My Personal Hell...

I just found out yesterday that my Dad has cancer. My Mother and I went to the doctor with him, cause we didn't think he should go alone. My Dad's been sick with horrible headaches, sore throats for about a year now, and he just got in to see the doctor. I knew the chances since he's a smoker, and when the tests come back abnormal, but you always keep that little bit of hope in the back of your mind. You have to, or you'll drive yourself crazy. I saw how hard it was when my grandpa got sick and passed from the same thing. I can't imagine seeing my dad like that. I can't imagine waking up one day and not being able to see his face or hear his voice. And I know it's too soon to think like that, but how can you not to a point when you hear that word? I'm scared that I'm going to hate God for this too. I just got back to a place where I'm at peace with the things I've lost in my life, and then this happens. But I know if this doesn't end well, I will be bitter and I don't want that. I just don't know how to stop it either. I know how I feel about this, I can only imagine how he feels. He's my best friend in this whole world, I don't have anyone else. I feel selfish, but what do I do without him? I'll be lost. I don't know how to accept it, and do what needs to be done from now on out. I just don't want to lose my bestfriend..I'm not ready for him to leave me. I feel utterly defeated right now, but I can't be like that. I've got to be the strong one for my Mom and for him too. I just don't know what to do..I'm trapped inside my own hell.

Bamababydoll Bamababydoll
22-25, F
4 Responses Nov 19, 2009

as for potentially loosing your dad... I would HATE to loose my mom and/or my grandma on my mom's side. They are both very loving, wonderful people who bring Light into this dark world. Were I to loose her I don't know what I'd do

God bless, and thanx for sharing these really personal feelings. I can DEFINITELY relate to the part about potentially bearing ill-will to god. I finally found a relationship that fulfills me, and my partner just said something that was pretty much the worst thing you could say to me...<br />
I even wrote posts cursing god, describing how much i despise him and the entire universe. However, thankfully, i made a conscious, concerted effort to try to handle it as calmly and "maturely" as I could. I'm glad I did. We made up, and now I feel loved again. He didn't intend to hurt me... he just goes all-out when arguing, and can be a bit abrasive (he's a scorpio).<br />
<br />
now i feel a bit guilty about saying all that negative stuff about god. However I don't feel TOO guilty. Here's why:<br />
God understands. He knows how hard it is for people to endure the trials and tribulations of life, and regardless, His/Her LOVE for us is undying, eternal, despite our myriad flaws and transgressions...<br />
<br />
As for the thing about not being able to have kids, I'm kinda the opposite in that I intend to get a vasectomy the next time i enter into a sexual relationship with a woman. I always figured I'd adopt. There are sooo many kids (especially minority kids or kids over a certain age) who don't get adopted. I think it would be a great act of Love to adopt a so-called "unwanted" child and provide him/her with a healthy and loving environment in which to grow.

Thank you so much!!!

Firstly you are entitled to your feelings. I felt quite, no in fact very, angry when my Mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer nearly 6 years ago.<br />
Anger, fear, raging are all part of the process of acceptance and accept you have to. You never feel old or grown up enough to deal with this: my sister took it worse than me and she was 60 years old!<br />
Firstly you need to be strong for him and it is important to let him talk if he wants to. Conversely my mother was in total denial and so we all went along with that too!<br />
Trust me, nothing makes you grow up so fast as losing a parent. However as you have pointed out this may be premature but you also need to remember that with any terminal condition complications can set in rapidly so never put anything off. Tell him you love him or whatever you need to do so you can think "If he goes tonight, I have done all I can for today".<br />
Also consider talking to someone at your local hospice or a Macmillan nurse, as they are absolutely lovely.<br />
The other thing is to look after you, eat well and try to sleep well. Also have a close friend on standby who you trust enough to vent at and tell her/him what you cannot tell nearest and dearest.<br />
It is very, very hard and anyone who says " I know how you feel" probably doesn't as the only one who feels like you is you. Remember your Mother is also suffering.<br />
Keep positive, this does not mean indulging in false hope, but make every day matter.