It's Over..

I wrote previously about John and his inability to communicate and be open emotionally.. Well, it's been a rough couple weeks. The truth is, we are both jaded from our time together. We'd become hypersensitive to each other to the point that it was a good day if we didn't bicker about SOMETHING during the course of our time together.

I'd been thinking about this for months.. putting an end to it. There's so much wrong with us, I don't think there's a way to fix it. Deep down, I know that he is a deeply sensitive, caring man..but he absolutely struggles showing that. Matter of fact, I am pretty sure he represses it. Our time was spent with very light conversations, never delving too far below that surface. It always left me wanting a bit. Some how I thought there must be a magical combination to put together that puzzle that he is, that would unlock this new, open, and deeper level, than we had experienced prior. I never figured out that combination. There was always a part of me that saw myself in him. I do that too..but as I get older, I am trying to do better about opening up.

So, about a week ago, we got into a silly argument as we had before, but this time..was different. We didn't speak to each other for a week. I broke first. I called. I didn't know if we were together yet, or broken up..or what. We discussed how we struggle together, how sometimes we are just oil and water. We apparently are very good at pushing each other's buttons. We didn't know if we should be together or apart. The last thing we wanted was to end up hating each other in a heated argument and having that be the end of our story. We decided to give it one more chance.

It didn't last long, before we were pretty much in the same spot we were before. Although, I couldn't tell him this, without causing a argument.. he settled right back into his same routine before we took our break that week, that he was in. I wanted to ..I don't know.. 'fix' us. It's hard to fix something that is no longer broken, in one person's mind. As long as we were together, we were 'fixed'. I felt rather quickly that perhaps I had made a mistake in calling him that day. I want... or need... a solid, relationship..based on companionship and love..communication.. trust. He stops at companionship. We were back to 'hangin out'. I won't lie, we do have fun together at times..but it's not sharing a life together. I almost think sometimes he would be happier with a buddy than a real girlfriend/boyfriend relationship.

For months I have tried in earnest, to plead my case to him. Tiptoeing carefully, to avoid any triggers that would cause a fight. Inevitably, it almost always did. "I'm not a big talker" he'd say. "You think too much", "Let's just enjoy each other's company"(ie let's just hang out and have a laugh)..which I agree to all of the above, to an extent. But, if you are made aware that something isn't right in a relationship..if you truly care, don't you try to make an effort? Even if it only lasts a short time..at least the effort was made.

So, for the last couple days, there has just been a vibe with us. Not fighting (too much..for us) but just..distant. We sat, each doing our own thing in each other's company. (Which, if things were ok with us, I wouldn't mind at all, but clearly..it was almost an avoidance undercurrent). So, today we got on the phone, and I could hear from his tone..he was short..meaning he was on the verge of being annoyed at the slightest provocation. I don't know why I did it then..but it all just came out. I told him that we weren't working anymore. I hadn't planned to do this or say those things today..but as I said, I have thought about it for a while now.

I thought it would feel good to finally have it over. Like it had been in the making for some time now..that the relief would set in now that the air was cleared. It didn't. He broke down and got very upset. Almost like the 2 years we have been together and his struggle to show emotion..all came out today. He agreed that we had become jaded with each other in recent months and that maybe it was for the best. There was a small voice inside me screaming.. 'tell him it was a mistake..that you didn't mean it..that you'll make the changes you need to make it work!!!'.. but I didn't voice it. I'm not sure he would go back anyway. I'm sure it is for the best. As jaded as we had become the chance that we would have ended up resenting and hating each other was probably pretty good..but I already miss him. The thought of him not being in my life on a daily basis saddens me so much. I won't miss the fighting..that's for sure.. but I will miss those times when we did really do good together. I keep telling myself it's for the best for both of us..but at the moment my heart doesn't want to hear it.