts I've written here on EP, especially if they were over-the-top when I wrote them because I was in so much pain. What do you think?

Thank you athena and sahira. It's a comfort that anyone "gets it." I think what I'm going through has the potential to slip into clinical depression, but I don't think that's where I'm at. Working through sh!t is never fun or or easy.