So Lonely...

I am feeling so lonely tonight; not only tonight but the whole day's been like that, my whole life... I feel empty, used, exhausted, sad... I cried...

I went on a great date yesterday, the person seemed interested, and I am interested but I have this huge anxiety that I will be lonely til I die. I have this fear that I will never find the right person who will love me, HOLD ME in a cold night, just be there... Yes, the date was great, and I would have felt much better if it didn't go well at all; then I would have said to myself: "See, you are better off alone! There are so many ******** in this world, you don't deserve to waste your time with the one you just met". But the guy was great... and I am desperate for love... desperate to have someone love me, and care about me, be my friend... Is it too much I am asking for?

I hate my family; my father and my brother treat me like ****. I am overweight, and every time I eat, I am being told:"Haha, fatty! You will never lose weight" Phrases like that come from my own family... I was physically abused as a child because I hadn't done my homework. I have had bruises, and even got beaten by my father on my Birthday because I did not do my homework. The Bday picture was of me having a bruise on my left cheek. I turned 17 then.

My father was hitting my on the head, a lot. I smoked secretly, I got beaten on the head because I smelled like smoke. I was late because I had gone out with friends, I got beaten when I got back home. My teenage years were hell.. and that's when my depression started. I could not share my experiences with anyone, I was so ashamed. Ashamed of having an abusive father. A father who wanted me to succeed in school by being beaten on the head. I've been beaten many time on the head... could this have also contributed to developing depression...?

I've had a few serious and unsuccessful relationships in my life. As a matter of fact, 3. My last serious relationship lasted 2 years, we lived together, and then he dumped me. For freedom, he said. As if i did not give him freedom. He was online-cheating. He was chatting with women online, in an intimate way sometimes. He was hiding it, and I found out... I was hurt. I loved him, and was so hurt. This happened 2 years ago. Since then I've felt like I will never be able to find someone to love me. And even when I am in a relationship, I am afraid that it is gonna end and I will be alone again. Alone and very horribly lonely.

I've had a lonely life... friends that I did not really like, but I had them just to fit in. My parents were so controlling that my life was just horrible. I am 25 and still live with them. Well, there was a time when I lived with the cheating ex, then by myself for 4 months and moved back in with my terrible parents, and stupid brother. He is my little bro who hits me whenever he wants. He offends me every single day. Yes, I've been struggling with my weight since I was born pretty much, and now I am called :"Fatty, pig" by my family.

I am desperate for someone who would love me for who I am. But I have depression, so who would want to be with me. Ewww... I am desperate for someone to like me. I sleep with people to boost my self-esteem. How horrible is that? I have zero self esteem. I consider myself unattractive; why, you may ask? Well, remember my family...

I was so lonely today and I wanted to cry. Well, I did not want to but the tears just started pouring. I couldn't stop it. The room I live in (part of the kitchen) has no door, just a ****** curtain. So you can imagine I have no privacy whatsoever. I went to the park, and cried. I cried so much, looking at the lake... Now I am not so distressed but this emptiness inside of me is just a huge hole that will fill. Why? It seems that I don't deserve to be happy... No one likes me.

Yes, I have friends. Close friends? My cat! Who hates to cuddle and I can't even be held by her.

I need someone to hold me tonight...
cassiya cassiya
2 Responses Jul 28, 2010

I said "If you are unhappy, pretend to be happy - force a smile on your face "<br />
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I feel I need to clarify this.. I do not mean to say that you should not communicate your unhappyness to your partner if you are in a relationship..<br />
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What I mean is that we often become what we "pretend" to be.. If you follow through on the habits in Covey's book, you will gain the understanding of how to choose happyness... But this process takes time - "pretending" to be happy is something you can start trying now - You may even discover that you are choosing unhappyness because it is what you know, where you feel safe - when you are unhappy, no one can make you feel unhappy - but if you are happy one can fear that you will lose this.<br />
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In a relationship you "should" express your feelings and make your wishes known, and make choices (rather than be reactive).

Dear Cassiya,<br />
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I am a 53 year old man - I have only just discovered my way out of a life of being battered by the way I have been treated - I have had many more years of lonelyness than happy years - <br />
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There is a book - "The Seven habits of highly effective people" By Stephen Covey - It is extremely difficult to swallow the first 3 habits, particularly the first, but I strongly advise you to try - I wish I had read and absorbed it when I was 16 - I would have been spared many years of lonelyness (or at least have been better able to cope with lonelyness) If I had.<br />
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Oh, I do know the feeling of wanting to be held close, of wanting someone to give love to, and wanting to be loved - emotionally and physically.. And I know the emptyness you speak of. Until I learned that I was suffering because I was giving my control away instead of making choices and taking responsibility for these, I was not able to fully value and appreciate or 'love' myself... And until I could love myself - not in an egotistical but in a caring / forgiving way, I was at the mercy of those I love and whose love I depended on.<br />
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Because I was not taking responsibility for my choices, and left it up to chance almost, I have ended up with wrong partners.<br />
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I still long to be held - but that longing is a lot easier to cope with now.. and I have some good friends who give me love and hugs (but where sex is not permissible) and these help.<br />
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You say " It seems that I don't deserve to be happy... No one likes me. "<br />
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It does feel like this - I know.. One thing is for sure.. You dont deserve to be unhappy! You need to learn to create your own weather and carry this with you! One thing I know is that if you are unhappy, you will be unatractive to everyone except the few angels who seek out unhappy people to help them, or predators - Those who seek to help are often Co-dependants, and relationships with these often lovely people usually end in disaster.<br />
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I believe in total honesty in relationships, except for one thing.. If you are unhappy, pretend to be happy - force a smile on your face - get out in the morning at the dawn chorus, and (this can be done - it is difficult, you must be sincere for it to work) give thanks to the universe / your god / the sky / whatever you wish for WHATEVER the day will bring to you!<br />
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With my sencere empathy and love, I wish you well