Excerpts~~

             

well  darling~


ya see, heres the the thing~

 
~my daughter is at another one of those glorious points in her life where she just don't give a big fat hairy fat **** about anything or anyone but herself and her boyfriend.


i had to ask her and her boyfriend to leave my home... drs orders!


i basically "crashed my system" because of a combination of things... most of which can in some way be attributed to my dear sweet loving daughter.


but the catalyst that was the final push was either:

 

#1 when they found zinas body~i had alot of emotional/mental realizations/epiphanies come out during that week that just spun me around real bad and hard. i woke up with her name carved in my arm; i was sober, don't remember doing it; just something i do that i haven't done since 1991.

 

#2 when i found out that i am inelligible for drug court which i was never offered the first time around.

 

#3 fighting over the gun with cheyennes bf in my front entry after spending all night in the er for my pneumonia where they had just told me i was about to have a nervous breakdown.

 

#4 when my daughter told me for the ten millionth time how much she hates me and wants me to die; that i should just eat all my pills; so i obliged. i ate 75  1 mg. xanax.

 

(the last three things happened all in the same day.)

 

it was a couple of hours before her probation officer showed up unannounced and wanted to see me. he basically forced his way into my room, found me, and called 911.

 

so i spent 8 days in the cushiest looney bin i've ever been in. AND I've been in a FEW...

 

i'm not even really sure what actually made me go there; all i know is that i've been hurting real bad for a really long time; before i even knew it.

 

i mean yesterday i got a reply/comment to a blog i wrote over a month ago, and ouch! i was really pissed off even then.

 

it made me cry.

 

I'VE BEEN SEEING THE SAME THERAPIST FOR NEARLY FOUR YEARS; I GO FAITHFULLY EVERY TUESDAY.

CHEYENNE WON'T GO. SHE NEEDS TO, BUT SHE WON'T

 

SO i had cheyenne and bf move out.

 

~gave "temporary care" to her "auntie" gi-gi;

 

every one benefits...

 

~cheyenne & bf can run the streets and sell all the guns & drugs they want,

 

not my prob any more; even though i may already be homeless because of their antics~

 

~gi-gi now has an income; her unemployment just ran out and she threw out her bf of 10 yrs so she could switch careers; she was an LPN, now she fancies herself a dope dealer. but not a very successful one. she uses more than she sells.

 

~i have a SECT 8 hearing on the 10th; i dont know if its just a regular yearly review (kinda early), or if i'm being thrown out after being hung by jury.

 

but, whatever happens, i guess my mental health is SUPPOSED to improve, we'll see. i know shes been trying to kill me for some time now...

 

after i put them out, i found out that this whole time (he's been staying here since december & hes given me MAYBE $30.00) he gets $1,200.00 every month from the the puyallup tribe just for being native american.

 

i've been supporting her, her bf, her brother, whatever other strays they decide (mostly her deciding) to bring home. (human or otherwise; cheyenne has many many disposables) on $46.00 food stamps, my little crazy check, and $339.00 DSHS gives me to help with her and believe me, she is high maintenance.

 

they smoke weed, newport cigarettes (which cost $2.00 more per pack than mine). they drink, do other recreational drugs~i dont pay for their drugs, but i have bought smokes and jack in the box or other fast foods.

 

cheyenne doesnt really like anything home cooked which is funny because i am a hell of a cook and she has always loved my cooking just fine. she has to absolutely drown everything in ketchup to eat it.

since they have moved out, they are driving a nice white cadillac, have their own room at the calico cat motel (which is not known for being one of tacomas nicer motels, but it's a roof) every time they come over, they are each wearing new outfits worth at least $100.00 each, they each have both weed and crack for sale, cigarettes, money, cell phones, the works.

 

yesterday they went and got their picture taken together at the mall; on the back of the copies she gave me, all it said was: "to breezy"

 

there's this guy she has called dad for forever~ but hes not.

 

she knows it. hes been in prison most of her life, and they've had this "fantasy~daddy~daughter~pen-pal~relationship~thing."

 

i never thought it was a big deal until the other night when he said some **** in a letter about how he "knows more than she thinks he does about how much she's suffered in her lifetime"

 

(1st she aint suffered at my hand thats the problem, 2nd, he dont know ****; he's been physically in her life MAYBE 1 0F HER 16 YEARS)

 

but, she comes stormin in the door asking me if i want to give up the secret i'm keeping?

 

i said "look here lil girl, i don't know what he's talking about, but it don't matter anyway; YOU have ABSOLUTELY NO LOVE FOR & NO LOYALTY TO ME ANYWAY, SO WHATEVER HE SAYS, YOU'LL BELIEVE. WHATEVER'S CLEVER TREVOR."

 

i only recently found my son i lost 20 years ago, and she has done everything she can to do damage to that fragile relationship.

 

while i was in the hospital she searched and ransacked my room removing documents, pictures, other various items. she turned my room over better than the TPD could have done.

 

to hear her tell it i'm a crackhead who holes up in my room all day smoking crack and meth and don't do anything else (reach out to her, i'm curious to hear what she tells you)

 

the truth of the matter is, that when i got arrested for a baggy with residue that wasn't even mine, i thought i could make it go away; get what's called an NCF, i mean, i havent been in trouble in 10 years, aint a regular user, didnt have a pipe, or a scale, or wads of cash, just a ****** baggy.

 

but nope; no NCF

 

i'll go to their treatment program;

 

jump through whatever hoops they need me to jump through so it can go away.

 

join their little three ring circus; do stupid human tricks~

 

ok, i'll do DRUG COURT.

 

no. i'm INELLIGIBLE

 

because i'm honest and told them that when i was 23 i smoked PCP.

 

never got arrested for it, so if i would have lied, IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE FOR THEM to know.

 

but i told the thruth.

 

bad breezy.

 

HERE'S THE "DEAL" THEY'RE OFFERING ME:

I GO BACK TO COURT ON AUGUST 6TH, PLEAD GUILTY TO FELONY POSESSION OF METHAMPHETAMINE; A CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE, AT WHICH POINT, I WILL BE TAKEN BACK INTO CUSTODY.

 

THAT'S RIGHT I GO TO JAIL FROM THE COURT ROOM...

 

REMEMBER I HAD LESS THAN A ******* DIME;

 

IT WAS SUCH A SMALL AMOUNT THEY DONT EVEN SAY HOW MUCH IN THE ARREST REPORT.

 

IT WASN'T MINE; SHE TOLD THEM IT WASNT MINE.

 

THERE WAS ALSO A FOOT LONG CRACK PIPE UNDER MY SEAT (NOT MINE. I WASNT CHARGED WITH IT; BUT IT WAS MENTIONED AS "A PIPE USED TO CONSUME NARCOTICS" UNDER MY SEAT) IT WAS A CRACK PIPE, NOT A METH PIPE; I HAD NO CRACK OR CRACK PIPES ON ME, SHE TOLD THEM EVERYTHING WAS HERS...

 

THEY EVEN LEFT THE ONLY "PURSE" TYPE THING THAT ACTUALLY WAS MINE IN THE VEHICLE.

 

THE DRIVER WALKED AWAY THAT NIGHT WITH A TICKET, BUT SHE'S MORE THAN LIKELY GOING TO PRISON NOW FOR BEING PULLED OVER TWO WEEKS BEFORE THIS AND GETTING 6 FELONIES.

 

I SPEND 1 NIGHT IN THE PIERCE COUNTY JAIL AND THE NEXT DAY, I GET RELEASED TO "PIERCE COUNTY ALLIANCE", DO 30 DAYS "ALTERNATIVE DETENTION", "DAILY REPORTING", "COLOR CALLING" (I DO THAT NOW)

AFTER MY 30 DAYS, I'M FREE,

 

BUT WAIT, I STILL HAVE THE FREAKING FELONY?????????????

 

so i was angry and pissed and maybe a little (ok a lot) stupid, and since i aint getting no kinda break, i can have a little fun ******* up their little pee machines.

 

i've always sworn before this that i would never ever do "e" (ecstasy), but since, i've done it twice. didn't get high either time, but i bet my pee was simply glowing.

 

i havent smoked weed in probably 5 or 6 years, but since i got arrested i've done that twice (once on my birthday after puking my guts up all day and actually, i did it to cheer her up, because her and bf were fighting; NOT EVEN THINKING I JUST PUT THE BLUNT TO MY LIPS PLAYING AROUND, AND SHE SAID "HIT IT 4 TIMES" SO I DID. STILL, NO ONE'S FAULT BUT MY OWN; the second time was an accident, because we were out of smokes, and a JOINT roach accidentally got rolled into a cigarette) and yes I DID GET STONED BOTH OF THOSE TIMES.

 

AND I AM NOT GOING TO LIE; SINCE I GOT ARRESTED I HAVE SMOKED CRACK, BUT IT WAS FREE, AND IT WAS NOTHING LIKE SHE WOULD HAVE ANYONE THINK; IF SHE CAN "SNIFF YOWDER" (snort cocaine powder) WTF is the diff?

 

the DIFF is that i am an adult who DOES pay my bills AND handle my freaking responsibilities.

 

i go to A.A. damn near every day because I WANT TO, NOT BECAUSE I HAVE TO.

 

THIS LITTLE *****...

 

MY MOM HIT ME NEARLY EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE AND I WOULD HAVE NEVER EVER DREAMED OF TREATING HER THE WAY MY DAUGHTER TREATS ME...

 

OVER THE YEARS,I HAVE ADOPTED SO MANY OF HER OR HER BROTHER' ORPHANED FRIENDS, I DON'T EVEN HAVE ENOUGH FINGERS AND/OR TOES COMBINED TO COUNT... SO WE ALL KNOW OUR SHARE OF SUB PAR MOMS,

 

BUT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THE STABLE MOM; THE ONE EVERYONE COULD DUMP THEIR KIDS ON KNOWIN' THEY'D BE SAFE ETC ETC ETC & LA DEE FREAKIN DAH!

 

HER OWN BF'S MOM IS ONE PRIME EXAMPLE; SHE IS A REAL PIECE OF ****. BUT HE LOVES HIS MOM AND TREATS HER WITH RESPECT. HE'S ALSO TOLD ME THAT I TREAT HIM BETTER THAN HIS OWN MOM TREATS HIM.

YA KNOW WHAT'S ****** UP?

 

HE TREATS ME BETTER THAN MY OWN DAUGHTER TREATS ME.

 

GEE, I JUST WORKED THAT ONE OUT IN MY HEAD AS I

WROTE IT TO YOU.

 

WOW~~~

 

THAT'S PRETTY IRONIC DON'T YA THINK?

 

SAD TOO.

 

OH WELL I JUST PRAY THAT I CAN KEEP MY SECTION 8 AND MY SANITY; SOBRIETY IS EASIER THAN EITHER ONE OF THOSE RIGHT NOW.

 

I WAKE UP EVERY DAY SOBER. I DECIDE IF I'M GOING TO USE OR NOT PRETTY MUCH BY HOW MY DAY IS GOING...

 

I PUT A SIGN ON MY DOOR YESTERDAY THAT SAYS:

 

"NOT RECIEVING COMPANY RIGHT NOW...


* THE SUN IS TOO LOUD~


* TREES ARE CHASING ME~


* I CAN SEE MOLECULES VIBRATING

 

* I'VE FILED FOR A DIVORCE FROM REALITY


* I'VE DISCOVERED THE AESTHETIC BEAUTY OF OFFICE SUPPLIES


* I'M NOT IN MY RIGHT MIND AND MY LEFT MIND'S PRETTY CROWDED


* DEPRESSION~ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM

 

IF YOUR NAME IS NOT ON THE LIST BELOW, THEN DO NOT KNOCK ON MY DOOR!!!!

 

IF YOU DIDN'T CALL FIRST, GO AWAY.

 

I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE OR WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE ; IF YOU AREN'T ON THE LIST, BELIEVE ME, I DIDN'T FORGET!

 

GOOD-BYE NOW.

 

CHANCES ARE, AS YOU ARE STANDING THERE READING THIS, YOU HAVE A CELL PHONE IN YOUR ******* HAND /PURSE.

 

IF I'M NOT WORTH YOUR MINUTES, YOU AREN'T WORTH MINE EITHER.

 

****
****
****


THERE ARE THREE PEOPLE ON THE LIST (ONLY BECAUSE THEY'RE STUBBORN AND WON'T COME BY IF I DONT ANSWER THE PHONE. AND SOMETIMES I JUST HATE THE PHONE)

 

CHEYENNE IS NOT ONE OF THEM.

 

FOR SOME REASON SHE IS BOTH SURPRISED AND BOTHERED BY THIS...

 

HMMMM.

 

YOUR NAME IS UP THERE BUT IT IS INVISIBLE. IF YOU ARE EVER IN TOWN (AND I STILL HAVE A HOUSE), YOU ARE ALWAYS WELCOME THERE.

 

I LOVE YOU KAYE,

I'LL BE OK,

 

I'LL TRY TO ANYWAY,


hi kaye~

i appreciate your kind and loving words and have already come to terms with the fact that i am an imperfect being; a human being.

in my lifetime i have made some mistakes some doosies i am sure, but no matter how hard i try or how far back i go, i cannot find one single incident where i have ever treated any other person with such an amount of malice and contempt as i get from my precious baby girl. who i recieved as a gift from god and raised all by myself...you know my mom and i were never really close unlike you guys our home wasnt a loving one and mom threw me out the door at 13. i was on my own from then on out. i have no family except for my four children and those whom i have have chosen to call friend.

you kaye are probably my longest term friend...i think schaunee, starla and deb are all real close as first in length of time but in actual amount of unbroken time of communications its you and me at #1. which means that while i may have known each of them for a longer period of time than i have known you, you and i have never lost touch over the years. we've gotten more intense here recently but we've always sent emails back and forth even if it was just little stuff it never broke.

i've lost schaunee for a minute, i've lost my starla for a minute, deb who was my rock when i was 19 we just now refound eachother and i think shes gone again because i cant sit and chat on the phone...but if thats how its meant to be then thats how its meant to be.
some people think thats callous of me, but, oh well!.

you were right, i think, to quit your job. you struggled with it so; you reminded me of me when you told me how you said you quit, she cried, you took it back...

but kaye~ god didn't put us here to fix eachother; you help those you can. jesus suffered so that we woudn't. you probably put up with alot before you ever got to that point where you wanted to quit, so it was just time.

everything that we do isn't going to sit right in our belly. and if it doesnt sit right in our belly that doesnt make it wrong...

i keep catching myself all the time these days saying "I CAN'T FIX IT"

when i actually am smart enough to catch myself saying it, i laugh at me, and usually go on with my day, but every now and then, there'll be something that i get stuck at; i mean truly stuck; where i know i cant fix it, but i dont hear me saying it, so i wont stop~i guess maybe thats kinda like what you're talking about...

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS' DEFINITION OF INSANITY:
COMMITTING THE SAME ACT OVER AND
OVER AND OVER AGAIN
AND EXPECTING A DIFFERENT OUTCOME...

of course i feel a wee tiny bit of guilt; what decent, loving, mother wouldnt feel guilt when they see their child in pain?

but...my conscience is clear~ because i know in my heart that i did the very best that i could do with what i was given to work with. and i guess for now thats all i get.

i pray every day that she doesn't end up dead, and hope that after all the praying she'll come out okay maybe something like schaunee (i dont want to be greedy, but after all those bad years schaunee came through ok, so i know there's hope, i just dont see me sitting around much longer taking the abuse) see i have faith i just ache a little bit right now...

so far, out of all my kids, it seems like the one with the least amount of problems is the one i had the least to do with raising...and these two out here had it easy compared to him. i thought he was safe; he was beaten. 

all these years i thought he was ok, then he told me; you want to talk about guilt?

yes, if there was one single thing i could take back in my entire life, i know with all of my being that would be it; his father would have had to literally kill me to get me to leave, or i would have had to kill him (dont think i didn't entertain the thought).

we need future projectors...then we wouldnt **** up our lives so much.

i just want to go live on a ******* beach somewhere!

i love you.
breezy

breezybidj breezybidj
46-50, F
2 Responses Jul 30, 2007

This is a hard one, last year my son hit a real bad place..I have told you a little about him. He had called and asked me to come and get him. I had checked his myspace so i had an idea what i would find. Nothing can prepare you for that! It was freezing out and i was terrified! After i calmed down , i just told him ...I love you,i can't stop you your an adult ,but i will not come to the rescue anymore. You have a child who loves and needs you to be in her life not high and in it!I will stop you from seeing her if this is the life you choose. He did turn it around and i hope for good. Now you just have so much on your plate , when lightning strikes..Just hold on and fight for your life back ,you can do it!

I'm not even sure how to react to all this, I guess I'm just overwhelmed--and that's not criticism, I know you had to get it out. Hearing a story like this makes me treasure my own relationship with my mother, which is a good one.<br />
<br />
I don't understand why people don't appreciate their parents. You pay for us, you let us stay in your house, you ensure our futures without worrying so much about your own, and all the while you could put us up for adoption or throw us out anytime. We owe you so much more than we can ever repay, so how some of us have the gall to spit in your face is beyond my powers of comprehension. Especially when she does all this, and you still call her your "precious baby girl." A mother's love transcends time and space, and for her child not to appreciate that is unforgivable to me.<br />
<br />
I hope, as I hope for my brother, that she will one day, no matter how long it takes, mature and see what she has done, for your sake. That's all I can do...