Everyone's Busy With Life, But Me

I fight depression and anxiety and lately it's gotten really bad. Normally I talk to my mother about my emotional stresses, but right now her and my dad are one of many so I can't. I usually keep things bottled up inside so I don't disturb anyone's happy world. I love my family so much and my friends are so important to me that I guess I don't want to burden them. I use to have a rather large group of well I suppose they were more accquaintances than friends and then a small close knit group of really good friends. As I don't trust easily, it's hard for me to connect with people enough to be really good friends. Well about a year, almost two, ago we all graduated and every single one of my friends except for my best friend moved away to go to college. At the same time I had a falling out with what I thought was a really good friend and I was hurt emotionally pretty bad. My best friend attends college, works as a para in a high school on her weekdays off and also works at her church on the weekends so I get to see very little of her. Plus she has a habit of not charging her cellphone so even if I call needing a shoulder, the phone is usually dead. I have been in and out of part-time jobs and attending a few college classes while trying to figure out who I am myself. Also this year I spent the first half of it in doctors' offices, MRIs, getting Spinal Taps, sleeping for days and constantly in pain because of a neurological disease that came on quite sudden. This year I was also in and out of a few relationships, majority with a guy who doesn't live here and at one time, I believed could be my One. After we broke up, I met a bad boy and dated him for a while. So obviously my life has been up, down, backwards, forwards, full of confusion, self-doubt, insecurity and loneliness this year. I also discovered that during the course of the disease, my so-called friends never once cared enough to call or check on me or even text! I mean that takes five seconds. I was in bed for five months. Through all of these trials, my mother who was my main support and my boyfriend (now ex) were the only two people I could count on to care If I lived or died. Now though, he has a new girlfriend...lady friend...whatever, and my mother is going her own stuff so I have no one to talk to. To tell the good things, to console me, to boost my desperately low self-confidence, and to reassure me that they do care. I have always prided myself on being a loyal, supportive friend who was always there no matter what, no matter when, no matter where. I have canceled plans with boyfriends to be there for my best friend. And him. I stood beside him through everything. My parents disapproving, his grandmother's sudden death, losing his job, losing his family ties. I never faltered not once. I even priomised him that I would be there for him this week, on the anniversary of her death. Even though I was going to have plans I canceled. He doesn't know that. But I did. Because I Know that he needs someone to be there. If I could afford a flight to him I would be there that night. Unfortunately its too expensive. Maybe it's selfish but I didn't do those things not expecting something in return. I did. I expected trust, and support, and loyalty to Me when I need it. Not when it's convienent. What if convienent is too late? I apologize for this being so long and drawn out, but obviously I've held it in for awhile. I needed to get it out. And now I have. And I still feel utterly lonely.
hopelessromantic137 hopelessromantic137
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 8, 2012

I am so so sorry. I'm sitting here in church, reading this on my phone, fighting back tears of hurt and anger at myself. To know you gave so much ahead of time, and wanted to give even more, and then I gave so little.... I don't deserve a friend as awesome and as wonderful as you. I never did. All I can do is fight to make it up to you. I truly hope I can earn your forgiveness...

Of course you deserve a loyal trustworthy friend, everyone does. I was extremely vulnerable last night and I shouldn't have argued with you or said the nasty things I did and I'm sorry for that. I do feel hurt though. And I will forgive you...I just don't know if I can fully trust you again....I really hope I can...