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Tonight's Prayer

Father, I am lost.
I am so small, so alone, and I feel so awfully abandoned. Lately I have given myself nothing but hell, thinking it was life giving me hell. All this time, it was me.
I am such an idiot, father. I miss him so much. But I should know better than telling him that. I should know better than letting my moodswings out on him. I should know better than remembering. But I do, and it hurts so. And now he thinks I've lost my mind. I can't really blame him. I must sound pretty desperate with all the crap I am flooding him over with.
I can't handle this rejection, father. I know it was me. I know not being able to take his pain away was my weakness. I know not being able to capture him was one of my flaws. I know that. But I needed him so much more than I ever showed him.
Seeing him in the pain I have seen him in was the most terrible thing I have ever witnessed in my life. I watched him sleep and I wished, I prayed, I begged for it all to just go away and give my loved one his smile back. I wanted so much for him to be happy. I was dying everytime he was suffering. I wanted it to go away so badly.
So why, father, didn't it? Why couldn't I keep the only one I have ever loved, even though I begged so much to be allowed to stay with him? Why couldn't I just be with him, why couldn't we just be happy? Why couldn't I ever find the right frequency when I was talking to him? Why do I have to fail everything? Why? If I was never meant to be with him, where did that silly knowledge come from? That crazy little connection with him, did I dream it? That moment time stood still, when something told me this is the one, did I hallucinate? If I did, why?
Father, I know I have no right to ask you for any favors. I know I am not a good person, even though I want to be one so badly. But I just wanted someone to understand me, to love me for who I am. Someone I could help. And when this unconditional love for him came over me, I thought it was right. But it wasn't right, was it? I am so broken. I know I shouldn't be overreacting, but my heart is falling apart. Please, please make him understand. Please give him back to me. Please.
In the mean time, father, you have to take care of him. Please do. He needs it so.

Amen.
 

JojaRodenaLente JojaRodenaLente 18-21, F May 1, 2009

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