Why I Am So Angry And So Sad...

Hi. I am 22, almost 23 years old. From time to time I get really angry and really upset about a lot of things that have happened in my life. I feel like I have missed out on several experiences that are so incredibly important for people, especially women to have. 

My anger began when I was younger. I am the youngest child. I have two older siblings, however, it's hard to say I know them. My older half-brother was never around. He is my dad's son and he is 10 years older than me. He was a troubled kid and moved from his moms house to our house. I was so little when he was a teenager, I never really got to know who he was as a person, which is fine, we are mending that relationship now. However, I never go to experience what it is like to actually have a sister. My sister is only five years older than me, but she was born with cerebral palsy and mental retardation. She is a wonderful person and absolutely amazing to know. She is sweet and funny, but she has the mentality of a small child. I always grew up around people who were so close to their siblings and they would always say how they don't know what they would do without them. That their sibling is always going to be there for them. My mother and her sister are painfully close and love each other so much. I am just so angry and jealous that I have never gotten to experience this in my family. It's almost like I grew up an only child. 

In school I was never the smartest. I didn't apply myself the things I enjoyed. I attempted to do many things but fear of failure, looking stupid, or the fact that my family didn't have a lot money held me back. I didn't want to be a burden to them. I wanted to help make life easier. I just hate that I didn't do the things I wanted to do because of wanting to please everyone or not create more costs for me, since my family was already struggling to send me to the Catholic High School. 

I hate that when I was 18 years old and went on spring break, I was stupid enough to bring some guy from France who didn't speak English and I had minutes before back to my room. This is where he proceeded to have sex with me even though my body language said no and I whispered it. I am mad that I was too scared to scream and push him away and tell him to stop! I wanted to be a virgin when I was married but that was taken away from me. Instead my virginity, something that had been SO precious to me was wrenched away and I was never able to share that moment, the moment that is supposed to be cherished and always remembered fondly with someone I love. Instead, when I think about "when I lost my virginity" all I see is a creepy man taking advantage of a scared young girl in a different country. It's sickening.

I hate that when I returned from spring break and was checked for STDs I discovered I had HPV. I know HPV isn't the most serious of STDs but the fact that that filthy, disgusting man who touched me had given me something that will never go away is so painful. That will always be with me and there is nothing I can do about it. 

I hate that in college I didn't make it clear that I loved someone so much it hurt me. That I loved being around him and laughing and being in his company. I hate that I wanted to take care of him and that I was incredibly hurt when he was dating other girls. I hate that I tried to tell him and stopped at the last minute. I hate that I never kissed him and I regret that I made the decision to give up.

In my second year of college, I did meet someone. He was what helped me give up that first love. Even though I never should have. I don't regret loving this man. I do love him. What I do regret is that I gave up the last two years of my college life, which is supposed to be fun and exciting and instead spent every weekend at home with him. I maybe went out a total of 10 times after he came into my life. I regret that being with him caused me to gain almost thirty pounds.

The summer before my senior year of college I got pregnant with this mans baby. I decided to give up the first baby that I had ever conceived. I had an abortion. I regret that until this day and I will NEVER forgive myself for that. That was my child. It was created within me. and I chose to throw it away. That will never be something that will leave my mind. 

What makes me the most angry and the most resentful is that in order to protect that man while he went back to his home country of Korea I agreed to marry him. No engagement, no engagement ring, no wedding ceremony, I went to the courthouse on May 27, 2009. My family was not there with me on the day that is supposed to be the day I feel like a princess. After all that had happened to me in the past, I would have hoped to at least have a special day like that. No. I didn't have the chance to have a wedding and share that with my family in friends. I was married in a dark, gloomy, ugly courthouse. And then my now husband, left on the 4th of July. He has been gone since. 

The part that irritates me is that I have to sit and listen to these people in my graduate classes talk about their invitations, their colors, their wedding dresses, how happy their families are. My family would never be able to pay for a wedding for me. I am incredibly jealous of all of this and all I want is to experience something GOOD for once in my life. All I want is something good. I have done so much to make other people happy and all I want is for someone to make me happy. I just want to be happy.....

time2grow time2grow
22-25, F
Feb 10, 2010