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I Lost My Only Parent And My Best Girlfriend.

Momma passed on suddenly on September 18, 2011, at the young age of 66. All we really know is that it was congestive heart failure that took her life. We will never know more, since the morgue wanted to charge to do an autopsy (she was on medicare, and noone in the family is raking in the dough in this recession), so my elder sister, who was Momma's PoA, had her cremated and then shoved her urn into a gun cabinet.
I am not doing well with this, as you can probably guess. I was emotionally the closest to my mother, due to the fact that we are both bipolar.. normally that would ruin a relationship with a parent, but when I moved away to another state, and then to Canada, she and I became close friends because of understanding one another. My brother has completely removed himself from the family when I was 16 (I am almost 38 now). My sister hated our mother, because she was made to grow up too fast at a young age....and then she got strapped with looking out for our mother when I moved away.
During the last 3 years, my mother has been doing better, but then the last year, her health started sliding and the hospitals kept taking her in, bandaiding the pain and doing a few tests, then letting her go without even a diagnosis. FOURTEEN hospital visits in the last 1.5 years, nothing was ever confirmed or anything.
Also, during the last three years, the man she always told me was my father, turned out NOT to be (DNA test confirmed)..... not only was she shattered that she has been half-lying to me for years, but she also had to admit to a one-night affair that I am evidently the product of.... whom she knows nothing about but the name of. I keep feeling that part of why she had heart problems at the end, is because she knew I was heartbroken over never knowing WHO I am....she felt she had failed me somehow.
When I found out, it was in the afternoon of the 18th of September, my sister called me. Which is uncommon, since we don't talk often. She told me she had bad news, and needed to know if my husband was home. I said "Yes, he's home. Why?". She said "She's gone, sis. She's gone. Mom's bf found her on the floor, she had a heart attack, she's gone."
I hit the floor. That is the only way I can really describe it. I was in the kitchen, looking at my husband who was on the sofa in the living room, and all I know is that I screamed and the floor met my knees. He came running over to grab me and held me while I babbled on the phone, until he took the phone from me and tried to figure out what was going on while I bawled against him.
I always feared these days would come, and I knew I was going to be a mess, but I wasn't expecting that sheer agony ripping through my heart. I still have a hard time breathing when I think of her being alone.
Nothing else has been done since then. My life just has come to a complete halt almost. I cry constantly. I have been sick for almost a year from kidney and colon issues, but the last 4 months have been the worst, almost putting me in the hospital twice. I feel lost. Both my husband and best male friend lost their moms and are both so understanding, but I am the ONLY one mourning my momma. Noone else is, just me. I feel alone because of me being the only person left on earth that loved her.
The funny thing is, noone in my life knows that my worst fear is being alone.
LostButLoved LostButLoved 36-40, F Jan 2, 2012

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