I'm fairly certain I just finally figured out why I'm such a loner. Despite being friendly around others and always having people receive me warmly, I've never actually sought out anyone's company. I never initiate meetings of my own volition and usually end up hanging out with others upon invitation, and even then it's primarily done to save face. I have a cell phone full of numbers of people that desired to communicate with me, but I can count on my kidneys the number of people I actually bother to send texts to. And even though I do communicate with those two people, I have to remind myself repeatedly over the course of weeks or months before I can eventually do so. I'm making a strenuous effort to be social in the fading hopes that I can one day live a life that isn't rooted in ennui. Considering that I'm as well-liked as I am, it would seem that making friends should be easy for me.

But that's not the case. It hasn't been the case since my days in elementary school. For over a decade afterwards, it's been an issue that has never left my thoughts and always lurked in the back of my mind as a vexing menace. I received a small bit of solace by figuring out that I was an introvert, but that didn't quite do my solitary nature justice. It explained why I enjoyed and sought out my alone time, but in light of the myriad of existential crises this solitude propelled me into, it couldn't explain why I felt so disinclined to seek out the company of people that liked me.

Then I had a conversation with a person on this site that got me thinking about my childhood. I remember how from a very young age I was consumed by the thought of leaving home and never going back. And now that I've finally been able to do that, I assumed that I would be able to easily move on with my life. But I'm still as alone as I was back then. It struck me suddenly how the relationship I had with my parents provided the framework for all of my subsequent relationships with people.

I recalled how betrayed, how belittled, and how ignored I felt as a child. I now realize that this feeling of insignificance is something I've internalized and manifests itself in every interaction I've had. Ever since then, I've been living my life in a way where I would be as self-reliant as possible. In school, I never bothered to form study groups or share notes or answers with my classmates. In the midst of my depression and addiction, I refused to seek out any help. During my bouts of homelessness, I never asked for anything from anybody. And even in my struggles with bipolar disorder, I have yet to attain any sort of medication or therapy. The thought that my life is somehow relevant or of any meaning to anyone is a concept that utterly confuses and bewilders me. The people I trusted the most showed me how fickle intimacy could be, and so I've spent more than half my life rejecting it.

So there's the answer. The great, profound revelation I've reached. I am alone because I cannot allow myself to be liked by anyone. I can never see myself as being valued or cherished. I know it may seem like a bunch of self-effacing melodrama to most people reading this - and I honestly wish it were that simple - but the waves of anxiety that hit me whenever anyone gets close is something that has never failed to cripple my shot at a normal life. As such, I have spent year after year laying bricks around me so as to avoid those feelings at any and all costs. Even when the pangs of love wreak havoc through my frontal lobe, I will preemptively sabotage any chances with anyone that I think could liberate me from the misery of solitude. I have gone over 24 years now without a girlfriend, without a best friend, and without a confidante. This violent aversion to companionship is so deeply ingrained into my cognitive functions that I can't even want to start a conversation with someone no matter how lonely I feel.

That is my profound revelation.
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2 Responses Aug 23, 2014

Slow clap. Your intelligence will always attract people which plays a part in your popularity. It's easy to see how your points could easily be dismissed as if there is no issue. Quite frankly, I wouldn't say there is an issue had you not mentioned depression, assuming you understand what depression actually is, I trust you do. I find it incredibly irritating when people tell me I think too much but it's your thought process has lead you to your revelation. Congratulations. As for advice and it's only advice. I would encourage you to actively remove a few bricks from your surrounding wall because you may have built them slightly too high.

Glad to hear

hello son, Jesus came to set the captives free, reach to him and let him in he will take your burdens and give you life abundantly.

giant, your thoughts are imaginary, Jesus Christ was a real person who lived, he made some statements that we as humans should take heed too. his message was for the world, i guess that is why you can hear of him, because he wants you to know that he paid for all our sins, and restored us to god, i know its a lot to take in, but sometimes people come to just guide us, he is the one who show us what god is like, because god is invisible, you should do some research instead of just throwing it away.

giant, how come you trust in the source you get this information from and not what is written as the most stable authentic record of one thing, that god made man, he lost man- he came in Christ and bought us back to himself, and there was proof, there are 5 records of eye witnesses, even god himself spoke from heaven to confirm his son, today i know you will say it is fable, but in my life and in the lives of those around me we see his miracles in our lives every day. i was very sad and depressed, and i read of how he took all my guilt and sin and shame i decided that i would believe it, and now my life is so prosperous and happy and full of wonderful life and miracles, and that is what he gives, life abundantly,