I Wonder If He Will Come Back This Time

Wow. What a week.

My fiance moved out of our home this time last week. I told him to. I always tell him to. Actually, he moved out of MY home. I bought it. By myself. It's always mine, even though I tell him and others it ours. I could have sold it, or rented it out when he asked all of those times. Each time I said no. My house was important to me. Clearly he just wasn't important enough. His needs came second to my own. Every time. I will sell it the moment he calls me. I will sell it for him and sell it for us. I will do anything. He won't call though.

I have just been diagnosed with clinical NPD - Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Google it. It's horrifying. My tone says it all doesn't it? Lucky for me, it all makes sense now. It certainly isn't an excuse. There is no excuse. Simply a reason. He doesn't know though. He might never know that he is the reason I will overcome it.

It's funny the things you realise in hindsight. I realised how little I valued the man of my dreams. I realised how much he really did add to my life. I realised how badly I treated him. I realised that his one fault I couldn't get past, was the only thing holding us back as a couple. I realised it was my insecurity not his. I realised that I miss everything about him, even those things I tell him off for. I realised he is my version of a near perfect fiance, even though I never told him that. Not once. I realised how lucky I was to have a man who loved me unconditionally, through everything we went through, everything I put us through. I realised that I was lucky he stayed for as long as he did. Push, Pull, Push, Pull. Push him away, Pull him back. That was our relationship. He has gone now and there is nothing left to pull. Or push.

I hope, one day, he realises that I am sorry. I hope one day, he realises that he deserves far better than me. I hope, one day he realises that he can't live without me. Just like I can't live without him.

sezzard sezzard
1 Response Aug 5, 2010

Me too. Three years ago and after a few days I got over the anger. I then told my therapist after looking back at my 55 year old life and said"Well thqat explains a lot of things."<br />
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Since there is no pill or cure and it was driving me to the edge fighting it, is decided to embrace my inner personality and go with it for the rest of my years. It was the only thing I could do to keep from ending it all. It was the best decision I ever made. Everyone else will have to live with it or not. It really doesn't make enough difference to me to fight it anymore.