Still Missing My Mom

I lost my Mom 9 months ago and I'm still missing her. She was 103 yrs old and died of complications from pneumonia and hospital indifference. She fell three years ago and had bleeding of the brain but they couldn't do the draining because of her age. She became bedridden because she was afraid of falling again and refused to get out of bed. Due to the injury she slowly developed some of the signs of alzheimers and sometimes she didn't know me. She remembered me as a child and not as a grown woman, I was just the woman that "worked for her" most of the time. I was her caregiver 24/7 and grew closer to her than I had ever been in all my 65 yrs of age. She remembered her youth and told me lots of stories I never knew about herself and the family. It was such fun to get to know her in a way I never knew her before. Mom was 38 yrs old when I was born and to me she was always an old woman and I couldn't imagine her anything but my Mom. Now I knew her as a young girl, and learned of her world. She was born in 1908, can you imagine all the changes she saw?

I re-did her room because it's the most comfortable room in the house and sleep there but I have not touched her closet or removed her things from most of the drawers. I just emptied one for me. I'm still keeping my things in my house. My house is only 8 ft away from hers with a connecting room but I abandoned my house three years ago and moved in with my parents because they were both bedridden at the same time for a few months. Sad to say my father died three years ago due to cancer. For all that time I lived to care for them and later just for Mom. I was away from her just a day a week when I hired a woman to care for her while I ran errands and did the shopping. Now I have all this time on my hands that I don't know what to do with. There's no jobs for young people much less for someone my age.

I stopped working 12 yrs ago when she was diagnosed with cancel and sent home to die full of morphine because the doctors didn't think she could tolerate the normal cancer treatments. Thanks to God I found a doctor who also believed in alternative medicine. And so we began the treatments and less than two years later she was declared cancer free but she never got all her strength back and I became mostly housebound and slowly lost the few friends I had made. I used to live in Philly and relocated to Puerto Rico 21 yrs ago when I saw that they needed someone to watch over them and for the first 9yrs I was able to work. I live in the country and the houses all sit in their own lots. It's an elderly community and in almost every house nearby someone has died and the spouse that's left is even older than me. I need to find something to do with my time.