The Healing Started

I don't know anybody who isn't affected by their past  to an extent, i was a child with the heart and personally that just couldn't handle being yelled at, hit or rejected. I was a serious minded child eager to forgive and forget.. I don't think my family knew just how much i heard, from phone conversations to insulting murmurs,  the list seemed never ending. At a young age i decided i was leaving, if i had to work till i dropped that was better than being someone's maid and the one seen at the butt of every joke. The pain i endured was what sent me in the wrong direction.. i felt i had to completely  dislodge myself from them personally.. i started pushing everyone away. Over time i became so good at it, i couldn't stop. I disassociated myself to the extent of hurting myself emotionally. I knew there had to be a happy medium, a solution that would not put in the middle of pain. It seemed that every problem i encountered in some ways always had my family behind it. No matter where i turned the chaos never ended. I figured if i could be personally unappealing socially , they'd leave.  they did.. that's when the battle between hurt and loneliness came in. The fear of it happening again was enough to keep me right where i was. Today i'm a much happier person, i found god and he showed me that i was beautiful even though i had to be so crappy just to have peace. I can see where my family went wrong, and now i can see the good they were trying for in my life that i rejected, and couldn't look at.

It was either find any love that could be there, or believe that they didn't love me at all either way was fine considering i hadn't seen any of them in over twenty yrs. I figured i wasn't losing anything by choosing both. The voices of the past and the pain that i denied came back to haunt me... they were issues i had never cared about, nor did i intend to do anything about it. Until the day i sought salvation and in my screaming desperation reached my hand out to the one and only, on my knees i wept, fearing my hand would not be chopped off.. He came to me not when i needed him but when i wanted it to happen. Night after night i cried listening to fish station. my hands raise to him, with aload of hurt i laid at his feet. Change me god i prayed, i'm lost, alone and i;m unlovable, forgive me! The lord began to show me things in my life that i did for someone else, the love i gave them just because. Certainly that proves that my heart didn't lie to me, but what was i telling it? it was the painful words spoken to me that under pressure and physical pain i accepted.  It was time to let it go. They were lies! every single one. That's when i began to heal, i'm still healing. God isn't done with me yet.
peachfuzz68 peachfuzz68
41-45, F
2 Responses Feb 25, 2012

i feel like home

Thank you for your kind words, it hasn't been easy but now i know what not to do. Forgiveness has always been followed with regrets, but now i embrace it knowing the truth i can love, and be loved.