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Phase 24

My life goes in phases. It seems that in this point in time, every other person I come across is either mad at me, or is done with me. It’s like this every year, always right around the same time. Sometimes people dream up things and decide that they are going to be upset with me, whereas other times, there are actual feasible reasons.
I’m upset in every way, and I hurt in most places. Even my own body is upset with me. But, I’m okay. 24 has been quite the year for me, and with 4 months left, and the grand crescendo closing in, I’m beginning to get slightly nervous, but I think it will be okay.
I’ve experienced many things this year, and I’m still wondering…was I in love? I feel like I was getting close, and I sure would like for things to be different, but they are what they are, and I have come to terms with the fact that there are some things I simply cannot change.
This phase of 24 is painful, but not nearly as painful as other stages of this age. I remember last year at this time, feeling like things were gearing up tightly, in a bad way. Right now, I feel like looking ahead is almost as terrifying as looking behind.
Perhaps it is simply my time to be hated, but with hate comes disconnects, and with disconnects comes new connections. I’m trying to date again, but not whole heartedly. The idea of being with someone is extremely appealing. Ryan wants to be with me, and that makes me feel good, but I know that I don’t feel the same.
Some mornings, I feel that I am on the verge of making a huge mistake. I sometimes feel that the mistakes I’ve made are stacking against me.
I pay my bills, I have good credit, and I even have a savings account. But the mistakes outside of that are often harbored by the most unlikely characters in this life. I’m at a point where sobriety isn’t something I’m striving for. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning and when I reach up to grab something it’s not there, or it’s very loose. My thoughts are an incoherent frenzied state of sadness, loneliness, anger, subtle rejoice, and often numb. Am I a sad girl? Not today. Today I am a numb girl. What is this happiness I seek? I’m not quite sure. I’m on my own again, but living with my best friend in the world. My need to party needs to cease because as I get older, the partying will become harder and harder for me.
Most of my fellow taureens are in this place with me. I feel more comforted by this fact, more than ever before. Knowing that someone else is unhappy for similar reasons helps me. Perhaps when I’m drowning, I’m not actually drowning. Perhaps I’m conforming or maybe I’m simply growing more. I’ve grown a lot this year, and walking away from certain things in my life has been much easier than before.
These social networks are becoming toxic. I never used them before, and now I can’t stop. Though, today, I believe I will stop. I don’t much feel like it. If someone has something they need to say, they can say it to my phone. Not my webpage.
valkor5 valkor5 22-25, F Feb 3, 2012

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