Here We Go...

So I finally got "that call". The one you dread when someone you love dearly is ill. Yes, my dad has terminal cancer. Yes, they said he could live up to two years or more if he responded well to treatment. Sadly this isn't the case NOW. We originally thought he was going to do well, and he did. But his cancer spread to his spinal cord. Maybe he would have longer had the ER docs listened to him and did th proper imaging, and not just chalk his back pain and trouble walking up to an old injury. But they didn't. Finally after his pain became so bad, the doctors did more imaging and found the mass, inoperable, on his spine. And it had caused his right leg to be paralyzed and is slowly affecting is left leg. He was admitted a few days ago to the hospital, told there was nothing to do for him, asked basically if he wanted to die there or at home. Pastors began visiting him, asking him if he was right with God. I went to see him. I took my daughter. His new grand baby, whom I named after him, to see him. He was sleeping when I got there. His wife, my stepmother, took the baby and held her by his face while he dslept, and she put her tiny hands on his bald head and patted, he cracked his eyes, still asleep, I watched as his eyes focused on her, a smile spread across his face, and he closed his eyes again, never losing his smile. Eventually he did wake, and it was same old Dad, just in the hospital. He still joked around, still gave me a hard time in his loving way, was still Dad... I know that he only has 6-8 weeks, a little more if things progress slowly. Yes, he's going home with Hospice. Yes, we are approaching the end with him. And right now, I'm at the point where all the memories of him, the ones that have always made me smile and laugh... Well, they hurt. They make me cry. They make my chest heavy and my heart ache, even now as I write this, I have a lump in my throat and my eyes are stinging ad pricking with tears. My head has a constant ache from crying every day. My eyes are staying red. A few weeks ago, he asked me to take videos of my daughter and send them to him, so he can see her. I've been making one every day or so, and sharing it with him. When I remember that he asked me to do this because he's too sick to see her in person, I feel like my hearts being pulled out of chest. Two nights ago, as I drove home from the gym, I was praying out loud to God, I said I would not ask that this gets easier for me to bear, because no matter what, I know I'll get through it. I know it's going to hurt like nothing I've ever felt before, but I will survive this. I only asked that he's not lying there, feeling as though he's just waiting for death, that he's not scared, that he doesn't feel alone, that HE is able to deal with this, that he has strength, that he makes his peace with God, and has a place next to him, and that when he gets to Heaven, his dad will be there waiting for him. I cannot bear the thought of my dad being scared, alone, terrified of what's coming. I want him to have peace and comfort from now on. I pray every day for that. I know the days are numbered. Every thing I say to him, everything he says to me now, I cherish. Every hug I'm going to remember. I have to take the baby back to see him soon. He told me that even though he slept through most of our visit last night, he felt better knowing I was there with the baby. And that he misses her and asked us to come back as soon as we can. I know there's going to be a point in time where every memory of him, every photo, every thing I have that he gave me, is going to knock the wind out of me and make me cry, but until then, all I've been doing is looking at photos, thinking about all the memories of us when I was a child...And wishing that the baby would get a chance to know my father, who loves her so much. She will know him, I'll make sure of that. She's going to know all about him, I just wish, God how I wish she would have a memory of him and I know she won't, it breaks me.
LiveloveJ LiveloveJ
31-35, F
Jan 20, 2013