Just Graduated College and I Feel Like a Vegetable
I just graduated from a prestigious East Coast university. Usually, an undergraduate degree is 4 years, but I shortened it to 3 years. Why? For the most part, I felt lousy in college. I did not feel apt to do any of the schoolwork, and any ambitions I had to be a top scorer, the way I was in high school, dissipated. I figured just graduating early and getting out of there would save my parents money, and would give me the opportunity to really figure out what it is I want out of life without papers and exams and useless lectures getting in the way. Besides, in college I just felt empty. The fact that I was surrounded by everyone my age just made me feel void on the inside...completely alone and unimportant and "just another face" around campus. I tried to party, booze, hook up with random frat guys to get over the feeling, but it got worse and led to bigger problems.
I became so disillusioned with college that I imagined my freedom once I graduated to be amazing: when I felt hopeful about the future, I envisioned a life of traveling the world, helping needy children, writing books, breathing in the outdoors, and living a life free of anyone else's expectations or approval. This fantasy of being my own person and reveling in the natural beauty of the earth while helping others was so appealing compared to the miserable college reality I lived, and I was convinced this would happen when I left.
Now I left, and moved to a completely new country to start a new beginning. No more are there any sorority girls to make me feel not pretty enough, rich enough or good enough to have the kind of wild fun they are having. No more are there writing papers, that because of my procrastination problem, make me pull multiple all-nighters in a row. No more is there any kind of pressure to conform to be a doctor, lawyer or an investment banker. Families, single people in their 20s, the elderly surround me, and everyone goes by their life as they see fit. I know no one in this town, and I can start a clean slate and make the kind of friends I deserve, start a career doing things I want, and meet a guy who doesn't need to be in a fraternity to be cool.
Yet why do I feel completely uninspired all of a sudden, absolutely unmoved and unmotivated? It's not like I miss college. I look at my friends who are in their senior year, where I could have been if I had stayed, and do not wish to be in their place and have all that immaturity surrounding me. I do not really feel openly sad. I just feel like I'm carrying scars from my past that are beginning to burden me. I have deep difficulties getting up and looking for a job, and starting my life the way I dreamed. The only thing I crave is being a vegetable: eating, sleeping, watching television, and surfing the internet. This has been going on for a few months and I feel no urge to get out of it. I don't feel lonely as one would expect. Instead, I just feel worn out and exhausted by anything this world has to offer. I'm just sick of people, sick of the idea of talking to anybody and feigning an appetite for life. I don't want to meet anyone that could be my friend or boyfriend. I just want to get out of going to the real world. Yet I never want to go back to school again.