I Am An Idiot

It was bad enough that my husband of 22 years began cheating, and ultimately left me for a "younger model". It took 2 1/2 long, painful years to divorce him. I had no self-esteem left in me by the time it was over, I had been verbally abused for the last 10 years, and I was beaten down. I honestly believed that nobody would ever want me.
Once I was single again, I started seeing this man whom I met on a dating site. We hit it off immediately. We had everything in common, and we got along great. I fell half in love with him on that first date. This was in Sept. 2007.
But just 3 months later, I found out he was lying to me. Although we were together as much as we could be, he was still on the dating site. I found out that he was playing the stud, acting like he wasn't seeing anyone special. He denied it. And out of desperation to have someone in my life, I kept on seeing him, and pretended that everything was okay.
The next two years are like a blur. He continued lying, and I continued denying, although I never allowed myself to trust him. But he still called me just about every day, at least once. I kept telling myself that meant something. I ask myself now, how could I have been so stupid? But I was lonely, and desperate. And he knew it.
But by Oct. 2009, I decided I had had enough, that I deserved better. I met another man, someone very nice and caring. But still couldn't quite give up the one who was hurting me with his lies. He called one night in Nov. 2009, crying about how much he loved me, how much he wanted to be with me. He promised that he wouldn't see anyone else. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and broke things off with the one guy who would never hurt anyone.
We seemed to be doing okay, for the next 6 months. We were the best of friends. He swore he was in love with me, and made all kinds of promises. He brought me into his world, we hung out with his friends, mostly women, who all loved me (or so they said). I felt a sense of belonging, and I was happy. I dropped my guard and began trusting him, and fell head over heels in love with him. Big mistake.
This past May, 3 months ago, I found out he was once again on the dating sites. His lies became ridiculous. First he told me that he wasn't actually talking to anyone, he was on there for entertainment purposes. Then he said he was networking for jobs. I hacked into his account and discovered that he had been talking to at least 18 women, the whole time assuring me that I was the only one.
To make matters worse, I found out through a mutual friend that he had been talking about me behind my back, as well as all his other friends. He was saying nasty things, personal things, about all of us. The sad part is that most of the things he said were not even true.
I finally resigned myself to get rid of him, for good. I talked to him on June 30th, and asked him if he was tired of me. He promised me that he loved me, that we were meant to be together, blah blah blah. I didn't believe him this time, but still made plans to see him 2 days later, so that I could tell him off in person. The next day he never called, although I called him several times and left messages. I found out much later that he was on a date with someone he met online.
He called, the next day, on July 2, acting like nothing happened. I asked him why he didn't answer his phone the day before, and he told me he forgot it was turned off. He asked if we were still on for that night, and that's when I let him have it.
I told him I was tired of the lies, tired of being made a fool of, tired of being humiliated. I told him I was done, that I never wanted to see or speak to him again. I hung up without letting him talk. I have not heard from him since.
Later on I found out that just 2 days after I talked to him, he showed up at a party with his new girlfriend. He had obviously been seeing her while he was with me. And his friends have all welcomed her with open arms, and will no longer talk to me.
I have been betrayed by all of them, and it hurts so bad that I have been so easily replaced. Everyone knows what this guy is, and has done. I am not expecting them to take sides, but he did talk badly about them, and they are aware of it. I have a feeling that the women in his orbit are happy to have me out of the picture.
There’s no doubt that I did the right thing. This was the most destructive relationship I have ever been in. But I am still feeling bad, and hurt. I thought he would have at least called and apologized, but I was wrong. Our whole relationship was a lie, and nothing more than a game to him. And damn me to hell if I still don’t jump every time the phone rings, thinking that it may be him.
I am left wondering WHY? My divorce left me broke, and I have nothing. So why play games with someone's heart like that? Why make promises? I am hating myself for missing him, missing what we had, or what I had thought we had. I have to keep reminding myself that it was all a game to him. But for 3 years?
I am sorry this is so long…but I needed to get it out.
franciem franciem
51-55, F
2 Responses Aug 3, 2010

You are so right. I think my biggest problem with the whole situation was that I wasn't prepared for dealing with this kind of thing at my age. This is worse than high school! lol<br />
But thanks so much, I do appreciate your words:)

Sometimes, it feels better to just get it out. To let it be. You put up with it because he made you feel like it was real, like it was everything you had ever wanted. That is how manipulaters work. They find our weakness and prey upon it. Yes, you are much better off now. Know that you can move on and find something worthwhile, while because he has been so deceitful for so long, he will never be able to experience true happiness and love. Love yourself and move on. You deserve it.