What Do I Do Now?

My fiance and I have been together for about 4 years now. I proposed to her by asking her family for their permission and their blessing to marry her. I knew that she wasn't perfect, but then again, neither am I. She had medical issues that put her in constant pain. I knew about them, and I didn't care. I thought that beneath the pain, there was a loving heart. We have had arguements, and I was always the one that apologized first, and quite often, I found her not apologetic for her part in our arguments. It was as if she truely believed that she could do no wrong.

Then came last week. Sunday, she was teasing me about not being a nice guy, simply because I didn't make her a cup of coffee. Well DAMN IT, I brewed the **** for her and then went about doing other work around the house, while she sat looking up stuff on ebay that we couldn't afford. She pissed me off, because there I was trying to work on the house so that we could spend some time together, and she wants to fault me for not walking to the other end of the house where she was, making up her coffee for her and bringing it to her. When I told her as much, she got all pissed off that, 1. I didn't get that she "was just teasing", and that I could, "stand there with a straight face and be that rude to her." Well, I told her that she had pissed me off. That no, I didn't get that she was teasing, but that her words had hurt, and that I would just like her to apologize. She replied that she REFUSED TO APOLOGIZE because she hadn't done anything wrong. GOD DAMN IT!!! YOU HURT ME!!! And of course, when I tell her that by refusing to apologize when the person is obviously hurt by her words and hurt even further by her refusal to apologize, she calously dismisses my feelings by turning back to her damn ebay account and saying over her shoulder that i WOULD GET OVER IT.

2 days later, we were both uncomfortable with each other. I have no idea what she was feeling because I was too hurt and pissed off with her attitude towards me and my feelings. I felt like she put her pride before our relationship. She asked me to talk to her. I told her that I was still too pissed off. She said that she was pissed off also. I have no idea what she had to be pissed off at, but she wanted to know what I was feeling so I let her have it. I let it all out. And the more I talked and yelled about how I felt, the more pissed she became. She still refused to apologize. She said that she DID feel remorse and that she had intended to apologize, but wanted to hear my side of it first, but after she did hear my side of it, she was even more adamant about not apologizing.

Then it happened.....

I grabbed her.I put my arms all the way around her and held her tight in anger. I did NOT swing at her or make a fist towards her or put her in any kind of punishing hold. I just wrapped her up in my arms and wouldn't let her go. She fought me. She got one of her arms free and started to hit at me. I let go long enough to grab that wrist, turn her around and grab hold of her other wrist. i tried to lay her down on the bed, so that I could get her under control, but at that point, her 13 year old daughter comes into the bedroom and starts screaming at me to let her go and starts attacking me. So, i swing my fiance around to put her between her daughter and me, and start telling both of them that I will let her go if everyone will calm down. I said that at least 4 times, and I meant it. that is when I got bit. She reaches down to bite the arm that was holding her. It hurt like hell. So, I let her go and push her away from me. She stumbles and falls into the TV cabinet. now, the daughter comes at me again, even after I have very obviously let go of her mother. I take hold of her wrist as she is swinging at me, turn her around, and push her in the direction of her mother, and the bedroom door. At no point do I make any move to go after them. Well, my fiance grabs her daughter and gets out of the bedroom, yelling, "now look what you have done" back at me and how she is going to call the cops. I knew that I was in trouble. I know that my mind snapped. I knew that I had crossed a line that can't be crossed. I waited there for the cops. I called my family and told them that the next time they hear from me, that I would be in jail. I was ok with that. i understood that I broke the rules, that in grabbing her, I was guilty of domestic violence. My family told me to grab some clothes and get out. I told them that I had no where to go. What finally convinced me was when they said that I could always turn myself in later, but that I didn't need to be there at the scene of such emotional turmoil.

That was a week ago today. It turns out that she never called the police. She wanted me to come home that night, but I wasn't about to go back into that hornets nest. That night, I spent the night at a motel. The next day, I started making arrangements to go home to Texas where my family lives. I had to wait until all of her children had left the house before I went back and got the rest of my stuff. She wanted to know why I was so willing to throw away everything we had built. i wanted to know why she put her pride before my feeling and our relationship. Neither one of got the answers we wanted. i told her that all it would have taken was two words from her and that fight would have never happened. I didn't even care if she meant them or not, i just wanted to hear her say that she was sorry. But apparently she couldn't bring herself to say those two simple words.

So, here I am. A week later. I am back in Texas. My family is happier. My friends are happier for me. I am working for a buddy of mine(even though I don't know if he can pay me enough). And I am away from her particular brand of insanity. I am starting over. I miss her. I still love her, even with all of her **** that I have put up with and lived through. But right now, her family would rather skin me alive than look at me. I don't think that I can look at her without wanting to go confess to the police so that they could get me away from her. I have given and given and given so much that now, I don't know who I am or what I am doing. I am on autopilot, hoping that everything will be alright. I feel elated to be free. I feel terrified to be free. It feels wonderful to be on my own. It feels so horrible to be on my own.

What do I do now?
Maagrath Maagrath
41-45, M
1 Response May 8, 2012

You jump back on the band wagon keep on going and day by day slowly realizing things will be ok and through the process of anger hurt and pain you will realize you are a wonderful person a good person and whatever did happen happened for a reason and you will correct whatever is wrong with you and then someday be that old friend I knew and loved so long ago u know I will always be there to support you through this time I still love u my friend wth all your nutty quirks you could always make me smile even through the worst of times and still do so smile